Navigating Solitude

It seems like an oxymoron now that I think about it.

That my fear of being alone would keep me from this meeting, keeps me from this meeting because it’s a standing one. I know where but it seems like as of late I rarely show up, it pains me.

Something about the quiet and the hope that I would hear something, anything. His voice…I know it well but I still battle

“ did I make that up?”
“am I crazy?”

Feeling like the quiet breeds craziness as I wait….Knowing that He will show up and speak but still I fear.

I can’t adequately articulate my struggle and for each one the fear of walking through the process of solitude is different.

“ There are no real good men left and he has everything I want but..”
“chivalry is dead so I’ll take what I can get”
“ I mean, I guess I’ve never really been single”

Most of our struggle with solitude presents the same way and we fill it, not just with him or her but with this and that.

Lights dimmed I took my seat. Turned off the tv and my computer. Made sure my mind was quiet and my music was low, house empty.

I sat and sang

Not sure of what I wanted to say to him but I began to speak.

Words flowed out of me and in the pit of my stomach I felt a yearning.

As if he felt the yearning the room was flooded with his presence as he showed up

Not sure of what the silence would bring but I tested it. Sat there to see what would happen. Wondering if I was alone…really alone with my thoughts would I implode or some other far out fantasy or nightmare about what might happen in the space.

The space we find hard to navigate, better with a guide or a shepherd but I cant see him, so sometimes even though He’s there I feel lost and lonely. So I do what I can to cope with the space and the journey.

Fighting against the desire to miss our meeting and when I do, making promises that I wont again, it’s a process.

Not comfortable with it yet but my standards and hearts desire keep me coming back and hold me to something greater than the temporary… because essentially even though navigating the solitude, the quiet, the whatever is difficult, I want more and I know you do too.