It was just a regular Tuesday, but these spots of blood began to hint at how my life story would change. I never thought that it would happen to me. Not in an over confident or cocky way, just in the sense that I felt like the odds were in my favor. Everything seemed to line up and was happening just as we had hoped. It took longer to get to this place this time. We had tried for months, which for us seemed like forever.
When we found out that you were coming, it meant everything to us. The completion of our family unit and the beginning of a new phase of life. New life. We kept you our secret for a while, not knowing how people would react, we protected the joy that you brought.
I would have never thought that it happened like that or would feel like this. The life that was inside of me that had bubbled up and spilled over to a joy in our family now fell out of me. Unlike I had experienced it being told before. For everyone it is different, but for me…..I don’t know
I got up because I had to be somewhere, my stomach hurting.
Before this I had no warning of your way too early arrival. I can’t remember what I was thinking or if I even had time to think between laying down and standing up and feeling you drop out of me. I looked down and will never forget the image.
It was like something out of a poorly done film and I imagine that I froze in that moment as I was overcome with the grief and reality of death.
Your protective world a sphere that was to stay lodged inside of my body so that I could keep you safe, now laying in a piece of cloth. A perfect grayish translucent ball housed you. I wasn’t supposed to see you yet. You were not supposed to come. You were still being formed, still being put together and I couldn’t have imagined having to see your pea-sized body.
Nothing could have prepared me for this. The pictures that I have seen on baby center now in real life.
The grief is overwhelming. I was supposed to be pregnant. Not now going through the emotional turmoil that I feel and no baby. My life story now has this death woven into it. So many people face it and people try to sympathize, but to go through it…my God.
I have joy and I have hope and thank God I have peace and still there is so much pain. So much grief and confusion. Fear and questions about the future. Thoughts of guilt and shame and “how could I have changed this” and “ what are they thinking of me now.” I would wish this upon no one.
What could I have done?
How could I have protected myself better
How could I have protected you?
Do I take off work?
Do I need a couple days to grieve? A couple weeks?
Even with the knowledge that I could have done nothing, it still has the ability to change everything. It has made me want to reevaluate what I want and what I believe. How I'm viewed and how I make decisions. My husband said " It is in these times that you see what you are really made of", I agree.
I feel like I have never heard of this. Like this is a new discovery of an old pain that is familiar to everyone but only unique to some. There is death and grief associated with that moment for me. I am having highs and lows trying to deal with this thing that has changed the dynamics of my family.
I feel such deep pain and sorrow over my loss. I am now a part of a group that I always had confidence I would not join. I can now identify and with those who have lost and long for more.
I have wondered why this happened.
Why this happens.
I have no answers. I know that I felt like my life fell apart and that I needed and need more than just time to heal my wounds. I know that my life is being pieced back together and a beautiful story is being written.
It was only six weeks ago that you entered my life, six days ago that I saw you. My life will never be the same.
4.16.2012
3.01.2012
That day
There was sawdust flying, banging and students talking. I was in the midst of it trying to convince him to do something he refused to……
It almost feels like we buried our dad today. The feeling in the courtroom was eerie and emotional. There were too many of us to fit in one row, we spilled out into the next. Our father was a stones throw away but we couldn’t be near him.
One by one we painted pictures with our words trying to show a larger picture of who our father is.
We all said similar things:
Supportive
Kind
Loving
Challenging
It was as if something was being stripped away to reveal the emotions we were hiding as we took the stand to testify. We had never spoken about how we were feeling.
We cried, hugged, laughed, reminisced, hoped…
Hoped that everything we had to say would make the judge be merciful.
Hoped that our father would be allowed to say goodbye. But he wasn’t.
As long as this has been unfolding, we have not really spoken about it. We have carried on with a quiet confidence and maybe a skewed reality. I hadn’t emotionally connected with what was happening to our family. Today, our fears met our realities and our father was sent to jail.
Just six hours later and I was sitting with my brother watching him create. As he filed wood and made plans I couldn’t help but think about what had just happened to us. We sat in a crowded room and carried on business as usual and no one had a clue.
He wouldn’t tell anyone.
Wouldn’t ask for an extension on the project that he was working on.
Would not stop or let any one in…
I think about how many of us are carrying around deaths or symbolic burials each day. How we carry on, doing all we can to hold it together because life must go on.
I think about the difference community makes. How important it is to share our pain and the things that occupy our minds. Not surprising to me that God desires for us to be in relationship with others.
It is beyond necessary to be there, cry with, pray for, love, support and reach out.
