It's more than the moments of madness

I was pushed to the brink of insanity, or so I felt. Both of them crying in the car for no real reason at all and I just wanted to leave. Just wanted to walk away. Something about them crying was driving me crazy...and sometimes it has the ability to do that. To push me to the edge and make the situation seem so much bigger than it actually is.

And I often feel that way…like why…why me…why now?!

And yet, as she smiles at me…

as they smile and laugh and play and question there is nothing but love in my heart for them. An overwhelming love that can’t be understood until you have one, have it, feel it.

She sat in my lap and touched my face, she seemed to be studying it and in her eyes I saw and felt love, but even before that feeling and interaction I loved her with everything that I was and am.

My babies…there is something about them that brings out the best and worst in me…challenging me and causing me to grow.

Challenged to see myself honestly because whether or not I want to see everything, they will.
Realizing that if I don’t change if I don’t grow then my bad habits will just be repeated and have life through them…. and I don’t want that.

There is something, everything beautiful about children…they teach you, they challenge you and they give you the capacity to feel…things that I didn’t know were inside of me I feel…making decisions I didn’t know I would because I love….Choosing to stand for things because they are important and I need to be able to see that I stand for something. Fervently searching for answers because one day there will be many questions….

Within a matter of hours I had two opposing thoughts. I wanted to walk away…..just leave them crying as my blood boiled
and
“how could anyone not want this?!”

and parenting is like that sometimes…

I have no particularly profound thing to say, just wanted to share my thoughts and reflections on this crazy, tiring, beautiful thing called love and parenting.

It often reminds me of Gods love for me as a father, the type of unconditional, amazing powerful and moving love that can only fully be experienced because descriptions don’t do it justice and I often have the same question in spite of the ups and downs…

“ How could anyone not want this?!”