Through the Hills

You’re welcome. I love you. I like your room.

2012-02-07T22:28:00.003-05:00

The simplicity of these words almost moved me to tears. There was a sincere look of joy on her face that was matched by the feeling in my heart.

Whether she made it up or actually heard those words, they were just the beginning.

There are rules and rituals, and for me always the hope of instilling in them what I have found.

Is it in saying grace before meals? The Lords prayer before bed? Church on Sunday? Or just the way we live?

Raising your children doesn’t come with a manual. Raising them to have the same faith is daunting.

How can I make sure that they develop relationship over religion and something that is lasting over disdain for rituals and Sunday routines.

Our Father in heaven,  
Reveal who you are.  
Set the world right;  
Do what's best— as above, so below.  
Keep us alive with three square meals.  
Keep us forgiven with you and forgiving others. Keep us safe from ourselves and the Devil.  
You're in charge!  
You can do anything you want!  
You're ablaze in beauty!

They are not the traditional words of the Lords prayer but I thought it would be a nice balance between the words we are used to and some that may hold more weight with our children.

So every night they say those words. Words that they can relate with and understand.

Today was already crazy, I couldn’t even begin to tell you but still I felt the need to take the time to listen.

We thanked God, they listed simple things
Puzzles
Toys
Butterflies
Protection

The sweet thoughtfulness of their list made me smile.

I challenged them to listen to see if God would say anything in response.

Anaya giggled, Jayda grinned
The response was simple and sweet
“You’re welcome. I love you. I like your room.”
Those words were everything to me and ministered to me maybe more than they did to her. She smiled. Said that it made her happy that He said those words to her.

In those words I heard. “ I hear you. I care for you. I care about you.”

I hope they are the beginning in the development of a sensitivity to His voice. For me, they meant the world.

My life in Christ

2012-01-31T21:52:00.007-05:00

One of my biggest fears is that my life would not tell of the relationship I have with Christ. That I will get swept up in a church talk, non Bible reading lifestyle and speak of days of old. That I wouldn’t have any fresh experiences with Him to draw from.

I fear that I reminisce too much and don’t dig into Him enough.

I know enough about Him, have experienced Him enough to not leave. To know that He is the only answer, that He is the answer. Spent enough time with Him to know that when He breaks in it means everything. There is no turning back for me, no changing my mind, no doubt.
But I wonder

If my life is full of living in a way that doesn’t not look like Him rather than a life that is bursting with fullness from my relationship with Him.

I wonder

If my children will see my love for Him as I feel or experience or know it. If the stripping away of my religiosity will leave them feeling like we “just go to church”

I wonder

If the people that I work with would be surprised, shocked or in disbelief that I am a Christian and whether or not that would be a bad thing. Would they not be able to see Christ in me or surprised that Christ could look so good. You know what I mean?

I wonder

If my friends feel the same way

If the way that I talk about Him and think about him could substitute time spent with Him or reading about Him.

I want
To find the balance between the memorization, perfect church attendance and a life devoid of the “big sins” and where I seem to be now.

I want
To wake up in the morning and spend my first with him on a consistent basis. To be fed and rejuvenated by him. To acknowledge him in every situation and interaction.

I want
To have the fire I had when I first met him collide with the deep love and passion I have for Him and the knowledge I need of Him.

I want

To put what I hear into practice. To know what scripture to read and be filled by it. To not fall off the horse but to be consistent.

I want to be a mirror of His love. To experience his changing power on a continual basis.

I don’t want to live a certain way in my head that doesn’t match up with reality. I don’t want to think my life is a pretty reflection when really it is just a blurry picture. I want my mental convictions to match up with my experience and actions.

As of now, I am working on my relationship.

Holding my tongue

2012-01-23T23:33:00.001-05:00

I have tried to hold my tongue and keep my cool. I have tried to be different than the others that you interact with because I feel like you need it. Need someone to respect and understand you. You need someone to model for you what it means to take responsibility. To own up to mistakes and apologize when they are wrong.

I have tried to walk the line between teacher and guide. To give you the time and room to see yourself. To be a mirror of reality and who you are. To show you that it is not easy growing up, but it is very intentional work.

I have lost my cool. I have said things out of my weakness and frustration. I have been angry.

I have watched you grow. Seen things in you that others have not. Taken joy in the way that you think before you speak….sometimes.

I have tried to be light and love to you. I have tried to be Christ to you, show Christ to you without saying it. I have tried to be different.
Taking my time and being thoughtful about how I deal with you. Not because I want to be your friend but because I think you need a model of responsibility.

I have
Reached the end of my rope. Given all I have to give, and held it in for too long. Been ridiculed by you and judged by some who could make the same choices as me but choose not to, and that’s ok.

It seems that we don’t get enough. Not enough money. Not enough respect. Not enough time. Not enough preps. Making personal investments in their lives and hoping for a return. Hoping that the negative things they say and the attitudes they give won’t be the only thing we receive. Either way, we’ll do it. Keep coming, keep teaching, keep loving.

For more reasons than one.
I believe that they can change. That they want to change. They need someone to support them and walk them through the process.

I love my art.
I love to teach my art.

I have the responsibility of showing Christ to these kids, being Christ to these kids and I guess that is the main thing that keeps me going. Even though they may never know why. It’s important to me that if they ever do find out, my actions will be consistent with that reality.

For that reason, I will hold my tongue and keep my cool.

I needed that

2012-01-17T22:53:00.003-05:00

Last week I had an encounter with God....simple and powerful...these were my ramblings and what I felt like He said to me

I am constantly moved by your love for me. In the midst of everything that is going on. While I’m trying to find balance and live a life that is passionate and purposeful I am confident that you love me and you are there for me. I am moved by your love for me.

It happens every once and a while where I am reminded of your love and the power you have to change my life. You are great and amazing

I wanted you to feel my love today. I know that you needed it.
You are already who you are meant to be.
As you understand more about yourself you will grow more, but you are already who I want you to be.
Everything you are to be is already in you.
You are not changing who you are, just in the process of revealing more of who you are.
Trust me as I draw these things out of you.

It is amazing to me that a voice I can not hear or justify could change everything for me. His voice brings me comfort when I didn’t know that I needed it. When I am not even sure of the things that are going on inside of me or the change process that I am going through to become more of who He wants me to be.

There are so many things on my mind. SO much that I want to do and am in the process of doing. I wish I could adequately express the reality that He is everything. There are times when He seems to break into my life and bring everything. He eases everything and makes everything good. He has the power to change my situation without anything changing, To bring perspective when I didn’t know that I was seeing things the wrong way. Its almost like I didn’t know what I was missing until my reality collided with His love and everything changed. I needed that. I need Him..….

You need Him. You may not know it. You may not agree with the religion or the doctrine, but when you encounter Him, it will all make sense.

His love changes everything.

He has pursued me. Chased me down and lavished his love on me that has changed me.

I wish

2012-01-10T23:18:00.003-05:00

I wish

I had more compassion.
As I pass you on the platform with your head hung low, some sort of fluid by your feet. The skin of your back showing, you look like you’re in pain. I want to stop and inquire, but I cant.

I wish

I had more time.
Because right now I am on my way somewhere. I am always on my way somewhere really. I don’t have it in me to stop or be late. Essentially “ I have more important things to do” I am sure you won’t be here when I return though. There are parts of me that want to be spontaneous. Forget about what I have to do in the next ten minutes and tend to you, but….

I wish

I could stomach the stench.
Because where you have been and your state of living has left a foul one. Unbearable to me and most others that occupy this shared space. But really it’s not your fault because where are you supposed to shower or how are you supposed to take care of yourself? I imagine sitting down and being so jarred by the smell you wear that my response would do more harm than good. I imagine my good intentions coming off poorly as I gag or make a face.

I wish

I was kinder. That I could come down to your level.

I wish

I had more to give. Seems like a silly wish now, because I am sure you have the same wish. I feel like I don’t have enough and you really DON’T have enough. Without the means to buy food or shelter. My wish must really be an insult. I get mad too. Feeling like people who have more than me can’t understand my needs and here I am doing the same to you. I could give more. I could probably start with giving something at all.

Because I don’t. I don’t stop, or give, or pray. I think for a little, blog a little and keep it moving.

While you sit on a bench in the subway hunched over. While you dig in trash cans looking for a meal. While you humble yourself to ask for money.

I wish

That I will do more than wish and ride on the fumes of my last “community service”. That I will make time in my schedule to get over myself and see someone else. That I would take the time to stop and care. That I would do more than just think and write…..

Hold me to it.

Capitalizing on Fear

2011-12-12T23:03:00.002-05:00

I went to sleep and woke up with one thing on my mind. The anxiety of this interview weighed on me. I felt like how we would represent ourselves would seal the fate of our children. It is crazy to imagine that as my oldest id only four we are trying to make strong educational choices for her future. The amazing task of parenting is that the major decisions, especially in their early childhood, fall on you.

We wanted to give an accurate picture of who we were and who she was but the task to me seemed daunting. I am not sure if it was the feeling in the room or the school itself but this seemed beyond major. Paying for school. Some parents have had their children here for two years already and they are not even in kindergarten yet. Waiting lists for the best schools starting at birth and here I am starting at four years old. It’s crazy. Crazy to think that we are behind the eight ball in comparison to some other parents. “ Yes, my daughter goes to music class, dance, tae kwon doe and we are doing a reading program on Saturdays” …..” what types of activities is your daughter involved in?” I felt oddly ashamed as I could only say “ she is in dance school and the Sunday school program at our church is dynamic and innovative” Doing all we can do for our children and somehow still feeling like we should do so much more.

“It seems like everyone capitalizes on the fear of parents.” Words said by a friend that I will not forget

The fear that we are not doing enough. Thinking about them never choosing a career or tapping into their passion. Paying for counseling sessions because you screwed them up. Buying anything electronic to keep them busy, stimulated and learning. Limited tv time. Blocks and toys galore. Workbooks. Flash cards. Discussions. Please DO NOT whine. Stop Crying.

All we want is for our children to do their best, be their best. Feeling responsible for making sure that they make the right decisions in life. Instilling values because really at the end of the day none of the other stuff really matters anyway…..I mean it does…of course it does because I’m doing it.

The fear.

All we want is what is best. To offer them the world. To make sure they don’t want for anything To ensure that they are successful. To do everything in our power to make sure that they have amazing lives.

Bearing the burden.

The other side of the reality is that it can’t be that serious…. I think we do so much because our kids are a reflection of us. Their successes and failures point back to the work we’ve done, whether accurately or not.

