I imagine silence

* I wrote this piece for some friends who experienced a deep loss. I hoped that this would speak to them and in the same way I hope that it may speak to you.*

I imagine silence.  Deafening silence.  Muted colors and unimaginable feelings.

Just last week my friend and I discussed whether we would want to be deaf or blind.  After going through options, we both decided that we would rather be deaf….but I think it’s different for you.

I imagine that this seems like a dream, rather, a nightmare as you try to fathom what has just happened to you.

I feel for you.

I imagine that all the words that people are saying are appearing in front of you like writing in the air but the letters are jumbled and falling to the ground.  That the consolation people are trying to offer doesn’t matter that much because you are beyond numb…..and deaf.

I imagine silence.  That has broken into your reality and painted the world gray, or black.  That the moments that you smile are few and fleeting.  That everything makes you want to cry, or does make you cry.

I imagine that you feel hopeless and helpless.  That everything you knew before is not just shaken but broken beyond repair. 

I imagine you feeling like you are holding both life and death inside of you and in your hands.  That everything is happening so quickly but yet in slow motion.  That nothing seems real. 

I imagine your pain, I feel your pain.  I feel for you.

It is strange because one of the main thoughts I have about you and what you are going through is silence.  I have fear, and hope and overwhelming grief and darkness and light,…but really, more than anything, I feel silence.

There are no words that anyone can say to make this better and it seems like even if there were, they wouldn’t matter that much because….well, words can’t bring back what is lost.

And even writing that seems wrong.  How could this happen?

I imagine the questions that you have.  The desire for answers and peace that feels so far away. Holding life and death in your hands and feeling like hope and reality are slipping through your fingers.  I feel for you.

Not wanting to hear words of angels, or divine plans just hoping to get through the next moment because I am sure that this one feels unbearable. 

Images, good and bad burnt into your eternal memory.  Time stretching on and minutes passing so slowly.  Pain not being eased and anger bubbling inside you.  It doesn’t seem to be getting any easier.

But it will.

There is hope.

Through the deafening silence, there is hope and light and one day the breathless feeling that you have will ease.  The tightness in your heart and weight on your chest will be relieved.

It is hard not to put myself in your shoes.  I instantly think of how we are alike and in that moment I can be nothing but fearful and sad.  I have been in many low places.  The worst of these being when I have lost. 

The uncertainty of life is scary.  Feeling, and essentially being helpless is scary.  What if I make a bad move? What if I do too much of this or not enough of that? What if I didn’t kiss my kids before they left for school or my husband before he left for work?

What if I lose everything. Who cares about silver linings or bright days ahead…all I can see is now.

Deafening silence.

The questions won’t stop as you beg for relief ….and quiet. 

I imagine God is angry.

Not with you, but for you. A consoling type of anger. 

I imagine your arms flailing and heart pounding as you fight against an angry consoler. Counselor.

And I feel you.

I wish I could wake you up. I wish I could say anything, but I can’t.

Two phrases for me have meant everything.  One of them was “ I see you.”

I wonder if that could mean anything to you.  If being seen, being known in this impossible abyss could bring you comfort. 

I imagine that you don’t even want comfort, but then…..

Like a wave,

a tight hug you didn’t know you needed,

the sun shining down on and through you,

or

a good cry

it sweeps over you.  Maybe not lasting at first. 

A temporary relief for a pain that doesn’t seem like it will ever pass. 

I sense of hope in your despair.

An angry consoler to catch your tears.

An invisible being that gives a tight embrace.

A burden lifter because you lack the strength.

A gentle whisperer because all you have heard is

Silence.

A deafening silence that will be broken through. 

A heart mender that will put the pieces back together

An angry God, not at you, but for you….one that feels your pain.

A comforter that will help you through the pain as you remember your joy and loss.

A sweet embrace that will bring you hope.

A God that may not prevent, but will always see you through with love, hope and a righteous anger.

A break in the silence as you begin to hear again.  You won’t want to hear everything, but some things will be beautiful. 

Let this warmth and light shine in your life as you travel this road. You are not alone.  You will never be alone.