Trying Faith

For all the joy, excitement, nerves and the like, I can’t sleep. My life has become a whirlwind of change and it has been hard to digest and appreciate it at times. For months we have been praying, looking and talking about moving, it was one of the main things on our minds, and now we are. The countdown is on and dramatic change is upon us, and I’ve been nervous.
Talking a good game about moving and what I want, but now feeling a mixed bag of nerves and relief.

This process has resulted in my faith and relationship with God stretching. When I came into the situation I had a specific idea of how God would provide and how it would make the greatest praise report. I gave little wiggle room for how my desires should be met and what would affirm my faith and belief that God cares for me. Now I’m realizing that if God had fit my initial list to a T, it probably wouldn’t have been as good as I thought. God meeting my list ( this time) would have affirmed a bad habit of putting my faith into an outcome, rather than in Him.

Faith in itself is tricky for me. The balance between praying and believing God will provide what I am looking for and need and believing that he actually knows what I need is hard to navigate. The trying faith part for me has been in grasping the idea that He REALLY knows what I need, and how that can be different from what I want. The challenge has been to believe that He knows best, no matter the situation or what it looks or feels like to me. I have been making space for Him to be with me in the process and trusting that He cares enough about the me and the details that I care about.

I wish I could’ve reported back that my checklist was met completely, but it wasn’t. I wish that I wasn’t nervous, but I am. I wish that I felt like everything was happing smoothly, but it’s not….but still….I feel like God is orchestrating this, and trying to help me grow in the process. I am coming to grips that even though it will be an adjustment, He knows what he is doing and more importantly, he knows what we need.

We haven’t moved yet and I have a ton of unanswered questions which are all becoming irrelevant, because the reality of our move is only days away. There are things I would’ve liked to organize better and others I would’ve liked to figure out….things that are causing anxiety…but God has been covering those things. He is helping me to remember the process that this search has been and how long I’ve been wanting this very thing. He has reminded me of what I need, regardless of what I want. He has been strengthening my life with friendships that are making a difference and He has been constantly comforting me and making me feel safe.

The other night I was laying awake in bed thinking about how crazy life feels right now and Anaya began to fuss a little bit, I rolled over to listen for whether or not I would have to go into their room. As I listened for more crying I heard Jayda say “ shhhh shhhh, It’s ok, I’m here.” It made me smile and warmed my heart that she knew that was all Anaya needed. In that instant, I felt comforted and at peace. I felt like God was saying the same to me, and it was jut what I needed. Sometimes, you just need to be reminded of the simple truths.