Losses

I’ve been thinking about losses and people who have lost….

The pain it brings and the hope that you need to get through it.
The hope that the pit you feel like you are in, you wont be in forever.
The hope that it will be balanced out one day and the injustice that you feel has been done to you will be rectified.

I’ve lost.
Friends, family, many relationships, my engagement ring, sleep, $60 last week, fights

Friends have lost
Babies, fathers, jobs, apartments, cars, their lives

I’ve been thinking about gains and the people who have gained. Floating on clouds and overjoyed at what the present has brought. Negative feelings gone, leaving only the desire to conquer the world.

In the moment, and because of the memory, the feeling in the pit of your stomach is unbearable. No one is exempt.

One of my former students mothers was involved in a fatal accident in which six passengers in their church van lost their lives. Eight didn’t, his mother was one of them.

There was an accident causing traffic on the highway. I found out that a tractor overturned, killing a passenger in another car.

One of my friends has lost several babies…..and gained one

On the days, in the moments that you feel your loss, it seems like it will last forever. Like there is no way out, no escape and no bright day. The gains are not a factor in light of the loss.

I’ve been thinking about mistakes and freak accidents.
S.I.D.S.
Car accidents
Hit and runs
Drownings

The things that are not maliciously or purposefully done but that change your life dramatically.

I am thankful for the fragmented way that I remember and feel things. If I carried around all the things that I’ve lost, all my sorrow, fears and doubts, all the time, I know I wouldn’t make it.

I am thankful for the times of overwhelming joy because even when I lose or think about what I’ve lost, I can hold on to those moments and have hope.

I am thankful for my losses and for the people who have lost. It reminds me that life isn’t fair, to anyone. That I’m not alone…big or small we all have our losses.

People have healed from things I couldn’t imagine. People live with the craziest of pasts and presents.

I am not sure that I have a happy wrap up to this one…

There’s hope, there’s always hope!
There’s healing and bearing…. not forgetting

I feel like its silly that one of my greatest losses was my engagement ring, but it was. Whenever I think about it, I get a little sad. Whenever I look at my band or only put on one ring, I get a little sad. But there is a difference between the sorrow I felt those days when I thought it was lost and now knowing that it IS lost.

What helped me at the moment was Gods love, I needed it to cope. What helps me now, is the reality that it’s lost, and the hope for something better.

I don’t know if there is always something better, but who is the real judge of that anyway…I can still have hope even with my loss….I hope you can too.

Doing Something

I just really want to write. Write and coach, speak and step.
I think about doing something, but I feel like I cant. I am tired...mostly sleepy, and I don’t feel like there is anything to write. It seems like I haven’t been able to process my thoughts or experience anything fully. I know there are things happening, but I feel like I am up against a wall.

I think about where I am and how I feel all the time. I think about what I would love to do and what I would be doing if everything was just right in the world. I think about whether or not I am able to do all the things I am thinking about…and while I think, days fly by,

So now, rather than think, I will do something. I am writing for the sake of consistency. Because doing nothing is really not the best option even if I don’t think what I do will be my best. Who cares anyway, everytime, every post can’t be my best, but if I don’t write at all …..if I do nothing at all….

Just thinking can definitely NOT be my best.

My desire to know more,
do more,
be perfect
sometimes keeps me from the business of doing.

I don’t want that to be my story. I think a lot but often find excuses not to do. Or I open my laptop with the intentions of doing work but then I actually just search random things online
Or
I open a word document and stare at it, then close it and move on…

SO now, even though I don’t really have anything to say, I thought it was more important to write, than to think…

Something that somebody said on Greys Anatomy struck a cord with me. He said

“ you don’t find something you love that much, and let it go.”

If I am not able to get out of my head, my schedule, my fears than I will never be able to “do”, and if I don’t “do”….who will?