Decisions

I have decisions to make. There is always something that seems to be hanging in the balance

To stay or to go
To quit or to push
To sleep or get up

There are pros and cons to doing…..or not doing. I always mull over my options, but ultimately, I’ve learned to make choices.

Not just the big choices, but the hard ones. Choices that build my character…

The decision to wash the dishes rather than leaving them for my husband to do

The decision to grind and produce quality work rather than quit

The decision to put the clothes in the laundry bag rather than on the closet floor

The decision to volunteer at a camp rather than have a vacation

Either option is what I “want”, it’s just a matter of what will make me stronger

Some are easy tasks, some are big choices, but for me they are all hard decisions.
I want to do a halfway job if I do the job at all. I want to take the easy route, the selfish route…

These decisions range in their gravity but are all the same when it comes down to their very nature, they are mine to make, and if I step outside of my temporary feelings, they will make me stronger

It seems that no matter what it is, if I sit and debate about it becomes clearer, but that doesn’t make it easier.

The very fact that it is an issue for me, lets me know (sometimes) what I should do…from there it is just a fight of my will ….
a fight of my character.

It’s the small choices that I make, the ones that seem insignificant that build character in me. They help me to know that I can do great things.

If I can die to myself today maybe one day doing those menial tasks that I hate will become easier, but maybe they wont.

Really it doesn’t matter what the outcomes are. What matters to me is that I make the hard choices because for me they are hard.

I have a husband that treats me like a queen and because of that I sometimes get lazy and forget to treat him like a king.
Doing the menial tasks helps me to not get lazy.
Making hard decisions help me to grow, to sacrifice, to love, to persevere.

For some reason this song brings the big and small decisions into perspective for me. Regardless of how I feel, regardless of the choice, keeping in mind that it’s all about Him.....

Recognizing that ALL my decisions, all my choices should reflect the one I am trying to be like and the primary aim of my life.

So, I don’t always get it right
I struggle
I cry
I am hard on myself
I succeed
I work
I make hard choices
I get stronger

Decisions that no matter how I respond they will make me stronger, but still I have to decide…

Character

There are so many characters in Washington Square Park
Pigeon Man
Pimp dude
Random Bystander
Accordion Guy
Delicious Adorable
Fashionista Lady
Vacationing Family
Preacher dude
And Crack heads

I could sit and watch these folks for hours. Not sure if they are doing what they are doing to be seen or if this is just the way that they live their lives, after all I could just be dread head, and they could be watching me…

I could take this thought in two directions and my mind is wondering which one…
What do they see if they are watching me? What do they think? To some this question is irrelevant but it’s always on my mind because I want to be seen like Him.

Preacher dude was one of the first people we saw. He handed us a card inviting us to a youth service

“ I don’t know if we’re your target” I said
“ Do you know God?!” was his response

For whatever reason I was on edge and turned off by his question. Turned off by the approach or by him, I don’t really know.

It sparked a conversation and feelings. A conversation that I was thankful to have because it reminded me of the process that I am going through.
My effort has been to be sensitive to the people around me. For what I do and how I approach people to be culturally relevant, taking into account who they are and “where” they come from.

As we walked and talked and encountered the different characters I was reminded of the difference that relationship makes.
The importance of being non judgmental
Of loving
Of listening

Enter crack heads

Arguing about God knows what, we had to stop and listen.
I have no idea what this lady was talking about, only that she was talking to us.
Our hearts wanted to talk to her about the Answer but we knew in her state, at this time it wouldn’t make a difference, so instead we were love…we were present.

Just listened and smiled, and in that we connected with her…
I think people can feel Gods love without the label, without the jargon. They may not be able to identify it at the time but if they really feel it through us, someday they might be able to…

And that’s my struggle, moving from the “throw the idea of Jesus is your face Christian”, to the “Be Jesus Christian”…I wanna be a character.

I want to
Act like Him
Love like Him
Be seen like Him

Act it out

I write for the sake of consistency. There is so much going on in my mind that to me it feels like I have nothing and everything to say…

I want to say something…something profound but it seems whatever profound conclusions I come to have been reached already….either way I figure I should give you, whoever you may be, an update on me. On how I am doing, or at least how I did…

The workshop…the thing I had been afraid of for weeks.

Given two whole hours to make a difference and communicate whatever I thought pertinent and relevant to the topic. “ Working Your Passion” and as I made an effort to communicate how to do that I was doing it, living it, because this work is my passion.

I had never done one like this before. Many workshops about step, so very dear to my heart, but this was different, I often feel vulnerable and unworthy when it comes to the motivational
Inspirational
Thoughtful
Me

So as I sweat bullets and sat with a six page outline printed on canary yellow paper I tried to calm myself and not be awkward because often I am.

I wish I could communicate the crazy feelings I had…like I would implode or even worse be stared at with blank faces as I poured out my theories and ideas and the importance of understanding your passion which I believe is directly related to your purpose.

It was hard because I felt bare and vulnerable, sharing the deep thoughts of my heart and hoping that it wasn’t too simple or silly or just plain stupid.

All the encouragement in the world did not make a difference. They made me smile and feel good for a second but they did not change the anxiety or negative feelings. I had to overcome my fears
I had to trust God
I had to believe in myself
I had to act on what I said I believed

This is only the beginning. The exercise of stepping outside of my comfort zone and into my purpose brought a new focus to the work that I want to do. I understand that it wont be easy but I am committed to the process and being uncomfortable

Its funny how we always…maybe not always...but sometimes we tend to think of ourselves in the worst light…our self worth and self esteem are constantly being challenged by our purpose.

All of the process is important, what I see and where I stand. The things I am feeling and going through are just to push me closer…just exercise. Character building so that as I get closer to that picture of me, I will be strong.

There is a woman on the Next Food Network Star and she consistently produces what the judges say is excellent food. She, rather than give a confident nod and a “thank you” consistently makes comments like “ Wow, Really?!?!” or “ I just cant do anything right!” There is a genuine negative light that she sees herself in.

We don’t always see the greatness in ourselves. No matter the praise, no matter the track record…

I get SO pissed at her, but more often than not…I am her…sad but true

I constantly have to flood my mind with
Positive thoughts and the reality of what God says about me, because if I don’t I guarantee you that I would be doing nothing…but I must.

I must work because He has created me to. Because I need it. Because you need it…

Seems like there is a cockiness in that but the truth is that I feel like God has given me something that the world needs…I just have to believe it and act it out.