Makes me wonder how my life reflects Christ, or doesn’t. My students looked through the pictures on my phone and saw a Bible in the background of a pic. One girl laughed “ Why you got that…you don’t read that” It struck me as funny….on one hand, I don’t really…definitely not as much and not as consistently as I should. In the same vein it made me wonder who these kids think I really am…and who I am for real. How the decisions I am making and the path I am on point back to him. I am not sure that my life always does and as a parent, I wonder how that makes him feel…

The art of inspiration

2011-12-06T22:18:00.002-05:00

My dashing coach Adam asked me last week what inspires me. For whatever reason that struck me as one of the hardest questions I have been asked in a long time. He said that my work seemed uninspired and that I seemed both over and underwhelmed by what I was doing. I felt like crying as his words struck a cord in me that I have been grappling with for a long time. I don’t feel like doing my job all the time and I have been trying to find meaning in my work…..but really I just want to get back, or get started…I’m having a hard time though. I figured the question that seemed to cut and probe me so deeply was as good a way to start as any.

My first response or feeling is…I don’t know. I don’t know where I get inspiration from and how to apply it to the things that I feel uninspired by.

I guess I feel like what inspires me is silly.

I am inspired by people who are living their lives passionately. The individual who knows what they love and is in pursuit of it, gives me energy.

I am inspired by the change process. How an individual commits to change and grow as a result of it.

The mere sound of stepping inspires me. It makes me want to reach for goals that I have and get better at the craft I love.

My husband inspires me. His drive and commitment to excellence makes me want to do better. His willingness to stay up late and wake up early to be the best that he can be inspires me. His commitment to growth and change inspires me.

My girls inspire me. Their creative process as they grow pushes me to do better so I can be the best example for them.

As I have been dealing with my students and trying to think about how to work with them more effectively, I have been inspired. Inspired to make sure I am a quality dance teacher and that I am focused and energized when I interact with them. Watching my students go through the normal process of learning a step and working hard to understand and master the hard parts has inspired me.

There is a beauty in the process….it’s funny because that is what I feel like God has been saying to me. I don’t always appreciate where I am. I think more about where I want to be, but there is such a beauty in the process, I am trying to take the time to appreciate and be inspired by it.

Fuller

2011-11-15T22:23:00.006-05:00

I have been nervous to restart. I have wanted to post, wanted to write, wanted to do something, anything, but I’ve been nervous….here goes my first move.

I often sit and wonder if I am just running. If this path that I have chosen is just a way to mask my fear of failing. Everyday I try to figure out why I haven’t done something different yet. My life is the fullest and the emptiest it has ever been. Empty in the sense that I am not doing the things that I am passionate about, like performing, coaching and writing. Not is the overwhelming way that it originally sounded like. I have everything that I could ask for: a loving husband, three amazing kids, loving family, the freshest friends, job tied to my passion….I could continue to name things, but I’m sure you get the point. Still with everything good I have, I’ve been feeling like I need more .

There are a number of tasks and goals that I am reminded of that I am not doing anything to reach. The fear of not reaching them makes me want to work. The reality that it would make me feel better makes me want to do something. I know I can use the few minutes that I have free. But still I don’t. Innovative ideas cross my mind and the fear of drowning squashes them. I feel like screaming as I write because I know I have to do something. So this is the first step in my change commitment.

Because even though I have a full life, I need it to be fuller.

Having a family could be and is enough, but still I want more and I think that is ok. Yes, I can say that I am doing enough because I am balancing what is immediately in front of me, but I do not just want to balance what I see, I want to attain what I don’t see. I want all my fantasies and wishes to come true want to see a change in my life. I want to walk in my purpose and live out my passion even if it takes every ounce of me, because although I am living now, I am not doing so fully. So I commit to run.. Not away from what I feel is too hard for me, or too scary, but towards my dream to make it my reality.

I am thankful that I am not alone on this journey. I am thankful that I can fail, and that will be ok. I am thankful that there are others jut like me who dream big but may be nervous, but refuse to give up on the beauty of their dreams.

I am not sure that I will make it. I am not sure that I will be as successful as I hope or as good as I may need to be. I AM sure though that if I don’t try I will never know what I can do, or what God wants to do through me.

It’s easy to tell other people to jump into the deep end. Now it’s time for me to.

I wish I could say that I wasn’t scared, or that I have it all figured out. I don’t. Even still, I am choosing to do something, because doing something is way better than thinking about doing something, and that’s what I’ve been doing. No more….join me

Trying Faith

2011-02-17T00:24:00.001-05:00

For all the joy, excitement, nerves and the like, I can’t sleep. My life has become a whirlwind of change and it has been hard to digest and appreciate it at times. For months we have been praying, looking and talking about moving, it was one of the main things on our minds, and now we are. The countdown is on and dramatic change is upon us, and I’ve been nervous.
Talking a good game about moving and what I want, but now feeling a mixed bag of nerves and relief.

This process has resulted in my faith and relationship with God stretching. When I came into the situation I had a specific idea of how God would provide and how it would make the greatest praise report. I gave little wiggle room for how my desires should be met and what would affirm my faith and belief that God cares for me. Now I’m realizing that if God had fit my initial list to a T, it probably wouldn’t have been as good as I thought. God meeting my list ( this time) would have affirmed a bad habit of putting my faith into an outcome, rather than in Him.

Faith in itself is tricky for me. The balance between praying and believing God will provide what I am looking for and need and believing that he actually knows what I need is hard to navigate. The trying faith part for me has been in grasping the idea that He REALLY knows what I need, and how that can be different from what I want. The challenge has been to believe that He knows best, no matter the situation or what it looks or feels like to me. I have been making space for Him to be with me in the process and trusting that He cares enough about the me and the details that I care about.

I wish I could’ve reported back that my checklist was met completely, but it wasn’t. I wish that I wasn’t nervous, but I am. I wish that I felt like everything was happing smoothly, but it’s not….but still….I feel like God is orchestrating this, and trying to help me grow in the process. I am coming to grips that even though it will be an adjustment, He knows what he is doing and more importantly, he knows what we need.

We haven’t moved yet and I have a ton of unanswered questions which are all becoming irrelevant, because the reality of our move is only days away. There are things I would’ve liked to organize better and others I would’ve liked to figure out….things that are causing anxiety…but God has been covering those things. He is helping me to remember the process that this search has been and how long I’ve been wanting this very thing. He has reminded me of what I need, regardless of what I want. He has been strengthening my life with friendships that are making a difference and He has been constantly comforting me and making me feel safe.

The other night I was laying awake in bed thinking about how crazy life feels right now and Anaya began to fuss a little bit, I rolled over to listen for whether or not I would have to go into their room. As I listened for more crying I heard Jayda say “ shhhh shhhh, It’s ok, I’m here.” It made me smile and warmed my heart that she knew that was all Anaya needed. In that instant, I felt comforted and at peace. I felt like God was saying the same to me, and it was jut what I needed. Sometimes, you just need to be reminded of the simple truths.

A Confrontation

2011-01-25T23:22:00.005-05:00

There are those odd times when I sit on the train and imagine being confronted. Usually I am reading my Bible, head phones on, in my own world….I imagine someone coming from the other car and making a statement that demands the attention of everyone on the train. I would look up and take out my earphones as I often do when something interesting seems to happen. The man would repeat his statement, something to the effect of “ Who is ready to die for this Jesus?”

The very thought of the challenge and the day dream is something that I probably fear more than is normal living in the city of New York, but still, it’s weird because I do. I always wonder how I would fess up, or what I would do before. Would it be a shy scary, “me?” or a bold stand and hope that something would go terribly wrong for this guys plan “ I am!” The biggest issue for me really is not even how I would respond but in the discomfort I feel in the confrontation. Gospel songs sing of the joy of heaven. They sing of how they cant wait…but I can…so….what does that say of me?

Never would I deny the lover of my soul and the amazing things that He has done for me…but what if I’m not ready to die? What if I am fine here, doing what I’m doing?

Ok, so I know this life is temporary and nothing…nothing can compare to being with Jesus…..but….I feel dumb for even bringing it up, because it doesn’t really matter, when you die, you die and its over….but choosing death…..It makes me wonder whether or not I really get it…..

On the flip side it makes me think of the woman that I am and the type of life that I’m currently living and often complaining about. Grumbling about what I have or don’t have while wanting to stay alive in order to enjoy it.

Makes me think about how Paul said in Philippians he didn’t think it was his time to die because of the work that he had left to do on earth. Paul was about something, his life and his actions spoke volumes about his beliefs.

I want my work, the way that I love and treat people to be something worth staying alive for.

I see myself in different lights and different situations bring out different things, but a lot of the time, I’m disgruntled. A fairly angry individual that is often more jaded than not. Some say I am mean or rude, I think over emotional…either way it is not really a good look. Others don’t see me in that light and I am probably harder on myself than I need to be, maybe not though.

The reality is that I can’t change. I can make an effort to be a nice and loving person but that doesn’t always work out to well…I know that I can try though….Some of my ways and habits are beyond and outside of me, I need God. Not in the cliché sense but in a real “I’ve tried and failed, I want to and cant and I believe that He can” type of way.

I imagine the man walking into my train car and demanding not just the whole trains attention, but mine specifically. I imagine closing me eyes and thinking about my family and the people that I love more than anything….the people I have done my best to show love to. I imagine God being happy with the way I have grown and changed and the people that I love knowing that I did my best to love them. I imagine standing up, smiling and having peace….the peace that I often feel that assures me everything will be fine…. And saying with confidence “ I am!”

The Treasure Within

2010-11-03T21:03:00.005-04:00

I thought this was true enough and relevant enough to share. Its easy for me to get distracted from who I am, and what God wants from me by trash. This was a pleasant reminder that more often than not we need a trash man, and there is really only one who can do the work in our lives....ENJOY

The Treasure Within (Short) from This is the Thing on Vimeo.

Losses

2010-10-21T22:25:00.001-04:00

I’ve been thinking about losses and people who have lost….

The pain it brings and the hope that you need to get through it.
The hope that the pit you feel like you are in, you wont be in forever.
The hope that it will be balanced out one day and the injustice that you feel has been done to you will be rectified.

I’ve lost.
Friends, family, many relationships, my engagement ring, sleep, $60 last week, fights

Friends have lost
Babies, fathers, jobs, apartments, cars, their lives

I’ve been thinking about gains and the people who have gained. Floating on clouds and overjoyed at what the present has brought. Negative feelings gone, leaving only the desire to conquer the world.

In the moment, and because of the memory, the feeling in the pit of your stomach is unbearable. No one is exempt.

One of my former students mothers was involved in a fatal accident in which six passengers in their church van lost their lives. Eight didn’t, his mother was one of them.

There was an accident causing traffic on the highway. I found out that a tractor overturned, killing a passenger in another car.

One of my friends has lost several babies…..and gained one

On the days, in the moments that you feel your loss, it seems like it will last forever. Like there is no way out, no escape and no bright day. The gains are not a factor in light of the loss.

I’ve been thinking about mistakes and freak accidents.
S.I.D.S.
Car accidents
Hit and runs
Drownings

The things that are not maliciously or purposefully done but that change your life dramatically.

