Fuller

I have been nervous to restart. I have wanted to post, wanted to write, wanted to do something, anything, but I’ve been nervous….here goes my first move.

I often sit and wonder if I am just running. If this path that I have chosen is just a way to mask my fear of failing. Everyday I try to figure out why I haven’t done something different yet. My life is the fullest and the emptiest it has ever been. Empty in the sense that I am not doing the things that I am passionate about, like performing, coaching and writing. Not is the overwhelming way that it originally sounded like. I have everything that I could ask for: a loving husband, three amazing kids, loving family, the freshest friends, job tied to my passion….I could continue to name things, but I’m sure you get the point. Still with everything good I have, I’ve been feeling like I need more .

There are a number of tasks and goals that I am reminded of that I am not doing anything to reach. The fear of not reaching them makes me want to work. The reality that it would make me feel better makes me want to do something. I know I can use the few minutes that I have free. But still I don’t. Innovative ideas cross my mind and the fear of drowning squashes them. I feel like screaming as I write because I know I have to do something. So this is the first step in my change commitment.

Because even though I have a full life, I need it to be fuller.

Having a family could be and is enough, but still I want more and I think that is ok. Yes, I can say that I am doing enough because I am balancing what is immediately in front of me, but I do not just want to balance what I see, I want to attain what I don’t see. I want all my fantasies and wishes to come true want to see a change in my life. I want to walk in my purpose and live out my passion even if it takes every ounce of me, because although I am living now, I am not doing so fully. So I commit to run.. Not away from what I feel is too hard for me, or too scary, but towards my dream to make it my reality.

I am thankful that I am not alone on this journey. I am thankful that I can fail, and that will be ok. I am thankful that there are others jut like me who dream big but may be nervous, but refuse to give up on the beauty of their dreams.

I am not sure that I will make it. I am not sure that I will be as successful as I hope or as good as I may need to be. I AM sure though that if I don’t try I will never know what I can do, or what God wants to do through me.

It’s easy to tell other people to jump into the deep end. Now it’s time for me to.

I wish I could say that I wasn’t scared, or that I have it all figured out. I don’t. Even still, I am choosing to do something, because doing something is way better than thinking about doing something, and that’s what I’ve been doing. No more….join me