Living now at 31

As I sit here and count down the days till my birthday, I am conflicted.  I have it all, and I still want more.  I stand in the place between great satisfaction and missed opportunity.  From different angles it feels like I am accomplished…but then, there is that place….

That place in my heart that wants more.  A dissatisfaction that sometimes consumes and cripples me.  An envy that is nothing short of ridiculous.  A jealousy spawned by Facebook updates, filtered Instagram snapshots and 140 characters on twitter that make me focus on my lack rather than the bounty that is my life. 

Can you relate?

I have pumped myself up, spoken truth, listened to truth, made lists, checked things off…but at times….still….

My heart feels heavy. 

Conflicted

as I try to make sense of what may be an unjustified pre mid-life crisis.  I count my blessings, and they are plentiful….but I dream….

Crazy dreams.

More outlandish than four kids in New york city, rocking a runway for Paris Fashion week and being on Family Feud. 

I dream of

Dance revolutions

Community revitalization

Passionate Purposeful lives

Connections amongst strangers                       and

Dramatic and transformative life change

I seem to dream of picket fences in concrete jungles

Abundant resources

Heaven here and now

 I have complained and I have pushed through. 

I have been encouraged and discouraged in the same hour. 

I have heard and spoken words of affirmation…….but……..

what I am really trying to practice is His presence and being present. 

Being content with my life and the joy and discomfort that I may feel.

There are a million things on my mind and rarely a quiet moment in my head or in my home. There are a number of things to be happy or upset about in this moment, but right now, all I have is this moment. 

It is hard to stop myself and breathe into the present and appreciate what I have and what I want, but I have to at least take joy in the moment. 

I can plan, I can read, write, meet, practice, grind, and I will….but…..really… It doesn’t matter.

If I can sit in this moment and accept that God is here, right now, wherever I am…HERE with me.  Then nothing else matters. 

Screaming kids

Lack of gigs

Traffic

Shortage of time

Missed train

Gas prices

Burning calves

Whatever it is, the only thing that matters is the moment and how I am breathing into it and allowing God to be with me in it. 

As I turn the corner to arrive at 31.  As I get disgruntled about what I don’t have and what I wish you didn’t have, or what I had gotten first….I am letting that go.  I am letting go the focus on anything but right now.  My hope is for this moment.  My hope is to live and experience right now and to know that the picture of my life is so much bigger than I can imagine.  My goal is to not glorify any situation, but to live in God in this moment.

That I would live this moment it in all its fullness and bring you into it with me.

As I inhale and exhale deeply and pound away at my keyboard. As I listen to the wind in the trees and the quiet hum of my computer, birds chirping, busses on the street, I have become alive in this moment.

And being alive in this moment is what will have to matter…because it’s all that really does.