I am thankful for the fragmented way that I remember and feel things. If I carried around all the things that I’ve lost, all my sorrow, fears and doubts, all the time, I know I wouldn’t make it.

I am thankful for the times of overwhelming joy because even when I lose or think about what I’ve lost, I can hold on to those moments and have hope.

I am thankful for my losses and for the people who have lost. It reminds me that life isn’t fair, to anyone. That I’m not alone…big or small we all have our losses.

People have healed from things I couldn’t imagine. People live with the craziest of pasts and presents.

I am not sure that I have a happy wrap up to this one…

There’s hope, there’s always hope!
There’s healing and bearing…. not forgetting

I feel like its silly that one of my greatest losses was my engagement ring, but it was. Whenever I think about it, I get a little sad. Whenever I look at my band or only put on one ring, I get a little sad. But there is a difference between the sorrow I felt those days when I thought it was lost and now knowing that it IS lost.

What helped me at the moment was Gods love, I needed it to cope. What helps me now, is the reality that it’s lost, and the hope for something better.

I don’t know if there is always something better, but who is the real judge of that anyway…I can still have hope even with my loss….I hope you can too.

Doing Something

2010-10-17T21:35:00.002-04:00

I just really want to write. Write and coach, speak and step.
I think about doing something, but I feel like I cant. I am tired...mostly sleepy, and I don’t feel like there is anything to write. It seems like I haven’t been able to process my thoughts or experience anything fully. I know there are things happening, but I feel like I am up against a wall.

I think about where I am and how I feel all the time. I think about what I would love to do and what I would be doing if everything was just right in the world. I think about whether or not I am able to do all the things I am thinking about…and while I think, days fly by,

So now, rather than think, I will do something. I am writing for the sake of consistency. Because doing nothing is really not the best option even if I don’t think what I do will be my best. Who cares anyway, everytime, every post can’t be my best, but if I don’t write at all …..if I do nothing at all….

Just thinking can definitely NOT be my best.

My desire to know more,
do more,
be perfect
sometimes keeps me from the business of doing.

I don’t want that to be my story. I think a lot but often find excuses not to do. Or I open my laptop with the intentions of doing work but then I actually just search random things online
Or
I open a word document and stare at it, then close it and move on…

SO now, even though I don’t really have anything to say, I thought it was more important to write, than to think…

Something that somebody said on Greys Anatomy struck a cord with me. He said

“ you don’t find something you love that much, and let it go.”

If I am not able to get out of my head, my schedule, my fears than I will never be able to “do”, and if I don’t “do”….who will?

He likes me

2010-09-30T00:38:00.005-04:00

For some reason, I’ve always wanted to preach on the train. Something about it really appeals to me and I simply feel like I could do better job. I sit and fantasize about what I would say and how I would say it. Making eye contact, hoping that the day I actually choose to do it, I would be wearing something presentable. Hoping that someone would have a life changing experience because of my masterful presentation of truth.

Every time someone starts on the train I imagine I could do it better and wonder if I should just do it….how crazy would that be?
“What he just said is true, but let me say it this way…..” Not gonna happen.

This guy standing on the train saying God knows what, and disturbing even my ride….how could this be a good thing?! He was talking about Jonah or something and then he began his wind down rant before he hopped out of our car and into the next.

He spoke about Gods love for us and how He changed his life and wants to change ours….I could dig it, I fully agree with it, but it made me wonder….

How would I approach this differently, what would I have to say to these people on their morning commute. They have probably heard it all before. I would probably get lumped in with all the others…

It made me think of the woman that I am. I’ve made a list of things that make up me before, so I will spare you that. What I really thought about were the hard parts of myself. The parts that I wrestle with labeling, and understanding.

The parts that I feel misunderstood about the most,
My humor
My interest
My judgments
My desire to be appreciated for what I give

Maybe seen as blunt and rude
Could be seen as nosey
Ridiculous standards even for myself
My selfishness

I have the hardest time accepting these parts and appreciating the good I get from them or the good they can indicate. I used to cry a lot over these parts, being misunderstood about them and wanting to change but not knowing how. I hated it mostly when people would say things about those parts in a negative way. My desire to change and hope that I could live with these parts were eclipsed by the “ you’re so nosey” or “ I’m not gonna talk to you because you are going to judge me.”

I wondered how these parts of me could relate to the people on the train. I sat and remembered something my Pastor said and something that God has said to me,

“ I like you”

He explained that it was so different from the understanding of His love, and it is.

The reality that He likes me, all of my sin, all of my flaws and hang-ups, and he enjoys me, wants to spend time with me, wants to know me, wants me to converse with Him and be associated with Him is humbling and drawing.

That truth has tremendous implications for my relationship with Him and the way I view myself. It is helping me to accept the parts that I often don’t like, because if He can, I can. Not that He doesn’t want me to become a better version of me and more like Him, but the fact that in spite of my current state He not only loves me, but He likes me.

That reality is changing my life daily.

I feel like if I preached on the train, that would be something I would try to get across. It may not be one of the traditional, fundamental truths, but it IS a game changer.

The ideal and impossible

2010-09-23T00:42:00.000-04:00

I am not sure if this is a list or a prayer request, but as I stand in between faith and reality I’m asking you to ride this out with me. I have the ability to believe in the impossible…or at least the highly unlikely.

Some would say that my belief in God is a testament to that, and I agree, to an extent. Skeptics and realists believe in God, as I do because He is indeed real. Not a hope, but a father and friend that I experience…so it’s a little different.

I have hope for what I can’t see or touch and am not even sure is mine for the taking. I don’t know how long to hold out. I know that God knows my heart and more importantly that he knows my needs…I just don’t know how far off the answer is or in which form it will come.

This move has been one of my biggest faith battles, mainly because I believe, that doesn’t necessarily mean that I’ll get what I want, but still I do.

In spite of my faith, its been hard to communicate the specifics of what we are looking for, because when I do, I feel silly. Like I believe in some fairy tale and I am an idiot for it…but still I believe…and now I’ll share with you my wish list…I’m putting it out there. You can put your faith with mine or think that I’m crazy, I guess we’ll just see how it plays out.

Three bedrooms
Living and Dining room
Laundry
Parking
Counter space in the kitchen
Good School district for the girls
Space to dance, a ground floor apartment would do
A reasonable distance from work and church
For $1500 or less

To some this list may seem simple, or doable, for New Yorkers, impossible.

Because of this, my faith is on the ropes. I am not trying to hold on to a fairy tale, but at the same time I can’t let go of my hope. I can compromise some things…… but still,

I believe in the ideal and impossible.

It's all good

2010-09-17T08:25:00.002-04:00

I want to move so bad…it’s almost all I can think about. I have become consumed with my desire for change. Different than before, my perspective has changed from the desire for what “you have”, to the desire for what we WILL have.

I have big dreams, huge dreams, almost too embarrassing to share….

I am a believer in the ideal and extraordinary. My hopes and desires make me marvel at how God created me with such duality. I have to be perfectly content in my situation while believing that God can do the impossible for me.

There are so many thoughts racing through my head right now. There are such varying degrees of desires. What I may think are big dreams, for some are not even a thought…or its what they start off with…

I believe that I will influence millions….wow….I guess I’m gonna share this….I want to speak at huge conferences and write best sellers. I want to help people live passionate and purposeful lives.

I want to do all that while still being a professional stepper…performing in shows that I create on major stages around the world.

At the very least, I am pretty sure that we are going to be millionaires :/ I want to give away a lot of money. I want to help people make things happen financially and consistently provide for random strangers.

I guess those are the biggest, broad stroke ones…well the biggest for me, but again its all relative…

My fight has been to be content with the process in light of the outcome…. because I prayed and hoped

but

Just the other day I lost a residency that I was sure was solid
I didn’t get a raise
I didn’t have a good day teaching
My kids embarrassed me ….

And those things make me angry, sad and disheartened. They make me wonder about my worth and my abilities. They make me wonder about God’s promises to me, and whether or not he even actually spoke to me…

They make me think about myself and how my actions may have caused these reactions. How my taking my blessings for granted could have actually gotten the blessings that I had been granted, taken”…. Maybe, but I don’t know if that’s how the God that I serve operates.

My dad always speaks in riddles, or in some profound, simple, philosophical way.
I asked him what good would come of a situation he’s in, I should have known it would send him into a rant style lecture…..

“Baby, it’s all good! If you believe in a higher force, nothing bad can happen.” I don’t really know where my dad is on his faith walk…at this point he knows where I stand but he always seems to manage to talk to me as if he doesn’t know….but that’s besides the point.

My dads statement challenged my perspective. Its one of those things that we say, but its harder to really internalize and feel. I know that no matter what

if I can really hide myself in Gods shadow, its all good…

As I sat on the train I just kept saying that, and it seemed that each time I said it, I got it a little more…

It’s all good
It’s all GOOD?
It’s ALL good?!
Wow…it’s ALL GOOD!!

It was the simplest of things that rocked my world and made me remember how I had reacted when things didn’t go my way…

And now I exhale and inhale and try to take this simple thought in and really wrap my heart around it, because I want to control things and I want them to happen how, when and if I want….but they don’t….my hope really is in the ideal,
The promise,
The perspective,
The fact,
That its ALL good….crazy.

Overwhelmed by my lack

2010-09-10T00:14:00.003-04:00

As I sat and sized everyone else up, I realized that I had become overwhelmed by my lack.
Success and happiness are by no means measured by income, but still I want more... We have enough to live, but hardly enough to save and the decisions that we have made for our growth have left us paying the equivalent of our rent in student loans....

I wish someone had really warned me about the clutches of Sallie or that getting a Masters gets you much more than the experience, marketability and a huge diploma…but I digress.

The grass is always greener on the other side and the woman with a house might look at me and wish, while I dream of having what she has....

A wonderful husband
Beautiful girls
A great community
Work that I love
I lost an appreciation for what I had because I was looking at what you had. Staring and drooling because it wasn’t mine. My focus was skewed and I was unable to see the good in my situation because as I stared at yours, mine became blurry.

I lost sight of why I do things. Lost the meaning and the feeling of the beauty of the process and my current situation because I was caught up in a result.
A dream…a resolution of work that offered something better…nothing too lofty

Can my loans be forgiven?
Can I be closer to work or my church community?
Can I live closer to my friends?
Can we gig a little more?

The yearning blinded me. All I could see was my need for dollars as I tried to make sense of my situation….
A boat load of debt
Living in an area where we do nothing and are close to no one
Talent unused because of countless factors
but there was something much deeper at work.

All the faith I had for the future could not stand a chance against what I chose to look at. Instead of looking at myself or what I had, or even my God…I looked at you.

I became overwhelmed and enamored with my lack and your possessions. Bitter because of what you had that I didn’t. Didn’t allow God to comfort me because I was looking elsewhere and therefore headed elsewhere.

