Birthing Possibility

I am sitting in the place between bitter and sweet.  With expectation and great anticipation I am preparing for my life to be swept up again by that “new baby scent” and sleepless nights.  In that same breath, I am not ready. 

I am not ready for this life to leave me and have to deal with the harshness of the world rather than the safety of the womb. 

I am not ready for the juggling of six schedules and personalities that need to be taken care of.

I am not ready for the redefining of my life. 

For six and a half years my life has been consumed with being pregnant and having a newborn. This will be my last.

My identity and abilities have been adjusted based on my varying physical and mental capacity.  I have put things off, scaled things back and given justified excuses for my lack of consistency.

The season I am entering is unchartered territory and long put off responsibility. 

My weight,

Fatigue,

Accomplishments,

Goals,

Pursuit of my passion

Are opening up once more.

I am entering a season of possibility and hope and I want to be ready.  Just as easy as one crutch leaves another can fill its space. Who I am and how I’ve been seen has been wrapped up in my building a family, who will I become after this season?

Will my dreams and passions manifest in the beauty and brightness that I dream them in?

Do I have what is takes to grace stages and heal lives?

There is a part of me that is ready. The part that says my fear is unfounded and I have been moving in the direction of my passions all along.

There is just something about sensing that it is your time…. 

That there is a window to step into your fullest purpose, 

A burst of energy to run towards your dreams,

A bubbling on the inside that must produce.

That is where I am.  I have been pregnant for a long time and now we will see what will be birthed. 

In my hands

He repeated it like a mantra “ but God is good.”  I was only on the elevator for thirty seconds, but in that time he repeated it several times as if he were trying to convince me, or himself, of the truth of his statement.  His partners father was dying of cancer he said, only a couple hours left.

I looked down at my hands and wondered what I could do.  What did I have in my hands, in my life, to offer this man that would bring any comfort or change?

I could pray….Put my faith to work and hope there would be a change.  Healing for his father or at least comfort for him.

We were together only a minute, but as we rode the elevator, then walked together before we went our separate ways, I was intrigued by his mantra and the emotions behind it.

It made me think of who I am and what I believe is possible.  What I have to offer the world and whether or not I would actually offer it fully.  What is my mantra? What do I repeat?

I suppose I have added to my resume, “healer.” In a way that’s what I’ve always been, or tried to walk in.

The physical healings that I’ve been a part of just an outpouring or representation of the emotional healing and change I want to be a part of in peoples lives.

The purposes of a person’s heart are deep waters, but one who has insight draws them out.” I want to be that “one.”

There is healing in my hands.

Power, love and fire in my hands.

Relationships to build with my hands.

This is what I have to offer. What I lay down to take up and be a part of God’s story. 

I want my journey to be marked by the use of what’s in my hands.  I want to be comfortable with my abilities, but also the process of surrendering those things that I am comfortable with. 

There are many things I repeat in my head and many things I hear others repeat to themselves.  I wonder how my life would change if I repeated the truth about what I hold and what I’ve been told. 

If I was convinced about the burning in my hands and in my heart that brought healing to the lives of others.

If I walked in the authority of the truth. The surety of purpose and passion.

People say things all the time.  I want what I say and what I do to be a reflection of the truth that I believe and the reality of what I hold in my hands.