Capitalizing on Fear

I went to sleep and woke up with one thing on my mind. The anxiety of this interview weighed on me. I felt like how we would represent ourselves would seal the fate of our children. It is crazy to imagine that as my oldest id only four we are trying to make strong educational choices for her future. The amazing task of parenting is that the major decisions, especially in their early childhood, fall on you.

We wanted to give an accurate picture of who we were and who she was but the task to me seemed daunting. I am not sure if it was the feeling in the room or the school itself but this seemed beyond major. Paying for school. Some parents have had their children here for two years already and they are not even in kindergarten yet. Waiting lists for the best schools starting at birth and here I am starting at four years old. It’s crazy. Crazy to think that we are behind the eight ball in comparison to some other parents. “ Yes, my daughter goes to music class, dance, tae kwon doe and we are doing a reading program on Saturdays” …..” what types of activities is your daughter involved in?” I felt oddly ashamed as I could only say “ she is in dance school and the Sunday school program at our church is dynamic and innovative” Doing all we can do for our children and somehow still feeling like we should do so much more.

“It seems like everyone capitalizes on the fear of parents.” Words said by a friend that I will not forget

The fear that we are not doing enough. Thinking about them never choosing a career or tapping into their passion. Paying for counseling sessions because you screwed them up. Buying anything electronic to keep them busy, stimulated and learning. Limited tv time. Blocks and toys galore. Workbooks. Flash cards. Discussions. Please DO NOT whine. Stop Crying.

All we want is for our children to do their best, be their best. Feeling responsible for making sure that they make the right decisions in life. Instilling values because really at the end of the day none of the other stuff really matters anyway…..I mean it does…of course it does because I’m doing it.

The fear.

All we want is what is best. To offer them the world. To make sure they don’t want for anything To ensure that they are successful. To do everything in our power to make sure that they have amazing lives.

Bearing the burden.

The other side of the reality is that it can’t be that serious…. I think we do so much because our kids are a reflection of us. Their successes and failures point back to the work we’ve done, whether accurately or not.

Makes me wonder how my life reflects Christ, or doesn’t. My students looked through the pictures on my phone and saw a Bible in the background of a pic. One girl laughed “ Why you got that…you don’t read that” It struck me as funny….on one hand, I don’t really…definitely not as much and not as consistently as I should. In the same vein it made me wonder who these kids think I really am…and who I am for real. How the decisions I am making and the path I am on point back to him. I am not sure that my life always does and as a parent, I wonder how that makes him feel…

The art of inspiration

My dashing coach Adam asked me last week what inspires me. For whatever reason that struck me as one of the hardest questions I have been asked in a long time. He said that my work seemed uninspired and that I seemed both over and underwhelmed by what I was doing. I felt like crying as his words struck a cord in me that I have been grappling with for a long time. I don’t feel like doing my job all the time and I have been trying to find meaning in my work…..but really I just want to get back, or get started…I’m having a hard time though. I figured the question that seemed to cut and probe me so deeply was as good a way to start as any.

My first response or feeling is…I don’t know. I don’t know where I get inspiration from and how to apply it to the things that I feel uninspired by.

I guess I feel like what inspires me is silly.

I am inspired by people who are living their lives passionately. The individual who knows what they love and is in pursuit of it, gives me energy.

I am inspired by the change process. How an individual commits to change and grow as a result of it.

The mere sound of stepping inspires me. It makes me want to reach for goals that I have and get better at the craft I love.

My husband inspires me. His drive and commitment to excellence makes me want to do better. His willingness to stay up late and wake up early to be the best that he can be inspires me. His commitment to growth and change inspires me.

My girls inspire me. Their creative process as they grow pushes me to do better so I can be the best example for them.

As I have been dealing with my students and trying to think about how to work with them more effectively, I have been inspired. Inspired to make sure I am a quality dance teacher and that I am focused and energized when I interact with them. Watching my students go through the normal process of learning a step and working hard to understand and master the hard parts has inspired me.

There is a beauty in the process….it’s funny because that is what I feel like God has been saying to me. I don’t always appreciate where I am. I think more about where I want to be, but there is such a beauty in the process, I am trying to take the time to appreciate and be inspired by it.

Fuller

I have been nervous to restart. I have wanted to post, wanted to write, wanted to do something, anything, but I’ve been nervous….here goes my first move.

I often sit and wonder if I am just running. If this path that I have chosen is just a way to mask my fear of failing. Everyday I try to figure out why I haven’t done something different yet. My life is the fullest and the emptiest it has ever been. Empty in the sense that I am not doing the things that I am passionate about, like performing, coaching and writing. Not is the overwhelming way that it originally sounded like. I have everything that I could ask for: a loving husband, three amazing kids, loving family, the freshest friends, job tied to my passion….I could continue to name things, but I’m sure you get the point. Still with everything good I have, I’ve been feeling like I need more .

There are a number of tasks and goals that I am reminded of that I am not doing anything to reach. The fear of not reaching them makes me want to work. The reality that it would make me feel better makes me want to do something. I know I can use the few minutes that I have free. But still I don’t. Innovative ideas cross my mind and the fear of drowning squashes them. I feel like screaming as I write because I know I have to do something. So this is the first step in my change commitment.

Because even though I have a full life, I need it to be fuller.

Having a family could be and is enough, but still I want more and I think that is ok. Yes, I can say that I am doing enough because I am balancing what is immediately in front of me, but I do not just want to balance what I see, I want to attain what I don’t see. I want all my fantasies and wishes to come true want to see a change in my life. I want to walk in my purpose and live out my passion even if it takes every ounce of me, because although I am living now, I am not doing so fully. So I commit to run.. Not away from what I feel is too hard for me, or too scary, but towards my dream to make it my reality.