Gods charge for me to hide in Him and focus on him didn’t become real until I realized the affect of the opposite.

As I devalued what I had, I took my blessings for granted and was not able to appreciate my situation now.

I can’t say that I am there or that I've figured it out…that sometimes I don’t feel disgruntled or restless..but choosing what to look at, what to focus on has helped me to realize that really, I lack nothing.

The Great Escape

2010-09-03T00:55:00.005-04:00

My reflection on this week has been demanded, so I will try and walk you through the process.
I was asked to spend a week in the woods at a camp with kids that I had never met before. To be an agent of “space creating” in their exploration of the God that loves them enough to show up in that space.

So we were there, trying to connect with these kids and use the space to reconnect with God….

I was excited and nervous.

As I tried to jump from being a stranger, to someone that they would follow I quickly realized that this week would not be easy and that this was not Boston.

Not youth ministry like I knew it, they were hard…hardened….this was different. The air was different, the stories were different…
The problems were the same
Same hurt
Same tears
Same needs

The whole week felt like a roller coaster ride. We had different intentions, but our deepest hearts desire was the same, stated or unstated, conscious or subconscious

An escape.

A way to deal with the pain that seemed constant. A chance to be loved by people who thought they were beautiful. A chance to look for healing outside of the concrete jungle. And we were there to provide that.

The drama was immeasurable, the negative perceptions about our kids was a minor challenge compared to the “hands on” things we were dealing with…

Three kids sent home in two days and between the zip lining, tubing, and free time it was sometimes hard to see how a difference would be made…challenged to meet them where they were and allow them to identify with their deep need for God.
The process was masterful. Now we just had to
lead them,
walk with them,
represent Gods love for them.

It was a process of them opening up and letting the tears flow… only to shut us out and stop their emotion because the idea of feeling out of control was too much. The pain seemed unbearable as they identified with their deep need. There was a desire to swoop in with all the answers but the idea of letting them identify with what they were feeling was more important. We were not trying to use Band-Aids or introduce them to the concept of God and church that they were used to. Not trying to hear the “ God knows”, “only He can judge me” and “ He loves me” if it doesn’t deeply resonate with them….if they can not identify with the true warmth of his embrace…if they had not first stood face to face with their undeniable sickness.

They didn’t need a temporary fix
They didn't need to hear our opinions
They didn’t need the judgments

Life hasn’t been easy and although they have learned to fight, now it’s all they do.
They fight for respect,
for status
for love.

They fight because they don’t want to lose themselves to the drama. They fight to stay alive in hopes that their fighting will not just yield more scars and bruised egos. They desire to get out the hood but it’s all they know so regardless of their intentions, their actions speak volumes about their situations.

My heart cried for them, I shed tears for them because they wouldn’t.
I listened to their rants and stories. I tried to follow them as they went on journeys and hid their emotions behind tough skinned masks.

The talks, the tears, the fights, turned them from just Red Hook kids, to my kids. Kids that I care deeply about. The countless activities set up to have them see us as their leaders, helped me to see them as mine. There is work to be done, and now, I’m committed to doingit.

Decisions

2010-08-27T00:25:00.010-04:00

I have decisions to make. There is always something that seems to be hanging in the balance

To stay or to go
To quit or to push
To sleep or get up

There are pros and cons to doing…..or not doing. I always mull over my options, but ultimately, I’ve learned to make choices.

Not just the big choices, but the hard ones. Choices that build my character…

The decision to wash the dishes rather than leaving them for my husband to do

The decision to grind and produce quality work rather than quit

The decision to put the clothes in the laundry bag rather than on the closet floor

The decision to volunteer at a camp rather than have a vacation

Either option is what I “want”, it’s just a matter of what will make me stronger

Some are easy tasks, some are big choices, but for me they are all hard decisions.
I want to do a halfway job if I do the job at all. I want to take the easy route, the selfish route…

These decisions range in their gravity but are all the same when it comes down to their very nature, they are mine to make, and if I step outside of my temporary feelings, they will make me stronger

It seems that no matter what it is, if I sit and debate about it becomes clearer, but that doesn’t make it easier.

The very fact that it is an issue for me, lets me know (sometimes) what I should do…from there it is just a fight of my will ….
a fight of my character.

It’s the small choices that I make, the ones that seem insignificant that build character in me. They help me to know that I can do great things.

If I can die to myself today maybe one day doing those menial tasks that I hate will become easier, but maybe they wont.

Really it doesn’t matter what the outcomes are. What matters to me is that I make the hard choices because for me they are hard.

I have a husband that treats me like a queen and because of that I sometimes get lazy and forget to treat him like a king.
Doing the menial tasks helps me to not get lazy.
Making hard decisions help me to grow, to sacrifice, to love, to persevere.

For some reason this song brings the big and small decisions into perspective for me. Regardless of how I feel, regardless of the choice, keeping in mind that it’s all about Him.....

Recognizing that ALL my decisions, all my choices should reflect the one I am trying to be like and the primary aim of my life.

So, I don’t always get it right
I struggle
I cry
I am hard on myself
I succeed
I work
I make hard choices
I get stronger

Decisions that no matter how I respond they will make me stronger, but still I have to decide…

Character

2010-08-10T21:32:00.007-04:00

There are so many characters in Washington Square Park
Pigeon Man
Pimp dude
Random Bystander
Accordion Guy
Delicious Adorable
Fashionista Lady
Vacationing Family
Preacher dude
And Crack heads

I could sit and watch these folks for hours. Not sure if they are doing what they are doing to be seen or if this is just the way that they live their lives, after all I could just be dread head, and they could be watching me…

I could take this thought in two directions and my mind is wondering which one…
What do they see if they are watching me? What do they think? To some this question is irrelevant but it’s always on my mind because I want to be seen like Him.

Preacher dude was one of the first people we saw. He handed us a card inviting us to a youth service

“ I don’t know if we’re your target” I said
“ Do you know God?!” was his response

For whatever reason I was on edge and turned off by his question. Turned off by the approach or by him, I don’t really know.

It sparked a conversation and feelings. A conversation that I was thankful to have because it reminded me of the process that I am going through.
My effort has been to be sensitive to the people around me. For what I do and how I approach people to be culturally relevant, taking into account who they are and “where” they come from.

As we walked and talked and encountered the different characters I was reminded of the difference that relationship makes.
The importance of being non judgmental
Of loving
Of listening

Enter crack heads

Arguing about God knows what, we had to stop and listen.
I have no idea what this lady was talking about, only that she was talking to us.
Our hearts wanted to talk to her about the Answer but we knew in her state, at this time it wouldn’t make a difference, so instead we were love…we were present.

Just listened and smiled, and in that we connected with her…
I think people can feel Gods love without the label, without the jargon. They may not be able to identify it at the time but if they really feel it through us, someday they might be able to…

And that’s my struggle, moving from the “throw the idea of Jesus is your face Christian”, to the “Be Jesus Christian”…I wanna be a character.

I want to
Act like Him
Love like Him
Be seen like Him

Act it out

2010-08-02T15:27:00.004-04:00

I write for the sake of consistency. There is so much going on in my mind that to me it feels like I have nothing and everything to say…

I want to say something…something profound but it seems whatever profound conclusions I come to have been reached already….either way I figure I should give you, whoever you may be, an update on me. On how I am doing, or at least how I did…

The workshop…the thing I had been afraid of for weeks.

Given two whole hours to make a difference and communicate whatever I thought pertinent and relevant to the topic. “ Working Your Passion” and as I made an effort to communicate how to do that I was doing it, living it, because this work is my passion.

I had never done one like this before. Many workshops about step, so very dear to my heart, but this was different, I often feel vulnerable and unworthy when it comes to the motivational
Inspirational
Thoughtful
Me

So as I sweat bullets and sat with a six page outline printed on canary yellow paper I tried to calm myself and not be awkward because often I am.

I wish I could communicate the crazy feelings I had…like I would implode or even worse be stared at with blank faces as I poured out my theories and ideas and the importance of understanding your passion which I believe is directly related to your purpose.

It was hard because I felt bare and vulnerable, sharing the deep thoughts of my heart and hoping that it wasn’t too simple or silly or just plain stupid.

All the encouragement in the world did not make a difference. They made me smile and feel good for a second but they did not change the anxiety or negative feelings. I had to overcome my fears
I had to trust God
I had to believe in myself
I had to act on what I said I believed

This is only the beginning. The exercise of stepping outside of my comfort zone and into my purpose brought a new focus to the work that I want to do. I understand that it wont be easy but I am committed to the process and being uncomfortable

Its funny how we always…maybe not always...but sometimes we tend to think of ourselves in the worst light…our self worth and self esteem are constantly being challenged by our purpose.

All of the process is important, what I see and where I stand. The things I am feeling and going through are just to push me closer…just exercise. Character building so that as I get closer to that picture of me, I will be strong.

There is a woman on the Next Food Network Star and she consistently produces what the judges say is excellent food. She, rather than give a confident nod and a “thank you” consistently makes comments like “ Wow, Really?!?!” or “ I just cant do anything right!” There is a genuine negative light that she sees herself in.

We don’t always see the greatness in ourselves. No matter the praise, no matter the track record…

I get SO pissed at her, but more often than not…I am her…sad but true

I constantly have to flood my mind with
Positive thoughts and the reality of what God says about me, because if I don’t I guarantee you that I would be doing nothing…but I must.

I must work because He has created me to. Because I need it. Because you need it…

Seems like there is a cockiness in that but the truth is that I feel like God has given me something that the world needs…I just have to believe it and act it out.

It makes the difference

2010-07-20T22:38:00.008-04:00

His love makes such a difference. Helping me when I may not even realize that I need it. Holding me when I feel unstable.

Just six more days before I do this workshop. It may be a small thing to others but for me this is a big deal. I talk a lot, I dream a lot, I plan a lot, but opportunities don’t always come. This door is open and from the moment I heard the knock I was scared.

Torn between feeling like “ this is what I was made for” and “ I have no idea what I’m going to do”

I doubted myself….I feel motivated….I doubt myself….I feel empowered… I self deprecate…I feel His love and it changes things.

The challenge at church has been to get to know God and how he feels about me. The journey has shown me nothing but love.

The interesting thing about His love for me is that I didn’t know that in my fear of writing, or doing that I wasn’t allowing myself to feel it. Experiencing His love makes all the difference in what I feel like I’m able to do. Not that I am not still scared about this workshop, or about the step team, or about blogging, or coaching or ……..

Just that understanding that He loves me seems to make a difference.
It changes how I feel about myself and what I am able to do.
It changes my beliefs into reality.
It comforts me.
It challenges me.

His love has makes all the difference.

I'll take that

2010-07-13T16:52:00.005-04:00

It has been a while…A while since I felt like I could, felt empowered, or like I could really really see…but as she spoke, I was reminded.

Reminded that I can, that it’s all possible, because all too often I don’t really feel like that’s the truth.

