Overwhelmed by my lack

As I sat and sized everyone else up, I realized that I had become overwhelmed by my lack.
Success and happiness are by no means measured by income, but still I want more... We have enough to live, but hardly enough to save and the decisions that we have made for our growth have left us paying the equivalent of our rent in student loans....

I wish someone had really warned me about the clutches of Sallie or that getting a Masters gets you much more than the experience, marketability and a huge diploma…but I digress.

The grass is always greener on the other side and the woman with a house might look at me and wish, while I dream of having what she has....

A wonderful husband
Beautiful girls
A great community
Work that I love
I lost an appreciation for what I had because I was looking at what you had. Staring and drooling because it wasn’t mine. My focus was skewed and I was unable to see the good in my situation because as I stared at yours, mine became blurry.

I lost sight of why I do things. Lost the meaning and the feeling of the beauty of the process and my current situation because I was caught up in a result.
A dream…a resolution of work that offered something better…nothing too lofty

Can my loans be forgiven?
Can I be closer to work or my church community?
Can I live closer to my friends?
Can we gig a little more?

The yearning blinded me. All I could see was my need for dollars as I tried to make sense of my situation….
A boat load of debt
Living in an area where we do nothing and are close to no one
Talent unused because of countless factors
but there was something much deeper at work.

All the faith I had for the future could not stand a chance against what I chose to look at. Instead of looking at myself or what I had, or even my God…I looked at you.

I became overwhelmed and enamored with my lack and your possessions. Bitter because of what you had that I didn’t. Didn’t allow God to comfort me because I was looking elsewhere and therefore headed elsewhere.

Gods charge for me to hide in Him and focus on him didn’t become real until I realized the affect of the opposite.

As I devalued what I had, I took my blessings for granted and was not able to appreciate my situation now.

I can’t say that I am there or that I've figured it out…that sometimes I don’t feel disgruntled or restless..but choosing what to look at, what to focus on has helped me to realize that really, I lack nothing.