I'll take that

It has been a while…A while since I felt like I could, felt empowered, or like I could really really see…but as she spoke, I was reminded.

Reminded that I can, that it’s all possible, because all too often I don’t really feel like that’s the truth.

I get so scared and begin to engage in negative talk….

“Five minutes, hold your arms up for five minutes”

“YEA RIGHT! I am SO straight and I already know that will be painful and impossible”

I hadn’t even begun but already I was convinced that I was not able, that I had to quit before trying because the idea of trying and failing is beyond me…

So I quit before I began….but she wouldn’t really let me….we began and although she told me to quiet my mind and pay attention to what was going on for me I had to talk….
Negative talk.

“ I can’t do this”
“Five minutes is entirely too long”
“This is crazy”

And then the pain began and I realized that I had to push, because now, two minutes in, quitting, failure was no longer an option.

The literal physical pain I was in from the weight of my arms made me keep pushing, quiet my mind and begin to speak differently

“ I can do this”
“ This will be over soon”
“There is gonna be pain if I’m going to do anything worth while”

Something about feeling the pain and the weight made me realize the importance of the task. It made me think about the bigger things that im facing and the pain they often cause.

In talking about the process I realized that I play the negative talk game all the time. Afraid that someone will find me out to be a fake, that I really don’t know what I’m doing or that my dreams were just too big for my britches.

But I can’t, can’t play that game anymore because in playing it, I’m stagnant and I can’t talk about it if I’m not gonna be about it.

But still I go back and forth and it’s hard.

In spite of my feelings, insecurities and desires, all I can think to say is “I’ll take that”

I’ll take it all:
The pain
The positive words
The call
The fear
The support
The disbelief
The hard times
The good times
The process

Because whether I always want to or not. Whether or not I feel like I can. It has to be done, and I feel like it has to be me….