My sister said that it felt like our arms just weren’t long enough to reach our dad. I am thankful for the arms that were long enough to reach me…. and hopeful that mine will be long enough to reach you.
It almost feels like we buried our dad today. The feeling in the courtroom was eerie and emotional. There were too many of us to fit in one row, we spilled out into the next. Our father was a stones throw away but we couldn’t be near him.
One by one we painted pictures with our words trying to show a larger picture of who our father is.
We all said similar things:
Supportive
Kind
Loving
Challenging
It was as if something was being stripped away to reveal the emotions we were hiding as we took the stand to testify. We had never spoken about how we were feeling.
We cried, hugged, laughed, reminisced, hoped…
Hoped that everything we had to say would make the judge be merciful.
Hoped that our father would be allowed to say goodbye. But he wasn’t.
As long as this has been unfolding, we have not really spoken about it. We have carried on with a quiet confidence and maybe a skewed reality. I hadn’t emotionally connected with what was happening to our family. Today, our fears met our realities and our father was sent to jail.
Just six hours later and I was sitting with my brother watching him create. As he filed wood and made plans I couldn’t help but think about what had just happened to us. We sat in a crowded room and carried on business as usual and no one had a clue.
He wouldn’t tell anyone.
Wouldn’t ask for an extension on the project that he was working on.
Would not stop or let any one in…
I think about how many of us are carrying around deaths or symbolic burials each day. How we carry on, doing all we can to hold it together because life must go on.
I think about the difference community makes. How important it is to share our pain and the things that occupy our minds. Not surprising to me that God desires for us to be in relationship with others.
It is beyond necessary to be there, cry with, pray for, love, support and reach out.
My sister said that it felt like our arms just weren’t long enough to reach our dad. I am thankful for the arms that were long enough to reach me…. and hopeful that mine will be long enough to reach you.
2.07.2012
You’re welcome. I love you. I like your room.
The simplicity of these words almost moved me to tears. There was a sincere look of joy on her face that was matched by the feeling in my heart.
Whether she made it up or actually heard those words, they were just the beginning.
There are rules and rituals, and for me always the hope of instilling in them what I have found.
Is it in saying grace before meals? The Lords prayer before bed? Church on Sunday? Or just the way we live?
Raising your children doesn’t come with a manual. Raising them to have the same faith is daunting.
How can I make sure that they develop relationship over religion and something that is lasting over disdain for rituals and Sunday routines.
Our Father in heaven,
Reveal who you are.
Set the world right;
Do what's best— as above, so below.
Keep us alive with three square meals.
Keep us forgiven with you and forgiving others. Keep us safe from ourselves and the Devil.
You're in charge!
You can do anything you want!
You're ablaze in beauty!
They are not the traditional words of the Lords prayer but I thought it would be a nice balance between the words we are used to and some that may hold more weight with our children.
So every night they say those words. Words that they can relate with and understand.
Today was already crazy, I couldn’t even begin to tell you but still I felt the need to take the time to listen.
We thanked God, they listed simple things
Puzzles
Toys
Butterflies
Protection
The sweet thoughtfulness of their list made me smile.
I challenged them to listen to see if God would say anything in response.
Anaya giggled, Jayda grinned
The response was simple and sweet
“You’re welcome. I love you. I like your room.”
Those words were everything to me and ministered to me maybe more than they did to her. She smiled. Said that it made her happy that He said those words to her.
In those words I heard. “ I hear you. I care for you. I care about you.”
I hope they are the beginning in the development of a sensitivity to His voice. For me, they meant the world.
Whether she made it up or actually heard those words, they were just the beginning.
There are rules and rituals, and for me always the hope of instilling in them what I have found.
Is it in saying grace before meals? The Lords prayer before bed? Church on Sunday? Or just the way we live?
Raising your children doesn’t come with a manual. Raising them to have the same faith is daunting.
How can I make sure that they develop relationship over religion and something that is lasting over disdain for rituals and Sunday routines.
Our Father in heaven,
Reveal who you are.
Set the world right;
Do what's best— as above, so below.
Keep us alive with three square meals.
Keep us forgiven with you and forgiving others. Keep us safe from ourselves and the Devil.
You're in charge!
You can do anything you want!
You're ablaze in beauty!
They are not the traditional words of the Lords prayer but I thought it would be a nice balance between the words we are used to and some that may hold more weight with our children.
So every night they say those words. Words that they can relate with and understand.
