3102012- Where I've been

It was just a regular Tuesday, but these spots of blood began to hint at how my life story would change. I never thought that it would happen to me. Not in an over confident or cocky way, just in the sense that I felt like the odds were in my favor. Everything seemed to line up and was happening just as we had hoped. It took longer to get to this place this time. We had tried for months, which for us seemed like forever.

When we found out that you were coming, it meant everything to us. The completion of our family unit and the beginning of a new phase of life. New life. We kept you our secret for a while, not knowing how people would react, we protected the joy that you brought.

I would have never thought that it happened like that or would feel like this. The life that was inside of me that had bubbled up and spilled over to a joy in our family now fell out of me. Unlike I had experienced it being told before. For everyone it is different, but for me…..I don’t know

I got up because I had to be somewhere, my stomach hurting.

Before this I had no warning of your way too early arrival. I can’t remember what I was thinking or if I even had time to think between laying down and standing up and feeling you drop out of me. I looked down and will never forget the image.

It was like something out of a poorly done film and I imagine that I froze in that moment as I was overcome with the grief and reality of death.

Your protective world a sphere that was to stay lodged inside of my body so that I could keep you safe, now laying in a piece of cloth. A perfect grayish translucent ball housed you. I wasn’t supposed to see you yet. You were not supposed to come. You were still being formed, still being put together and I couldn’t have imagined having to see your pea-sized body.

Nothing could have prepared me for this. The pictures that I have seen on baby center now in real life.

The grief is overwhelming. I was supposed to be pregnant. Not now going through the emotional turmoil that I feel and no baby. My life story now has this death woven into it. So many people face it and people try to sympathize, but to go through it…my God.

I have joy and I have hope and thank God I have peace and still there is so much pain. So much grief and confusion. Fear and questions about the future. Thoughts of guilt and shame and “how could I have changed this” and “ what are they thinking of me now.” I would wish this upon no one.

What could I have done?
How could I have protected myself better
How could I have protected you?
Do I take off work?
Do I need a couple days to grieve? A couple weeks?

Even with the knowledge that I could have done nothing, it still has the ability to change everything. It has made me want to reevaluate what I want and what I believe. How I'm viewed and how I make decisions. My husband said " It is in these times that you see what you are really made of", I agree.

I feel like I have never heard of this. Like this is a new discovery of an old pain that is familiar to everyone but only unique to some. There is death and grief associated with that moment for me. I am having highs and lows trying to deal with this thing that has changed the dynamics of my family.

I feel such deep pain and sorrow over my loss. I am now a part of a group that I always had confidence I would not join. I can now identify and with those who have lost and long for more.

I have wondered why this happened.
Why this happens.
I have no answers. I know that I felt like my life fell apart and that I needed and need more than just time to heal my wounds. I know that my life is being pieced back together and a beautiful story is being written.

It was only six weeks ago that you entered my life, six days ago that I saw you. My life will never be the same.