I am thankful that I am not alone on this journey. I am thankful that I can fail, and that will be ok. I am thankful that there are others jut like me who dream big but may be nervous, but refuse to give up on the beauty of their dreams.

I am not sure that I will make it. I am not sure that I will be as successful as I hope or as good as I may need to be. I AM sure though that if I don’t try I will never know what I can do, or what God wants to do through me.

It’s easy to tell other people to jump into the deep end. Now it’s time for me to.

I wish I could say that I wasn’t scared, or that I have it all figured out. I don’t. Even still, I am choosing to do something, because doing something is way better than thinking about doing something, and that’s what I’ve been doing. No more….join me

Trying Faith

For all the joy, excitement, nerves and the like, I can’t sleep. My life has become a whirlwind of change and it has been hard to digest and appreciate it at times. For months we have been praying, looking and talking about moving, it was one of the main things on our minds, and now we are. The countdown is on and dramatic change is upon us, and I’ve been nervous.
Talking a good game about moving and what I want, but now feeling a mixed bag of nerves and relief.

This process has resulted in my faith and relationship with God stretching. When I came into the situation I had a specific idea of how God would provide and how it would make the greatest praise report. I gave little wiggle room for how my desires should be met and what would affirm my faith and belief that God cares for me. Now I’m realizing that if God had fit my initial list to a T, it probably wouldn’t have been as good as I thought. God meeting my list ( this time) would have affirmed a bad habit of putting my faith into an outcome, rather than in Him.

Faith in itself is tricky for me. The balance between praying and believing God will provide what I am looking for and need and believing that he actually knows what I need is hard to navigate. The trying faith part for me has been in grasping the idea that He REALLY knows what I need, and how that can be different from what I want. The challenge has been to believe that He knows best, no matter the situation or what it looks or feels like to me. I have been making space for Him to be with me in the process and trusting that He cares enough about the me and the details that I care about.

I wish I could’ve reported back that my checklist was met completely, but it wasn’t. I wish that I wasn’t nervous, but I am. I wish that I felt like everything was happing smoothly, but it’s not….but still….I feel like God is orchestrating this, and trying to help me grow in the process. I am coming to grips that even though it will be an adjustment, He knows what he is doing and more importantly, he knows what we need.

We haven’t moved yet and I have a ton of unanswered questions which are all becoming irrelevant, because the reality of our move is only days away. There are things I would’ve liked to organize better and others I would’ve liked to figure out….things that are causing anxiety…but God has been covering those things. He is helping me to remember the process that this search has been and how long I’ve been wanting this very thing. He has reminded me of what I need, regardless of what I want. He has been strengthening my life with friendships that are making a difference and He has been constantly comforting me and making me feel safe.

The other night I was laying awake in bed thinking about how crazy life feels right now and Anaya began to fuss a little bit, I rolled over to listen for whether or not I would have to go into their room. As I listened for more crying I heard Jayda say “ shhhh shhhh, It’s ok, I’m here.” It made me smile and warmed my heart that she knew that was all Anaya needed. In that instant, I felt comforted and at peace. I felt like God was saying the same to me, and it was jut what I needed. Sometimes, you just need to be reminded of the simple truths.

A Confrontation

There are those odd times when I sit on the train and imagine being confronted. Usually I am reading my Bible, head phones on, in my own world….I imagine someone coming from the other car and making a statement that demands the attention of everyone on the train. I would look up and take out my earphones as I often do when something interesting seems to happen. The man would repeat his statement, something to the effect of “ Who is ready to die for this Jesus?”

The very thought of the challenge and the day dream is something that I probably fear more than is normal living in the city of New York, but still, it’s weird because I do. I always wonder how I would fess up, or what I would do before. Would it be a shy scary, “me?” or a bold stand and hope that something would go terribly wrong for this guys plan “ I am!” The biggest issue for me really is not even how I would respond but in the discomfort I feel in the confrontation. Gospel songs sing of the joy of heaven. They sing of how they cant wait…but I can…so….what does that say of me?

Never would I deny the lover of my soul and the amazing things that He has done for me…but what if I’m not ready to die? What if I am fine here, doing what I’m doing?

Ok, so I know this life is temporary and nothing…nothing can compare to being with Jesus…..but….I feel dumb for even bringing it up, because it doesn’t really matter, when you die, you die and its over….but choosing death…..It makes me wonder whether or not I really get it…..

On the flip side it makes me think of the woman that I am and the type of life that I’m currently living and often complaining about. Grumbling about what I have or don’t have while wanting to stay alive in order to enjoy it.

Makes me think about how Paul said in Philippians he didn’t think it was his time to die because of the work that he had left to do on earth. Paul was about something, his life and his actions spoke volumes about his beliefs.

I want my work, the way that I love and treat people to be something worth staying alive for.

I see myself in different lights and different situations bring out different things, but a lot of the time, I’m disgruntled. A fairly angry individual that is often more jaded than not. Some say I am mean or rude, I think over emotional…either way it is not really a good look. Others don’t see me in that light and I am probably harder on myself than I need to be, maybe not though.

The reality is that I can’t change. I can make an effort to be a nice and loving person but that doesn’t always work out to well…I know that I can try though….Some of my ways and habits are beyond and outside of me, I need God. Not in the cliché sense but in a real “I’ve tried and failed, I want to and cant and I believe that He can” type of way.

I imagine the man walking into my train car and demanding not just the whole trains attention, but mine specifically. I imagine closing me eyes and thinking about my family and the people that I love more than anything….the people I have done my best to show love to. I imagine God being happy with the way I have grown and changed and the people that I love knowing that I did my best to love them. I imagine standing up, smiling and having peace….the peace that I often feel that assures me everything will be fine…. And saying with confidence “ I am!”