Today was already crazy, I couldn’t even begin to tell you but still I felt the need to take the time to listen.
We thanked God, they listed simple things
Puzzles
Toys
Butterflies
Protection
The sweet thoughtfulness of their list made me smile.
I challenged them to listen to see if God would say anything in response.
Anaya giggled, Jayda grinned
The response was simple and sweet
“You’re welcome. I love you. I like your room.”
Those words were everything to me and ministered to me maybe more than they did to her. She smiled. Said that it made her happy that He said those words to her.
In those words I heard. “ I hear you. I care for you. I care about you.”
I hope they are the beginning in the development of a sensitivity to His voice. For me, they meant the world.
1.31.2012
My life in Christ
One of my biggest fears is that my life would not tell of the relationship I have with Christ. That I will get swept up in a church talk, non Bible reading lifestyle and speak of days of old. That I wouldn’t have any fresh experiences with Him to draw from.
I fear that I reminisce too much and don’t dig into Him enough.
I know enough about Him, have experienced Him enough to not leave. To know that He is the only answer, that He is the answer. Spent enough time with Him to know that when He breaks in it means everything. There is no turning back for me, no changing my mind, no doubt.
But I wonder
If my life is full of living in a way that doesn’t not look like Him rather than a life that is bursting with fullness from my relationship with Him.
I wonder
If my children will see my love for Him as I feel or experience or know it. If the stripping away of my religiosity will leave them feeling like we “just go to church”
I wonder
If the people that I work with would be surprised, shocked or in disbelief that I am a Christian and whether or not that would be a bad thing. Would they not be able to see Christ in me or surprised that Christ could look so good. You know what I mean?
I wonder
If my friends feel the same way
If the way that I talk about Him and think about him could substitute time spent with Him or reading about Him.
I want
To find the balance between the memorization, perfect church attendance and a life devoid of the “big sins” and where I seem to be now.
I want
To wake up in the morning and spend my first with him on a consistent basis. To be fed and rejuvenated by him. To acknowledge him in every situation and interaction.
I want
To have the fire I had when I first met him collide with the deep love and passion I have for Him and the knowledge I need of Him.
I want
To put what I hear into practice. To know what scripture to read and be filled by it. To not fall off the horse but to be consistent.
I want to be a mirror of His love. To experience his changing power on a continual basis.
I don’t want to live a certain way in my head that doesn’t match up with reality. I don’t want to think my life is a pretty reflection when really it is just a blurry picture. I want my mental convictions to match up with my experience and actions.
As of now, I am working on my relationship.
I fear that I reminisce too much and don’t dig into Him enough.
I know enough about Him, have experienced Him enough to not leave. To know that He is the only answer, that He is the answer. Spent enough time with Him to know that when He breaks in it means everything. There is no turning back for me, no changing my mind, no doubt.
But I wonder
If my life is full of living in a way that doesn’t not look like Him rather than a life that is bursting with fullness from my relationship with Him.
I wonder
If my children will see my love for Him as I feel or experience or know it. If the stripping away of my religiosity will leave them feeling like we “just go to church”
I wonder
If the people that I work with would be surprised, shocked or in disbelief that I am a Christian and whether or not that would be a bad thing. Would they not be able to see Christ in me or surprised that Christ could look so good. You know what I mean?
I wonder
If my friends feel the same way
If the way that I talk about Him and think about him could substitute time spent with Him or reading about Him.
I want
To find the balance between the memorization, perfect church attendance and a life devoid of the “big sins” and where I seem to be now.
I want
To wake up in the morning and spend my first with him on a consistent basis. To be fed and rejuvenated by him. To acknowledge him in every situation and interaction.
I want
To have the fire I had when I first met him collide with the deep love and passion I have for Him and the knowledge I need of Him.
I want
To put what I hear into practice. To know what scripture to read and be filled by it. To not fall off the horse but to be consistent.
I want to be a mirror of His love. To experience his changing power on a continual basis.
I don’t want to live a certain way in my head that doesn’t match up with reality. I don’t want to think my life is a pretty reflection when really it is just a blurry picture. I want my mental convictions to match up with my experience and actions.
As of now, I am working on my relationship.
1.23.2012
Holding my tongue
I have tried to hold my tongue and keep my cool. I have tried to be different than the others that you interact with because I feel like you need it. Need someone to respect and understand you. You need someone to model for you what it means to take responsibility. To own up to mistakes and apologize when they are wrong.
I have tried to walk the line between teacher and guide. To give you the time and room to see yourself. To be a mirror of reality and who you are. To show you that it is not easy growing up, but it is very intentional work.