I get so scared and begin to engage in negative talk….

“Five minutes, hold your arms up for five minutes”

“YEA RIGHT! I am SO straight and I already know that will be painful and impossible”

I hadn’t even begun but already I was convinced that I was not able, that I had to quit before trying because the idea of trying and failing is beyond me…

So I quit before I began….but she wouldn’t really let me….we began and although she told me to quiet my mind and pay attention to what was going on for me I had to talk….
Negative talk.

“ I can’t do this”
“Five minutes is entirely too long”
“This is crazy”

And then the pain began and I realized that I had to push, because now, two minutes in, quitting, failure was no longer an option.

The literal physical pain I was in from the weight of my arms made me keep pushing, quiet my mind and begin to speak differently

“ I can do this”
“ This will be over soon”
“There is gonna be pain if I’m going to do anything worth while”

Something about feeling the pain and the weight made me realize the importance of the task. It made me think about the bigger things that im facing and the pain they often cause.

In talking about the process I realized that I play the negative talk game all the time. Afraid that someone will find me out to be a fake, that I really don’t know what I’m doing or that my dreams were just too big for my britches.

But I can’t, can’t play that game anymore because in playing it, I’m stagnant and I can’t talk about it if I’m not gonna be about it.

But still I go back and forth and it’s hard.

In spite of my feelings, insecurities and desires, all I can think to say is “I’ll take that”

I’ll take it all:
The pain
The positive words
The call
The fear
The support
The disbelief
The hard times
The good times
The process

Because whether I always want to or not. Whether or not I feel like I can. It has to be done, and I feel like it has to be me….

Spare Change

2010-07-06T00:19:00.008-04:00

All I can think to say is that I am in the process. The past weeks have been hard and I don’t know why. They have brought the most amazing of changes and the most unproductive of days, my process. I don’t even know how to tell you what has been going on because for me it has been a blur.

All the while I’ve been thinking.

Thinking about change and what I believe. Thinking…

I wrote what's below a while ago but as I've been trying to get from thinking to doing I've had to consider what's really important to me. I know this isn't my usual type of post, hope it helps anyway.

My beliefs should affect my actions and if they don’t then I have to challenge whether or not I really believe what I say I do.
Follow the plan that was already in your heart.....

It’s funny how we say that we believe some things but there is no evidence of those beliefs in the way that we live our lives. Faith without works is dead is something like saying, if you believe it, do something about it, prove it!

There is often a disconnect between what we say we believe and what we do and the excuse is usually,
“I’m a work in progress”, or “I just don’t have the time.”

I wonder if we can even really say that we believe something if it doesn’t cause us to act or change our actions.

Relationships end all the time because one party says “ I love you” but their actions say something quite different. If we are not willing to take what someone says if they don’t show it because we can’t believe that its true then why wouldn’t we hold ourselves to the same standard?! How can I say I believe anything if doesn’t affect me outside of what I think?

I challenge you to live what you believe, whatever it may be and see how your life changes because of it.

1. Make a list of beliefs that you have or things that are important to you
2. Write down what you spend your time doing tomorrow
3. See how your beliefs affect your life or what the things you do may be saying about what you really believe.
4. Challenge yourself to change
5. Live Change

Living change is not an easy thing and pursuing your passion is hard but can you afford not to?

She gave herself away

2010-06-28T14:18:00.007-04:00

Twenty-year-old girl who finds most of her identity in being a Christian. It’s all she’s known and in Christ she feels all right. But now she feels like HE, the only one who can comfort her and give her answers is silent, simply saying

“ I am here” and “ yes, I care”

She feels like she has given herself away one, too many times. Trying to be found in the embrace of a man, but rather finds another piece of herself lost.

Only three, but each one took a piece, a peace which she is fighting to reclaim.

The first didn’t ask, forcing upon her a downward spiral having her mind twisted by opposing emotions. Feeling forgiven and whole but yet empty and really feeling like she could only be filled, only be found by losing herself again.

The second man comes and although she feels like the relationship is positive, like it is going somewhere she realizes that this is not what love is supposed to be. It felt good for a short while but “dag, I just need someone to love me for me!” Cause even though he was there he didn’t appreciate who she was, asked her to change and took from her when she trusted him with her vulnerability. So again she began the cycle of healing.

Finding solace in single hood or so she thought, cause now she just longed for another.

This time a pattern was revealed, a way of thinking that she realized allowed her to be hurt again, cause why else would she feel this way? Back at square one and feeling more empty than she did the first time because in trying to find herself, she loses herself.

Now she doesn’t want the healing, doesn’t see how she can deserve it. Knowing that none of us do but feeling so torn because she feels like his grace should have surely run out by now. She realizes that the issue is bigger than remaining single for a little while because even in those times there is a desire to be degraded, to be looked at as less than the jewel that she is because now her meaning of love is wrapped up in degradation, abuse, lust and shame.

“Why does this happen to me?”

Why does this happen to her? The question doesn’t fall on deaf ears but yet others are raised: what is love to you? Who is God to you? What does healing look like? What have you lost? How do you cope with the pain that you feel?

Now I suppose we can go into her relationship with her parents and her relationships with these men. The developing and acting out of the maladaptive behaviors and thought patterns. Or, we can target the beliefs that she has, the ideas that she holds that are realized through her behaviors and redefining those ideas...but the truth is that I just don’t know…

I don’t have answers because if I did I would give them to her. All I can offer is a shoulder and an ear as tears fall from her eyes in hopes that He would show up.

“Remove the pain and desire and restore me.”

They say ugly things to her, about her, but when I look, I only see beauty. In her are the untold stories of our sisters. In her is liberation as she shares her tales and the redemption that took place.

Years have passed and although some questions have gone unanswered, there’s a peace.
A peace that reminds her of the words that He has always said
“ I am here” and “ Yes, I care”

The same words that brought anger before now bring peace because as He says them she feels His arms. And although feeling unlovely she can now receive His love.

He is different.

His love is not tainted by them. His love is pure, taking nothing from her but giving her the world. Loving her unconditionally and allowing her to see that she is worth it.

She gave herself away…just one more time, but she knew with Him her heart was safe.

Hands and Feet

2010-06-19T15:50:00.000-04:00

There are SO many things that I used to do that I don't do anymore and I miss. Then there are things that I say I believe in and want to do that I don't. Community Service/ Volunteer work is one of those things that I am trying to build into my life.

I guess its sometimes hard for me to wrap my mind around doing it because there is so much other stuff that I am trying to do. The thing is though that I am getting tired of talking about doing and never making the moves to freely help. Homelessness in NYC is crazy, and if we all...if I sit around and make excuses how will the work ever get done?

It seems like for the past couple of weeks, and in my life in general, the consistent themes are CHANGE and LOVE...for me that is hard, but I'm working....
Really, I'm just trying to be Hands and Feet:

I said I was going to do it so I didn’t want to cop out even though I could find reason to…I was committed…..
Committed to stepping outside my comfort zone to do something I said I wanted to do. I said it was important to me but I never made a point to live it out, today I did. I met them on the corner of 50th and 10th and we walked and talked. We kept our eyes open for someone who could benefit from what we had to offer.

There he sat at a table by himself. I wasn’t going to approach him because I didn’t want to offend him, he didn’t seem to need what we were offering.

He spoke first. “ I don’t associate with her because she’s a crack head.”
I sat and we began to talk.
Politics, God, Martians, conspiracy theories, Bush, service in the navy, San Diego, Lobster, Steak and caviar for breakfast.

He didn’t want our sandwiches, he wanted companionship, a supportive group to be a part of. He said that he was seeking, starting all over again on his journey. He blamed the Christians in his life for his state and did not want to hear anything else about what we believed. That was fine, we weren’t looking for a convert, just trying to be the hands and feet of the one that we follow.

I could see that he saw something different in us. Could see that we weren’t trying to sell anything, he could see that we meant what we were saying.

With everything that was in me, I just wanted to be genuine, just wanted to listen, and I did….I followed him on his rants. We engaged him and tried to answer his request for companionship.
I used to think that I had to sell something, and that I had to sell it quickly, I don’t believe that anymore. Sometimes, more often than not you just have to be a real person and show real love because so many of us don’t.

“They don’t even see me, they think they’re better than me.”

Lowering our eyes and putting pep in our step because we don’t want to be bothered by their stories.

I heard his, I saw him as he spoke, I looked into his eyes, and I believe that he felt the love of God.

He refused prayer, I wanted to push it but for what? To fulfill my need to be recognized as a Christian or as somebody who cares because I prayed for him while he was right there? Getting out of my commitment to follow up and think about him later because I already did my duty…there was a battle for my religious self to die…I wanted to be hands and feet, not the institutionalized religion that he hates.

As we got up to leave I told him I would see him again, he said I would never come back, he was made the promise before and it was broken… “I’ll be back” I said “and when I can, I’ll bring steak”. I offered a hug, shedding my preconceptions of what might happen if I hugged this man without a home…we hugged. He said “ no one has ever hugged me before, I have never felt loved like that.”

As I stepped outside of my comfort zone, I was able to show love to one who was deemed unlovely and he felt it. I believe he was changed by our interaction, I know that I was.

Don't hold your breath, but wait!

2010-06-06T21:23:00.006-04:00

As we celebrate four years of work, of love, marriage and dancing, I am thankful. Thankful for the man that I share my life and home with.
For the family we have built and are building.

He’s an amazing man, one in a million…… for some that’s the problem.
The idea that there’s not another knight in shining armor, not a man that will fulfill all the things on their list they wait no longer.

In their compromise they don’t realize how much is really lost. Weighing the Christian men who don’t live right against the non who are everything else they wanted.

Not that they want to choose this man who hasn’t chosen their God but the wait seems unbearable and the list unrealistic.

I have seen both sides but only live one. I know the benefit of a home priest and a man that loves God first.

The trade off is in more than just a title….I know it seems far off and not worth waiting for……

I know the fight is to justify how things could change
and
how he can be the man of God that you want him to be.

But it’s not just semantics. Its not a want but a necessity….really.

I’m not sure if I could adequately sum up the difference.

In an effort to love me like HE loves me, he loves me like no one else can.
In spite of his flaws he is for me the ideal representation of a perfect man. Not perfect in his ways but always working towards a perfect picture of himself because we are commanded to be like Him. Teaching me in his humility how to be a better me.
There’s a beautiful sacrifice in the way that he lives that challenges me to be better. It’s not just in the words that he says but because of what he does.
He is patient with my shortcomings and supportive with my goals.
He is kind and strong. Giving fully to me and anyone in need.
A true father to our children and an example to many. A representation of what they need to look for in a husband and what is possible.
Introspective and thoughtful.
Going from problem solving to shoulder offering because sometimes that’s all I need.
We don’t go to bed angry, not just because its not a good thing to do but because He won’t let him, and we need to work out our differences.

