Capitalizing on Fear

I went to sleep and woke up with one thing on my mind. The anxiety of this interview weighed on me. I felt like how we would represent ourselves would seal the fate of our children. It is crazy to imagine that as my oldest id only four we are trying to make strong educational choices for her future. The amazing task of parenting is that the major decisions, especially in their early childhood, fall on you.

We wanted to give an accurate picture of who we were and who she was but the task to me seemed daunting. I am not sure if it was the feeling in the room or the school itself but this seemed beyond major. Paying for school. Some parents have had their children here for two years already and they are not even in kindergarten yet. Waiting lists for the best schools starting at birth and here I am starting at four years old. It’s crazy. Crazy to think that we are behind the eight ball in comparison to some other parents. “ Yes, my daughter goes to music class, dance, tae kwon doe and we are doing a reading program on Saturdays” …..” what types of activities is your daughter involved in?” I felt oddly ashamed as I could only say “ she is in dance school and the Sunday school program at our church is dynamic and innovative” Doing all we can do for our children and somehow still feeling like we should do so much more.

“It seems like everyone capitalizes on the fear of parents.” Words said by a friend that I will not forget

The fear that we are not doing enough. Thinking about them never choosing a career or tapping into their passion. Paying for counseling sessions because you screwed them up. Buying anything electronic to keep them busy, stimulated and learning. Limited tv time. Blocks and toys galore. Workbooks. Flash cards. Discussions. Please DO NOT whine. Stop Crying.

All we want is for our children to do their best, be their best. Feeling responsible for making sure that they make the right decisions in life. Instilling values because really at the end of the day none of the other stuff really matters anyway…..I mean it does…of course it does because I’m doing it.

The fear.

All we want is what is best. To offer them the world. To make sure they don’t want for anything To ensure that they are successful. To do everything in our power to make sure that they have amazing lives.

Bearing the burden.

The other side of the reality is that it can’t be that serious…. I think we do so much because our kids are a reflection of us. Their successes and failures point back to the work we’ve done, whether accurately or not.

Makes me wonder how my life reflects Christ, or doesn’t. My students looked through the pictures on my phone and saw a Bible in the background of a pic. One girl laughed “ Why you got that…you don’t read that” It struck me as funny….on one hand, I don’t really…definitely not as much and not as consistently as I should. In the same vein it made me wonder who these kids think I really am…and who I am for real. How the decisions I am making and the path I am on point back to him. I am not sure that my life always does and as a parent, I wonder how that makes him feel…

The art of inspiration

My dashing coach Adam asked me last week what inspires me. For whatever reason that struck me as one of the hardest questions I have been asked in a long time. He said that my work seemed uninspired and that I seemed both over and underwhelmed by what I was doing. I felt like crying as his words struck a cord in me that I have been grappling with for a long time. I don’t feel like doing my job all the time and I have been trying to find meaning in my work…..but really I just want to get back, or get started…I’m having a hard time though. I figured the question that seemed to cut and probe me so deeply was as good a way to start as any.

My first response or feeling is…I don’t know. I don’t know where I get inspiration from and how to apply it to the things that I feel uninspired by.

I guess I feel like what inspires me is silly.

I am inspired by people who are living their lives passionately. The individual who knows what they love and is in pursuit of it, gives me energy.

I am inspired by the change process. How an individual commits to change and grow as a result of it.

The mere sound of stepping inspires me. It makes me want to reach for goals that I have and get better at the craft I love.

My husband inspires me. His drive and commitment to excellence makes me want to do better. His willingness to stay up late and wake up early to be the best that he can be inspires me. His commitment to growth and change inspires me.

My girls inspire me. Their creative process as they grow pushes me to do better so I can be the best example for them.

As I have been dealing with my students and trying to think about how to work with them more effectively, I have been inspired. Inspired to make sure I am a quality dance teacher and that I am focused and energized when I interact with them. Watching my students go through the normal process of learning a step and working hard to understand and master the hard parts has inspired me.

There is a beauty in the process….it’s funny because that is what I feel like God has been saying to me. I don’t always appreciate where I am. I think more about where I want to be, but there is such a beauty in the process, I am trying to take the time to appreciate and be inspired by it.