I have lost my cool. I have said things out of my weakness and frustration. I have been angry.
I have watched you grow. Seen things in you that others have not. Taken joy in the way that you think before you speak….sometimes.
I have tried to be light and love to you. I have tried to be Christ to you, show Christ to you without saying it. I have tried to be different.
Taking my time and being thoughtful about how I deal with you. Not because I want to be your friend but because I think you need a model of responsibility.
I have
Reached the end of my rope. Given all I have to give, and held it in for too long. Been ridiculed by you and judged by some who could make the same choices as me but choose not to, and that’s ok.
It seems that we don’t get enough. Not enough money. Not enough respect. Not enough time. Not enough preps. Making personal investments in their lives and hoping for a return. Hoping that the negative things they say and the attitudes they give won’t be the only thing we receive. Either way, we’ll do it. Keep coming, keep teaching, keep loving.
For more reasons than one.
I believe that they can change. That they want to change. They need someone to support them and walk them through the process.
I love my art.
I love to teach my art.
I have the responsibility of showing Christ to these kids, being Christ to these kids and I guess that is the main thing that keeps me going. Even though they may never know why. It’s important to me that if they ever do find out, my actions will be consistent with that reality.
For that reason, I will hold my tongue and keep my cool.
I have tried to walk the line between teacher and guide. To give you the time and room to see yourself. To be a mirror of reality and who you are. To show you that it is not easy growing up, but it is very intentional work.
I have lost my cool. I have said things out of my weakness and frustration. I have been angry.
I have watched you grow. Seen things in you that others have not. Taken joy in the way that you think before you speak….sometimes.
I have tried to be light and love to you. I have tried to be Christ to you, show Christ to you without saying it. I have tried to be different.
Taking my time and being thoughtful about how I deal with you. Not because I want to be your friend but because I think you need a model of responsibility.
I have
Reached the end of my rope. Given all I have to give, and held it in for too long. Been ridiculed by you and judged by some who could make the same choices as me but choose not to, and that’s ok.
It seems that we don’t get enough. Not enough money. Not enough respect. Not enough time. Not enough preps. Making personal investments in their lives and hoping for a return. Hoping that the negative things they say and the attitudes they give won’t be the only thing we receive. Either way, we’ll do it. Keep coming, keep teaching, keep loving.
For more reasons than one.
I believe that they can change. That they want to change. They need someone to support them and walk them through the process.
I love my art.
I love to teach my art.
I have the responsibility of showing Christ to these kids, being Christ to these kids and I guess that is the main thing that keeps me going. Even though they may never know why. It’s important to me that if they ever do find out, my actions will be consistent with that reality.
For that reason, I will hold my tongue and keep my cool.
1.17.2012
I needed that
Last week I had an encounter with God....simple and powerful...these were my ramblings and what I felt like He said to me
I am constantly moved by your love for me. In the midst of everything that is going on. While I’m trying to find balance and live a life that is passionate and purposeful I am confident that you love me and you are there for me. I am moved by your love for me.
It happens every once and a while where I am reminded of your love and the power you have to change my life. You are great and amazing
I wanted you to feel my love today. I know that you needed it.
You are already who you are meant to be.
As you understand more about yourself you will grow more, but you are already who I want you to be.
Everything you are to be is already in you.
You are not changing who you are, just in the process of revealing more of who you are.
Trust me as I draw these things out of you.
It is amazing to me that a voice I can not hear or justify could change everything for me. His voice brings me comfort when I didn’t know that I needed it. When I am not even sure of the things that are going on inside of me or the change process that I am going through to become more of who He wants me to be.
There are so many things on my mind. SO much that I want to do and am in the process of doing. I wish I could adequately express the reality that He is everything. There are times when He seems to break into my life and bring everything. He eases everything and makes everything good. He has the power to change my situation without anything changing, To bring perspective when I didn’t know that I was seeing things the wrong way. Its almost like I didn’t know what I was missing until my reality collided with His love and everything changed. I needed that. I need Him..….
You need Him. You may not know it. You may not agree with the religion or the doctrine, but when you encounter Him, it will all make sense.
His love changes everything.
He has pursued me. Chased me down and lavished his love on me that has changed me.
I am constantly moved by your love for me. In the midst of everything that is going on. While I’m trying to find balance and live a life that is passionate and purposeful I am confident that you love me and you are there for me. I am moved by your love for me.