I don’t know if this is a small tribute to my husband, a description of him or a plea…. I just know that through his love I see a glimpse of Gods love for me.

He is a good man outside of God, but with Him he is amazing, and I need amazing and so do you.

Walking Blind

2010-06-01T22:58:00.006-04:00

I feel blind.
I can’t see beyond my emotions and those right now are negative, dark and cloudy.
Blind.

I wish I could fully articulate my emotional state or my attachment or love hate relationship with my situation. I don’t know how to move forward and the task of seeing has been placed on me, but I cant.

And now the feeling, the emptiness in the pit of my stomach makes me want to crawl up in a ball and weep because I feel like I’ve toiled for so long and the very thing that I’ve birthed and nurtured is dying, or dead.

And my heart cries, tears aren’t streaming down my face but I feel them. I feel hopeless, I don’t know what to do or how to change the situation and GOD I need you because …………………..because I do.

Because I realize that you are the only one, the only thing that can make this right.

Because I’ve tried and I’m failing.
I’m brave or I look brave but I’m scared and insecure and I need you because….

And the thing that always gives me hope and amazes me is that He can change things in a instant. Maybe not the situation but at least how I relate to it. Giving at least enough so I am able to cope….

And now I feel…

I feel like you’re hearing me, but sill I feel lost, alone , not doing anything because I don’t know if its worth it.

Is this what you want me doing or was I wrong all along?
Is this what you called me to?
Was I ahead of myself?

I don’t know where to go or what to think all I know is that how I feel can’t be good.

God
I just need to know what you want from me.
What you want me to do.
I don’t know if I can handle it but I can’t handle this place.

Why is everybody else moving and I feel stagnant and scared?
What am I missing?

I feel like He always says the same thing…trust…for years when I am battling I feel like that’s his answer and I try, and I do, but I’m sad.

But maybe I don’t.
Because the truth is, I want to see answers and results NOW

I want to lean on what I can see and understand because those are the things I know….

I don’t fully get it but I know I want straight paths. I know I need straight paths and God, I’m not sure if I’ve acknowledged you in all my ways, I’m not even sure what that looks like exactly…but I’m willing to learn.

The game changes just like that. Maybe not the situation, but at least the way I relate to it. I am still navigating through my feelings, but I am thankful for my Guide, because I know that really.....

I’m not walking blind.

Leaving him Behind

2010-05-21T23:57:00.006-04:00

I've been trying to get into a different mental space lately, trying to evaluate all that I'm doing and what I have to do. Its been hard, but in my process I am realizing how much I have to leave behind in my forward journey...

He’s not even my friend, he’s more like an enemy but still I crave to spend time with him. Day after day he calls me and sometimes I don’t answer, but all too often I do. Giving him my full attention and putting whatever else I have to do to the side because to me he deserves it….
well I’m not really sure that he deserves it but he definitely gets it.

It doesn’t really matter what I was doing or what I had to do, when he calls, I am there. It’s weird because although I spend more time with him than I do on almost anything else that is important to me, I can’t stand him. I guess it’s a love hate relationship.

He aggravates me and whenever I spend time with him I am thinking about other things. He is such a waste of my time and I know he is but still he is nearly impossible to resist. He offers me an escape from the reality and press of my goals. He offers an alternative to the pursuit of a better version of me….being with him is easy. No work, just my time is all he requires. He doesn’t care what we do just as long as we are doing it together; watching tv, surfing the internet, hanging out with people, doesn’t matter, as long as I am not doing things that are too heavy, or things I actually need to do…hmmm, come to think of it, that’s weird…but whatever, I like being with him…I think….

Even though he keeps me back from my dreams, and realizing my full potential I am comfortable with him. In my mind he’s good for me but for the wrong reasons, I know. Being comfortable with him is bad, its like being at home under a warm blanket when it’s raining outside, I don’t want to move, when I’m with him I can’t move.
It seems like when I am spending time with him my dreams get further and further away. But still with him I am comfortable, he is always there.
I spend time with him because I know that if I go after my dreams it will sometimes be lonely. I know that sometimes people won’t understand me or what I am doing and I will have to keep going. I am not so afraid of failure, it’s the success that scares me. What it will take for me to do everything that is in me to do scares me. I am not sure of the path, I am not sure what it will look like but I do know that if I stay with him I will never get there.

He can’t come with me.
It’s more than just him I have to leave behind, I have to leave my fears, and inhibitions. I have to leave behind those little things that are “me” but not the me I want to be, just the me I have always been.

There are patterns that I see, that I need to break. Leaving him is the first thing. I thought I got over some of the things but they seem to always be there. Maybe even when I have them under control I will still have to make conscious decisions to keep moving forward and not bringing them with me.

I am sure he will still call me. I am sure I will still want to spend time with him. But forget trying, I just won’t! You may know him too, maybe better than me, maybe not. He doesn’t discriminate he enters into these love hate relationships with whoever will have him. If you have not met him, look out for him.
To me his name is procrastination, he may go by a different name to you, either way, I'm sure it's time to leave those things behind and move forward...let's go!

Fingerprints

2010-05-18T23:57:00.004-04:00

I have a hard time listening, focusing, retaining. So as he spoke I applied everything in me to listening, focusing, retaining, so that I could later apply.

What stuck out to me most was what he said about fingerprints. The idea that we should see the Holy Spirits fingerprints on our lives, look for them and be open to experiences that he wants us to have.

It stayed with me, and I reengaged with the Spirit and kept my eyes open for opportunities from Him.
I sat with my students and shared some random facts about myself.
Parent names
Where I grew up
What sounds I hear in my living room
Food in my culture

It was a poem we were working on.

I come from _____________________

There was no prompt so I took a moment to decide what I wanted to say

“ a supportive Christian community”

I said two more things and was done, they began to question me

“What is ducana?!” she said
“It’s a dish from my country, a mix of sweet potato, coconut, raisins, flour and some other stuff.”

“When did you become a Christian?”
“Why did you become a Christian?”
“ Do you have friends who aren’t?”
“Is it ok to….”

I felt like I was in the twilight zone. These kids questioned me for about half an hour about my life as a Christian.

I was thankful that I was open and that I had changed. My answers were Biblical and based in my experience.

As I answered their questions I was able to reflect on my growth process. How judgmental and close-minded I used to be. How I had no tact….How I thought it was love…

I’ve changed.
The Holy Spirit has changed me, and I am impressed by Him

I am still in the process, but I am thankful for the fingerprints I see, I hope you see them too.

Navigating Solitude

2010-05-08T17:14:00.003-04:00

It seems like an oxymoron now that I think about it.

That my fear of being alone would keep me from this meeting, keeps me from this meeting because it’s a standing one. I know where but it seems like as of late I rarely show up, it pains me.

Something about the quiet and the hope that I would hear something, anything. His voice…I know it well but I still battle

“ did I make that up?”
“am I crazy?”

Feeling like the quiet breeds craziness as I wait….Knowing that He will show up and speak but still I fear.

I can’t adequately articulate my struggle and for each one the fear of walking through the process of solitude is different.

“ There are no real good men left and he has everything I want but..”
“chivalry is dead so I’ll take what I can get”
“ I mean, I guess I’ve never really been single”

Most of our struggle with solitude presents the same way and we fill it, not just with him or her but with this and that.

Lights dimmed I took my seat. Turned off the tv and my computer. Made sure my mind was quiet and my music was low, house empty.

I sat and sang

Not sure of what I wanted to say to him but I began to speak.

Words flowed out of me and in the pit of my stomach I felt a yearning.

As if he felt the yearning the room was flooded with his presence as he showed up

Not sure of what the silence would bring but I tested it. Sat there to see what would happen. Wondering if I was alone…really alone with my thoughts would I implode or some other far out fantasy or nightmare about what might happen in the space.

The space we find hard to navigate, better with a guide or a shepherd but I cant see him, so sometimes even though He’s there I feel lost and lonely. So I do what I can to cope with the space and the journey.

Fighting against the desire to miss our meeting and when I do, making promises that I wont again, it’s a process.

Not comfortable with it yet but my standards and hearts desire keep me coming back and hold me to something greater than the temporary… because essentially even though navigating the solitude, the quiet, the whatever is difficult, I want more and I know you do too.

Try something new

2010-05-03T13:33:00.003-04:00

I was more anxious than I thought I would be. Sure that I wouldn’t know what to do but figured I would try it anyway. I joined the circle and began to do the warm-ups….a series of toes and heels…it was then that I realized that I HAD to quit.

How could I, the wife of a hoofer and a stepper myself, suck so much? How could I be and feel so uncoordinated?!

I struggled and more than once I sat down. Coming up with excuses as to why it was ok for me to do so:

Well, I wasn’t really prepared to dance today…
I don’t have tap shoes…
This IS a beginner/intermediate class…
And even simply… I’m tired and hot

Feeling like all eyes were on me while at the same time realizing that none of them really cared..

I sat
I watched
I thought

It hit me that I was a quitter and that didn’t seem to match the idea I had of myself so I got up

All the while thinking that this was WAY outside of my comfort zone.

Palms sweating and scared, having a battle that no one else could see.

It isn’t often that I try new things but I do know that I HATE doing things that I don’t feel like I’m good at…

I had to get up and keep trying though, because otherwise I would be a hypocrite

“ Come to my class, you’ll love it! Even if you haven’t stepped before and have two left feet, it will be fine”

Now I was in the position of student and it was the worst, but I was committed. Committed at the least to not being a quitter so I had to relax…

Breathe and Relax..
Relax and Breathe

I realized that I had been over thinking the process, I had to feel and do….let go, so I did

Who cares if I don’t get it?
Who cares if “they” think I should be doing better

I had to let go of my fears of failure and of the unrealistic expectations I had put on myself for this new yet familiar dance.

I had to commit myself to the discomfort because it was there that growth happened for me

At the end of the class I still sucked…but I was challenged. I grew because I was uncomfortable and I decided to stick with it…try it…try something, you never know how you’ll grow.

It's more than the moments of madness

2010-04-26T22:11:00.008-04:00

I was pushed to the brink of insanity, or so I felt. Both of them crying in the car for no real reason at all and I just wanted to leave. Just wanted to walk away. Something about them crying was driving me crazy...and sometimes it has the ability to do that. To push me to the edge and make the situation seem so much bigger than it actually is.

And I often feel that way…like why…why me…why now?!

And yet, as she smiles at me…

as they smile and laugh and play and question there is nothing but love in my heart for them. An overwhelming love that can’t be understood until you have one, have it, feel it.

She sat in my lap and touched my face, she seemed to be studying it and in her eyes I saw and felt love, but even before that feeling and interaction I loved her with everything that I was and am.

My babies…there is something about them that brings out the best and worst in me…challenging me and causing me to grow.

Challenged to see myself honestly because whether or not I want to see everything, they will.
Realizing that if I don’t change if I don’t grow then my bad habits will just be repeated and have life through them…. and I don’t want that.

