Holding my tongue

I have tried to hold my tongue and keep my cool. I have tried to be different than the others that you interact with because I feel like you need it. Need someone to respect and understand you. You need someone to model for you what it means to take responsibility. To own up to mistakes and apologize when they are wrong.

I have tried to walk the line between teacher and guide. To give you the time and room to see yourself. To be a mirror of reality and who you are. To show you that it is not easy growing up, but it is very intentional work.

I have lost my cool. I have said things out of my weakness and frustration. I have been angry.

I have watched you grow. Seen things in you that others have not. Taken joy in the way that you think before you speak….sometimes.

I have tried to be light and love to you. I have tried to be Christ to you, show Christ to you without saying it. I have tried to be different.
Taking my time and being thoughtful about how I deal with you. Not because I want to be your friend but because I think you need a model of responsibility.

I have
Reached the end of my rope. Given all I have to give, and held it in for too long. Been ridiculed by you and judged by some who could make the same choices as me but choose not to, and that’s ok.

It seems that we don’t get enough. Not enough money. Not enough respect. Not enough time. Not enough preps. Making personal investments in their lives and hoping for a return. Hoping that the negative things they say and the attitudes they give won’t be the only thing we receive. Either way, we’ll do it. Keep coming, keep teaching, keep loving.

For more reasons than one.
I believe that they can change. That they want to change. They need someone to support them and walk them through the process.

I love my art.
I love to teach my art.

I have the responsibility of showing Christ to these kids, being Christ to these kids and I guess that is the main thing that keeps me going. Even though they may never know why. It’s important to me that if they ever do find out, my actions will be consistent with that reality.

For that reason, I will hold my tongue and keep my cool.