It happens every once and a while where I am reminded of your love and the power you have to change my life. You are great and amazing
I wanted you to feel my love today. I know that you needed it.
You are already who you are meant to be.
As you understand more about yourself you will grow more, but you are already who I want you to be.
Everything you are to be is already in you.
You are not changing who you are, just in the process of revealing more of who you are.
Trust me as I draw these things out of you.
It is amazing to me that a voice I can not hear or justify could change everything for me. His voice brings me comfort when I didn’t know that I needed it. When I am not even sure of the things that are going on inside of me or the change process that I am going through to become more of who He wants me to be.
There are so many things on my mind. SO much that I want to do and am in the process of doing. I wish I could adequately express the reality that He is everything. There are times when He seems to break into my life and bring everything. He eases everything and makes everything good. He has the power to change my situation without anything changing, To bring perspective when I didn’t know that I was seeing things the wrong way. Its almost like I didn’t know what I was missing until my reality collided with His love and everything changed. I needed that. I need Him..….
You need Him. You may not know it. You may not agree with the religion or the doctrine, but when you encounter Him, it will all make sense.
His love changes everything.
He has pursued me. Chased me down and lavished his love on me that has changed me.
1.10.2012
I wish
I wish
I had more compassion.
As I pass you on the platform with your head hung low, some sort of fluid by your feet. The skin of your back showing, you look like you’re in pain. I want to stop and inquire, but I cant.
I wish
I had more time.
Because right now I am on my way somewhere. I am always on my way somewhere really. I don’t have it in me to stop or be late. Essentially “ I have more important things to do” I am sure you won’t be here when I return though. There are parts of me that want to be spontaneous. Forget about what I have to do in the next ten minutes and tend to you, but….
I wish
I could stomach the stench.
Because where you have been and your state of living has left a foul one. Unbearable to me and most others that occupy this shared space. But really it’s not your fault because where are you supposed to shower or how are you supposed to take care of yourself? I imagine sitting down and being so jarred by the smell you wear that my response would do more harm than good. I imagine my good intentions coming off poorly as I gag or make a face.
I wish
I was kinder. That I could come down to your level.
I wish
I had more to give. Seems like a silly wish now, because I am sure you have the same wish. I feel like I don’t have enough and you really DON’T have enough. Without the means to buy food or shelter. My wish must really be an insult. I get mad too. Feeling like people who have more than me can’t understand my needs and here I am doing the same to you. I could give more. I could probably start with giving something at all.
Because I don’t. I don’t stop, or give, or pray. I think for a little, blog a little and keep it moving.
While you sit on a bench in the subway hunched over. While you dig in trash cans looking for a meal. While you humble yourself to ask for money.
I wish
That I will do more than wish and ride on the fumes of my last “community service”. That I will make time in my schedule to get over myself and see someone else. That I would take the time to stop and care. That I would do more than just think and write…..
Hold me to it.
I had more compassion.
As I pass you on the platform with your head hung low, some sort of fluid by your feet. The skin of your back showing, you look like you’re in pain. I want to stop and inquire, but I cant.
I wish
I had more time.
Because right now I am on my way somewhere. I am always on my way somewhere really. I don’t have it in me to stop or be late. Essentially “ I have more important things to do” I am sure you won’t be here when I return though. There are parts of me that want to be spontaneous. Forget about what I have to do in the next ten minutes and tend to you, but….
I wish
I could stomach the stench.
Because where you have been and your state of living has left a foul one. Unbearable to me and most others that occupy this shared space. But really it’s not your fault because where are you supposed to shower or how are you supposed to take care of yourself? I imagine sitting down and being so jarred by the smell you wear that my response would do more harm than good. I imagine my good intentions coming off poorly as I gag or make a face.
I wish
I was kinder. That I could come down to your level.
I wish
I had more to give. Seems like a silly wish now, because I am sure you have the same wish. I feel like I don’t have enough and you really DON’T have enough. Without the means to buy food or shelter. My wish must really be an insult. I get mad too. Feeling like people who have more than me can’t understand my needs and here I am doing the same to you. I could give more. I could probably start with giving something at all.
Because I don’t. I don’t stop, or give, or pray. I think for a little, blog a little and keep it moving.
While you sit on a bench in the subway hunched over. While you dig in trash cans looking for a meal. While you humble yourself to ask for money.
I wish
That I will do more than wish and ride on the fumes of my last “community service”. That I will make time in my schedule to get over myself and see someone else. That I would take the time to stop and care. That I would do more than just think and write…..
Hold me to it.
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