There is something, everything beautiful about children…they teach you, they challenge you and they give you the capacity to feel…things that I didn’t know were inside of me I feel…making decisions I didn’t know I would because I love….Choosing to stand for things because they are important and I need to be able to see that I stand for something. Fervently searching for answers because one day there will be many questions….

Within a matter of hours I had two opposing thoughts. I wanted to walk away…..just leave them crying as my blood boiled
and
“how could anyone not want this?!”

and parenting is like that sometimes…

I have no particularly profound thing to say, just wanted to share my thoughts and reflections on this crazy, tiring, beautiful thing called love and parenting.

It often reminds me of Gods love for me as a father, the type of unconditional, amazing powerful and moving love that can only fully be experienced because descriptions don’t do it justice and I often have the same question in spite of the ups and downs…

“ How could anyone not want this?!”

A "love" worth giving?

2010-04-16T09:54:00.007-04:00

Sitting here with my jaw dropped I want to say something. Not really sure what to say or how to approach the delicate topic that is causing uproar in our society and friendships. Disgusted by the way it has been dealt with by churches. Treading lightly because regardless of what I say I will probably offend some of my closest friends…..So silently I watch with my jaw dropped

No longer marching through city hall listening to chants of “ One man, one woman”. The event that I was once proud of …Taking pictures of what we thought would be an historic event. Not fully sharing the sentiment that the others shared or the way they communicated their beliefs but being grouped with them. Signs of

“You will burn in hell”
and
“ God created Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve”

Preachers using scare tactics, neglecting relationships and love….

And as I walked through those halls soaking in what I was a part of, I had conversations, two that I will never forget, remembering one liners and riding the fence because even though it seemed right it didn’t really feel right.

“I just came cause I didn’t want to go to school. I don’t really agree with the ban though. Legislation is about the rights of the people. We as Christians can not push our agenda and opinions on others and legislation even if we think its right. We have to think of human rights.”

Hmmmmm, it made me think, cause even though Manny is and was controversial, he had more than a point…

And as tears streamed down her face, sitting on the floor against the wall she caught my attention.

“Why do you hate us? ”

The words stung my ears and the image is forever burned in my memory. Everything else seemed to fade as I heard her. We began to talk, hoping that she would hear me, with all the Love I could muster I said…

“ I don’t….we don’t hate you”

My voice seemed to be drowned out by what she heard and saw around us so I quickly followed up with..

“ Its hard. Trying to take a stand for something that you believe in. Trying to not get lumped in with everybody who looks like you or is saying they have the same message as you. Feeling like you want to say something but not finding the words and hoping that a message of Love would be communicated”

“ How could I see this as love?! Signs and threats, that’s not love that’s hate!”

We continued to talk, me doing spiritual acrobatics in hopes of digging my religion out of the hole that we have dug for ourselves. Standing for issues as we should but in such a way that the true message that we are supposed to bring seemed to lose power.

Realizing that I couldn’t, hoping that she heard me as I said “ well, I’m different. I believe the same thing that that do, well, I don’t know. For me there is a focus on the Message and the love of Christ rather than the sin.”

We ended our conversation and I had heard her, and I believe she had heard me. Now more pensive than before, the scene I walked through seemed surreal.

It seems that there will always be this battle. We stand on one end, them on the other. Feeling attacked by our opinions and judgments because it seems to be the only thing we talk about.

The biggest issue addressed by the Church. Neglecting the reality that we view it as a sin.
Can’t rewind and state:
James 2:10 For whoever keeps the whole law and yet stumbles at just one point is guilty of breaking all of it…
or
Romans 3:23-24 23 for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God…
The glorified position we have given it makes our credibility wane.

I’m not sure if silence will change anything, but I am pretty sure that yelling wont.

Sure that the pictures of that rally that I hid from my friend because of fear of her reaction would begin a rift in our relationship that would take years to repair…

Sure that regardless of what my opinion is that if I don’t have the love in a relationship to back it up it lacks power…..

Sure that my stance hasn’t changed but my display of love has…

Sure that was is going on in Uganda, In the US, in Churches is madness…..

Sure that we all need change.

In Pursuit

2010-04-10T00:00:00.006-04:00

Today is my birthday! It is one of my favorite days of the year, I have no shame in saying that!

I have been reflecting a lot lately. Thinking about where I am and where I want to be. What I want to change and what I will have to do to get there.

I’m scared…or I get scared but I am always encourage by the fact that there is a plan and I have a purpose

So I refuse to be afraid, I pursue success

The idea of accomplishing goals and attaining the elusive idea of success is nerve racking. Committing yourself to pursue your goals is enough to make you not want to. I don’t know what happens to you but when I think about what I will have to do to reach my goals, I get scared. Not a fear type of scared but a nervousness in the pit of my stomach that makes me want to retreat.

I have often chosen to exhale and push on, but what is the thing that pushes me on? What helps me not to quit?

There are so many shows out right now that give people their one shot to fulfill their passions or dreams. People go to the auditions in throngs and we watch the shows religiously to see if they will be given their shot. We look for a glimpse of our success in their stories, we hear what they have been through and we identify because their pursuit of their passion and their success reminds us of ours…..maybe…..maybe they, maybe we, have it all wrong, is success really a one shot deal or is that an illusion?

If I could just do my thing for Diddy or if I just had the money to be able to….

We often relinquish control of our dreams making our goals hinge on someone else’s choices. We say that we can’t pursue our passion because of our job or that if we were just given a chance, we would “really make it.”

Success is not a matter of what you have done, can do or will do. It’s a perspective. A way of looking at your life and being content at your present stage while at the same time not being stagnant. Success changes from day to day dependent on your circumstance, but it is ultimately a matter of what you see.

I am a work in progress, working toward my purpose and goals. To me, I have achieved success. I am a true follower of Christ, an excellent wife and mother, a coach and a step dancer. I am living a passionate, fulfilled, successful life. I am not where I want to be, but I am moving…

I believe that what keeps me moving is my true self. The me that is waiting to be actualized, that thing that strives to be like my Daddy who is perfect. Some may not agree, but to me this is true. I know I will never attain His perfection but it is my job to try.…Maybe the desires I have are just the realest version of me trying to be actualized. I believe we have an inclination of who we are to be, or who we are in Gods eyes and this informs our desires and beliefs. Quite possibly that is why there is a disconnect between the me that doesn’t do what I believe in, and sometimes “what I don’t want to do” and the me that I believe I am.

Maybe it is really that the me that I believe I am is really the me that I am striving for. And the drive to make our beliefs and our actions line up is so that we can become the realest version of ourselves…. who God intended us to be.

Success is a mix of purpose, passion and effort. Not our purpose but Gods.

Resurrecting Love

2010-04-05T09:55:00.009-04:00

It’s the day after Resurrection Sunday and I am a couple days late on my post. Its been on my mind but I have been hitting walls lately. Things always happen that I feel like I can write about but then really, I don’t know what to write. There was one particular experience I wanted to share with you guys but I don’t know how to adequately describe it, but I’ll try.

We had been on the road all day and I really just wanted to go home, but I couldn’t. I had a meeting on the other side of the city. My friend Meghan set it up.

Nineteen year old girl who wanted more and wanted help finding it.

I thought about canceling as the sun set but my all supportive husband said

“we might as well”

Red Hook. A place I had never been and didn’t seem too attractive as we drove through the industrial building lined streets. Meghan tried to convince me that we should move… I’ll pass.

Anyway, I was glad we had come because I wanted to meet with her. Met her once before and something about her sparked my interest.

As we walked through the projects on this sunny day turned cold night I felt warm. It had been a while since I was around so many young people. As they seemed to walk aimlessly through the development I just wanted to do something…

I was reminded of my youth worker days. Putting on rallies, sleepovers, youth service, just chilin…I loved those days!

I didn’t speak to many of them but it could clearly be seen that they needed something, Someone.

“If you smoke, I’m not gonna get you dinner!” Meghan’s attempt to offer love to these kids, to be love to these kids.

A white girl offering Jesus to these black kids because she loves them and they need it. Taking the idea of being a part of the community that you live in to heart and making it her goal to make a difference. I appreciated her work.

We walked into her mother’s house.
Some would say it was a typical scene in the hood. She was fed up.

Tired of living the way that her mother had laid out for her and desiring change. She didn’t see the blueprint for how to create another life so she cried out for help.

To God,
to Meghan
and now me.

Trying to show her the love of Christ and communicate to her that He did indeed want something different for her.
That she would not and does not have to bear these burdens alone.
That she does not have to be like her mom
That she can succeed and is succeeding
That she is loved

all I could think was “dang, I love this girl”

It was like I was experiencing the love and urgency that we are supposed to have for the lost but all too often don’t. Often pointing out their sins and the things that we feel they need to change. Making them feel judged

They have heard the rules before but haven’t heard that He cares and He loves them, and isn’t that what matters most?!...change will come.

She poured out her heart and said that she wanted to be different, she loves her family, but needs change, wants a different life for her son….she wants answers.

Not sure exactly what to say but sure that I am connected to the One that can give her what she needs, we build…

There is something so different about this girl, just nineteen and seen more than most. Doesn’t want them to see her crying but she’s broken.

I see where she is as a place of strength and beauty and I know that as her story unfolds it will be amazing.

For now, I will just pray and love.

I have Hope

2010-03-26T00:36:00.005-04:00

This week was a trying week for me. I lost my wedding rings, band and engagement during a class. Please hold your questions, Im still dealing with it and I'm still hopeful..

My eyes are red.

Red because I can’t stop these tears from falling. I feel like I’ve been pushed over the edge of a small cliff, and now a waterfall. Not sure what really brought this surge of emotion but since the middle of yesterday I’ve been low. Before that, I was in a weird place.

So now, because of a misplace and a broken taillight it all comes to a head. The heaviness that was with me yesterday and all through the night to this morning has overcome me and I cry. Cry because….

I’m not sure why.

Needing a release and not sure if my problems are worth talking your ear off about I sit and I cry.

Wanting to feel something else and now the floodgates are open and emotion is pouring out of me.

As I looked into the mirror and saw my red eyes I began to feel a peace, his presence was there…

Feeling comfort in the idea that I walk by faith and not by sight…standing in awe of him I began to feel better.

Enough to make the tears stop and get a small grip because I had to teach and life goes on.

I began to rise out of the mini depression I had been slipping into

Feelings of inadequacy
Fear
and emptiness
Replaced by hope.

The hope of knowing that the overwhelming grief I was feeling was temporary.
Knowing that He knows and cares about my situation.

So if I don’t know how to help you now, I will
If I don’t know how things will work out, they will

And as I type I feel tears of gratitude because in a matter of ten minutes and a bucket full of tears he was able to change my heart, just a little bit at least so that I can cope. So that I can see the bigger picture and realize that a lost ring and a broken taillight, not being prepared for my class, not knowing what will happen with my business and not knowing how to move forward are temporary and they too will pass.

