Surprised by love

The orchestration of this moment could only be God, because everything fit together just right.

I spoke to my sister on the phone and what she said about me made me laugh.

“Is it rainy there?”

“yea” I said

“Cause you sound like the weather…dreary”

We both laughed and I tried to explain to her that I did indeed, unexplainably feel like the weather.  Overcast.  There was just a cloud over me.  It wasn’t circumstantial, just there…hanging. 

I chalked it up to pre birthday blues.  I just didn’t feel like I had the energy for much.

On that same night I expressed to my small group during our check in that I felt “meh”…just meh….nothing was going bad, but my life didn’t feel big or juicy or anything really, just coasting.

I expressed a desire to have a God encounter.  To be flooded and overflow.  For my life to feel full. Be full.

The celebrations started….

Wednesday

We went out to dinner with dear friends and I left feeling more alive and able to pursue life.  I felt empowered, like the cloud I had felt before, was beginning to disperse.

Thursday

Khalid and I went on a date, made possible by another dear friend.

Can I just pause and say that friends are key?!?! I have NO idea where I would be without my community.

We talked and dreamed and I began to feel hopeful. 

Wait, I need to pause again and talk about my husband. Without sounding or being blasphemous, I have to say that he is the truth.  He just sees me.  He sees me fully and loves me.  I feel Gods love for me through him.  The way that he lives his life makes be want to live bigger, and more disciplined.  He lives in the most sacrificial, caring, powerful and humble way that I imagine is what Christ wants of us.  Having someone so close to me who partners with God to reflect His love and truth, as well as areas of growth for me, is an unimaginable blessing that is unparalleled. My husband trumps everyone.

Friday

It was my 32^nd birthday and I threw myself a party…writing that feels so strange in light of the rest of the weekend. Friends came from the outer worlds like Brooklyn and Queens.  Some lied and said they couldn’t come and then showed up. I felt blessed by the outpouring of love and peoples presence.  I danced, talked and had fun.  Khalid put together a book of shoutouts for me that was sweet and beautiful…and thick! I read half of the amazing words that people wrote and then finished on

Saturday

I finished reading and was speechless. I felt known.  My friends identified things about me that I wouldn’t have readily picked out as descriptors of my character.  I was moved by and thankful for the vastness of my community and their ability to see me.

Later Saturday

I got ready for a fancy date with one of my besties.  Super excited and feeling extra special I headed to meet her.  We had fun- ate hot dogs, got our nails done, window shopped, had cocktails at a speak easy lounge and then took a cab ride to what would be the surprise of a lifetime.

I am a pretty suspicious person, but this was not on my radar.  Even if I had thought that a surprise party could happen, I wouldn’t entertain it….I was full already.

As the door opened and I saw so many people that make up my community,

I was surprised by love. 

All at once light burst forth and I was blinded.  Overcome by the reality of His great love for me in the expression of you.  You represented for me something much bigger than who you are.  You represented life and love for me in a place that was dark.  There had been candles, flickering flames in the darkness of my soul but your collective presence brought a radiant light and warmth. 

I didn’t know that I was standing in a dark room.  I didn’t know that the presence of God could flood a place from the expression of people in it.  My heart had been broken and the space I was in, filled with lies.

It’s funny when you know that you believe a lie.  I have believed that I was not good enough to be loved.  That I liked and loved people more than they did me.  That I had no true friends, but was only tolerable.  Even when the truth was before me, it was explained away by circumstance.  The lie was pervasive and saddening.  It felt like something I would just have to live with.  Something that I would know in my head was untrue but would be my constant pain to bear.  

But truth wins.

Using the opportunity of celebration, God stepped in to create a moment for my freedom.  The dark space filled with lies was flooded with light.  The brokenness felt mended in an instant.  I went from shocked that this could happen, to being overwhelmed. Tears flowed in the most undignified uncontrollable fashion as my friends swarmed or stood awkwardly trying to figure out exactly what was going on.  I felt dramatic but could not stop myself from weeping.  I felt seen, known, overwhelmed and surprised by love.

Your presence, words, sacrifice of time, support and love culminated in a God moment for me that has changed me in a profoundly deep way.  The way that I identified with those lies now feels foreign. And now I feel full to overflowing.  I feel alive and big and loved and only joy.  Really nothing has changed much besides being faced with the reality of a great love for me, and I guess really, that changes everything.