But as I walked into the room where my ring was lost I was reminded…

I lost it. They stole it, or it was taken.
Either way it’s gone.

But in my loss I was given hope and I was able to give trust and belief.
She handed me my wedding band and said that she found it.

“You think we stole it.”

In that moment I was glad that I didn’t. The hurt in her voice let me know that she had felt this way before. Judgment cast on the innocent because of her bad attitude. I too wanted her gone. Removed from my class because she distracted the others.

She wanted to stay.
She wanted to change. And now I’m glad she’s there.

I say that I believe in them and I do, but when something goes missing its hard not to blame and draw conclusions.
The relationships I had built could have been destroyed in an instant if I didn’t practice what I preach.

She needed someone to trust her and to believe that she, that they could do good.

Because I was sad and broken I was able to receive….
Regardless of what the outcome would be, will be, I had hope. My ability to let go of the situation (in a way) helped me to give.

I am not sure if this all makes sense, but for me I realized that allowing God to be with me, allowed me to give out of what I had lost.

I have hope.

I am

2010-03-19T15:03:00.007-04:00

The weather this week has been beautiful! Whenever it starts to get warm, sun shining, birds chirping it makes me think more. Something about the cool breeze always sends me into reflection mode. This week I thought a lot about where I am and where I want to be, for me hard stuff. I wanted to share with you some conclusions that I came to about myself :) I'm new to this blogging thing and really trying to define my voice, I write to get a better sense of myself.

So this is a peak at the unpolished me

Really though everyday I go back and forth with myself about who i am and what I want to accomplish...

I am excited and extremely nervous

I am what you see, and what you think of me, both are true and both are me...to an extent.

I have learned that I have fillers….things that take the place of God and things that separate me from men, people.

I have a need to be needed.

I like to know people’s stories, some would say I’m nosey, but really, I care…
And I’m nosey

I have a desire to be genuine, and I am, but I have tinges of gray. Times where I don’t really care and it shows.

I am narcissistic; I very much want things my way.

I want to be seen like a have it together, to a degree.

I feel like revealing my weaknesses is a strength, but an area I’m not the strongest in.

I don’t feel like I know what I am doing; I am insecure.

I like a lot of people around and most feel like they know me, I don’t agree.

I am territorial.

I am a pleasure delaying fat kid because things taste better after a wait and with the proper emotional attachment to enhance flavor.

I am committed to growth, but I don’t know what I have to do all the time and even more so, I am not sure that I would do what’s needed.

The best way I can think to say it is that I look at people in an effort most times to see their flaws.

I am impatient.

All the things that I am and the flaws that I have make me less than an unlikely candidate for what I feel called to do, but I feel like God wants to use my character and my story.

I am an optimistic realist holding out for the ideal.
I am a work in progress, progressively working towards my purpose.
I am true.
I am a wife, mother, daughter, sister, aunt and friend.
I am a leader.
I am a follower.

I am a beautiful contradiction because of grace. I am in some ways what I used to be but in a real sense I am completely new. I am different things to different people and always seen in different lights, I guess I am a chameleon.
In essence I am simply complex.

I believe in them

2010-03-12T16:14:00.008-05:00

I have a friend who consistently refers to me as a hood teacher.

I teach at six different schools in NY and from time to time I get a little distracted and might text, tweet or BBM...sad but true

Since her name calling though I have significantly cut down.

Either way this past week held extreme classes for me. I had a really good one and then one where I felt like the students were literally trying to kill me. Each one made me reflect on why I even bother...

Why do I do this?!?!

My answer is simple

" I believe in them"

Sometimes I run into teachers who have lost confidence in thier students because of their actions, once inspired but then ending up drained. A couple of months ago I met a teacher who I was so moved by that I had to write...my thoughts follow, and these are the thoughts and experiences that keep me going:

I met a teacher today who didn’t believe. She didn’t believe in her student’s ability to handle or perform the tasks that I would give them. Only four years on the job and her view of the kids was already tainted. Their behavior began to dictate what she would do with them and I felt her. I felt her desire to pass judgment and her inclination to look at the situation for what it is and act accordingly. But I’m not a realist, so I don’t think that way…

When I walk into a room I can sense what type of class it will be, what I do with that sense makes all the difference. If I let my emotions rule it will affect how I teach and thus how the students learn. It’s hard to avoid the downward spiral of emotional teaching. Believing that the kids need to learn what I have to offer while at the same time holding that they are unteachable is dangerous, but I’ve been there.

Angry at students, reacting and being affected by their words. Lacking the desire to teach and the motivation to challenge them because somewhere in my heart I felt like it wasn’t worth it. Wasn’t worth fighting through their attitudes and outside drama….but isn’t it?

“ Why are we doing this? I don’t get this. This is stupid” ….he annoyed the life out of me. He would come into class, complain, distract other students and not participate. He REALLY got under my skin. I would get so frustrated at times that I wanted to hit him, so I did....I wish

I had enough, I told my boss that I wanted him out of my class.

I deemed him unteachable.

My, boss spoke to him.

This kid immediately went from being the bane of my existence to being one of my best students. There was a shift in his behavior….

It’s a challenge, but I try to approach my kids and my classes like I have something to offer them and that they are teachable, because they are. They aggravate me, they annoy me, they seem like they don’t want to be there, but they are my kids. I have to be patient with them, and understand that there is more going on for them then what happens in my class. I try to not let what other people say or even how the child acts color what I think their potential is. I

t’s not easy but I try.

It was the second to last day of class and for the most part he hadn’t given me so much trouble, but today was different. At this point he was out of control and it seemed that he was on a special mission to push my buttons, and he did. I called his name and said something to the effect of

“ why are you so annoying?”

or

“you are so annoying”

either way it was BAD!

I immediately regretted it although it felt great to finally get it off my chest.
He looked angry, he was angry, I just watched.

Tears started to stream down his face…… It hurt me to my core.

The words that I said out of frustration to this fifth grader affected him, hurt him.

I called him over to me… “I am sorry that I spoke out of frustration, I was annoyed but did not mean to hurt your feelings. We as teachers are affected by what you do but that doesn’t excuse me speaking to you in that way. It was frustrating for me to see you go from one of my best students to being distracted and distracting. I know that you can do better. I need you to know that you can do better. I want you to focus and change your behavior.”

He nodded his head.

I will never forget those tears, the tears that fell because I passed judgment on this child and allowed my actions and words to reflect it.

My classes are generally good, but some are really difficult. Some of my students follow instructions and others fool around, but all of my students are excellent.

All of them have potential and they all deserve for someone to believe and invest in them.

Sometimes I have to take a couple minutes out to speak to students individually so that I can understand their behavior. I never regret it. I never regret letting them know that I care and I’m there because it always makes a difference, if not for them for me. In understanding their stories I am able to be patient and I believe that’s what they need.

My plea for humanity

2010-03-06T23:51:00.004-05:00

We watched 2012 tonight and although the series of events were naturally highly unrealistic, the movie was jarring. Like all apocalyptic movies it made me reflect on the frailty of mankind and the mere blip of our existence. There was an anxious feeling in the pit of my stomach, much like butterflies I have before I perform. Although now I wasn’t performing, just sitting and trying to soak in what I was seeing.

My mind was flooded by thoughts, and I was reminded of a video I watched two days ago.

I don’t really follow John Piper, except on twitter, but the other night Khalid and I watched three short clips from sermons he preached. I was moved strongly by one in particular that has been on my mind ever since.

“Jesus came into the world to save EVERYONE…..I want you in heaven with me” As John Piper erratically spoke, pretty much looking like an old crazy dude, I was moved.

Reminded of times that I pleaded with my friends and random people alike…

Reminded of how zealous I used to be in an effort to communicate the Truth that I’ve found….

Offending many but really just wanting them to hear that I cared.

More than that, God cared, still does care…

Trying to relay that it is not about our differences but rather about the reality that it’s a choice and there is nothing that separates us but a choice.

That being Chosen and the exclusivity of my beliefs really aren’t exclusive at all but rather just about choosing…

I’ve been told still that
“its not fair”
that
“I don’t want to serve a God like that”
that
“I guess we’ll just see what happens”
that
“your truth is your truth and mine is mine”

And my heart breaks….

I am more sure about this than any other thing in my life and the thought of my loved ones not choosing brings tears to my eyes and as I type my eyes are welling up and I feel it in the pit of my stomach because I am scared.

I have long left the days of pleading without a context. Now I build relationships.

but the plead and the fight is still in me….

I don’t pray for you as I should but I love you, and I will. Whether or not you think this truth is for you, I do, so I will plead and I will cry, and I will pray. Because although it does not come up in our conversations daily, its always on my mind because I love you, man how I love you…

Now this seems to be turning into a letter, and as I write, the names and faces of those I love flood my mind…and some blank pictures do too. The love and urgency I feel is not reserved for those I know personally, because this truth is for everyone.

Near the end of this apocalyptic movie there was a quote “The moment we stop fighting for each other, that's the moment we lose our humanity.”

So whether or not you think I should, I will fight for you!
J. Hill

The Clip that moved me

It's simply time

2010-03-05T02:34:00.000-05:00

I have been putting off posting just cause... Will anybody care or read what I have to say? Do I really have anything to say? My uncertainty mixed with mere procrastination crippled me...so now I Blog, welcome! I am figuring this process out but I hope you join me for the journey and enjoy the ride.

I have made a decision to live in the moment with this blog, realizing that things wont always be perfect but I have to move forward, so because of my resolve, I begin and these thoughts motivate me:

I could never understand why we don’t maximize today. Always waiting for the next as time slips through our fingers and we hope for more. Longing for change and naming and claiming greatness but instead of making moves, we resolve. Making resolutions to do things differently next year as if the opportunity for change is only allotted on December 31st. Not taking into consideration that a new year is really just a second away from the old and that each second we have a chance. We can have a new lease on our lives now, today we can resolve to change.

By the fifteenth of the month most of us have forgotten what we have decided to change. We hold our breath for the rest of the year, not even realizing that we are dying. We lose sight of the things that drive us and become captivated with whatever is in front of us at the moment. We forget how to run…. The things that make our hearts smile and beat faster with anticipation. The things that we would do if rent wasn’t an issue.

Not always aware that we are dying. That pieces of ourselves are being stripped away because we no longer see our goals. Forgetting the list and the things that we said would be different this time around. But as time slips away there is a reality that there is more. More for us today than there was yesterday. Acknowledging that there is a different feel in a new year, but the only thing that separated it from the old was a second…and in a second everything changed and it can.

First with the way that we think. Embracing that the ideal is possible. That lofty thinking is not always crazy. That if I want things to be different I have to really believe that they can be….not easy but reality. Laying out what I see in an effort to attain what may not be… It’s hard but that is what I have resolved.

J. Hill