I imagine silence

* I wrote this piece for some friends who experienced a deep loss. I hoped that this would speak to them and in the same way I hope that it may speak to you.*

I imagine silence.  Deafening silence.  Muted colors and unimaginable feelings.

Just last week my friend and I discussed whether we would want to be deaf or blind.  After going through options, we both decided that we would rather be deaf….but I think it’s different for you.

I imagine that this seems like a dream, rather, a nightmare as you try to fathom what has just happened to you.

I feel for you.

I imagine that all the words that people are saying are appearing in front of you like writing in the air but the letters are jumbled and falling to the ground.  That the consolation people are trying to offer doesn’t matter that much because you are beyond numb…..and deaf.

I imagine silence.  That has broken into your reality and painted the world gray, or black.  That the moments that you smile are few and fleeting.  That everything makes you want to cry, or does make you cry.

I imagine that you feel hopeless and helpless.  That everything you knew before is not just shaken but broken beyond repair. 

I imagine you feeling like you are holding both life and death inside of you and in your hands.  That everything is happening so quickly but yet in slow motion.  That nothing seems real. 

I imagine your pain, I feel your pain.  I feel for you.

It is strange because one of the main thoughts I have about you and what you are going through is silence.  I have fear, and hope and overwhelming grief and darkness and light,…but really, more than anything, I feel silence.

There are no words that anyone can say to make this better and it seems like even if there were, they wouldn’t matter that much because….well, words can’t bring back what is lost.

And even writing that seems wrong.  How could this happen?

I imagine the questions that you have.  The desire for answers and peace that feels so far away. Holding life and death in your hands and feeling like hope and reality are slipping through your fingers.  I feel for you.

Not wanting to hear words of angels, or divine plans just hoping to get through the next moment because I am sure that this one feels unbearable. 

Images, good and bad burnt into your eternal memory.  Time stretching on and minutes passing so slowly.  Pain not being eased and anger bubbling inside you.  It doesn’t seem to be getting any easier.

But it will.

There is hope.

Through the deafening silence, there is hope and light and one day the breathless feeling that you have will ease.  The tightness in your heart and weight on your chest will be relieved.

It is hard not to put myself in your shoes.  I instantly think of how we are alike and in that moment I can be nothing but fearful and sad.  I have been in many low places.  The worst of these being when I have lost. 

The uncertainty of life is scary.  Feeling, and essentially being helpless is scary.  What if I make a bad move? What if I do too much of this or not enough of that? What if I didn’t kiss my kids before they left for school or my husband before he left for work?

What if I lose everything. Who cares about silver linings or bright days ahead…all I can see is now.

Deafening silence.

The questions won’t stop as you beg for relief ….and quiet. 

I imagine God is angry.

Not with you, but for you. A consoling type of anger. 

I imagine your arms flailing and heart pounding as you fight against an angry consoler. Counselor.

And I feel you.

I wish I could wake you up. I wish I could say anything, but I can’t.

Two phrases for me have meant everything.  One of them was “ I see you.”

I wonder if that could mean anything to you.  If being seen, being known in this impossible abyss could bring you comfort. 

I imagine that you don’t even want comfort, but then…..

Like a wave,

a tight hug you didn’t know you needed,

the sun shining down on and through you,

or

a good cry

it sweeps over you.  Maybe not lasting at first. 

A temporary relief for a pain that doesn’t seem like it will ever pass. 

I sense of hope in your despair.

An angry consoler to catch your tears.

An invisible being that gives a tight embrace.

A burden lifter because you lack the strength.

A gentle whisperer because all you have heard is

Silence.

A deafening silence that will be broken through. 

A heart mender that will put the pieces back together

An angry God, not at you, but for you….one that feels your pain.

A comforter that will help you through the pain as you remember your joy and loss.

A sweet embrace that will bring you hope.

A God that may not prevent, but will always see you through with love, hope and a righteous anger.

A break in the silence as you begin to hear again.  You won’t want to hear everything, but some things will be beautiful. 

Let this warmth and light shine in your life as you travel this road. You are not alone.  You will never be alone.

I see you

It felt like I was the only one in the room.  Maybe to him I was. He spoke with a quiet, strong, confident voice.

“ I see you.”

The simple words brought tears to my eyes and at the same time stopped tears in my heart.  I hadn’t put words to it before, but there was a need for me to be seen.

His acknowledgement made me feel mighty, like I could do anything and be anyone….really, be myself.

All of my movements up to this point had been genuine to me but out of the corner of my eye I always wondered who noticed.  An emptiness that was longing to be filled by the gaze of whoevers attention my actions caught. 

He moves so gracefully and takes such good care of me as I try to navigate this path.  He brought joy to me that I didn’t know was missing and helps me to stand when I don’t have strength of my own.

The room fell silent and got loud at the same time.  I felt like I was birthing, or being birthed.  Joy and hope swept over me.

Words unknown poured out of me and I felt like the angels were singing with me.

The space around me was filled with warmth and I could do nothing but let what was happening, happen.

I was no longer able to stand, brought to a posture that would bear the light weightiness that I was feeling.  Tears streamed down my face, I felt held.

Nothing else mattered. In this moment there was only the two of us. Me broken, Him a healer.

It was then, after I gave everything I had and received at the same time that he spoke those words.

“ I see you.”

I felt wrapped. At once everything else was silent as he repeated, “ I see you and I know you.”

I am not sure that I can do justice to the depth of those words.  If those words could help you, change you, fill you as they did me. 

There was….. is something beautiful and real about the God who I know sees everything, saying that he sees me.  That he cares about me, that he knows me. 

Feeling like in a room full of people, he would focus his attention, love and affection on me.  That he would bring me to my knees and just like that, heal the broken places in my life.  It’s moments like these that make the difference in my life.  Moments when he breaks through and whispers that make love pour out of me as he has poured in. 

The idea that the God that crafted the world with his words would take the time to speak simple earth shattering words to me.

The truth that those words, as deep and meaningful, and personal as they were to me, were not just meant for me.

The reality that no matter how we try to hide and keep him from knowing us…..

he sees us.

The warmth, rather than shame that comes from those words makes the difference.  Him seeing you….seeing me doesn’t make me want to hide.  It makes me appreciate all that I am and all that I can be.  He makes me forget mistakes and fingers pointed. 

When He spoke those words, they felt lasting.  Like he had seen me all along and would continue to see me forever. 

I felt like I was the only one in the room as he brought me to a place of healing.  Let those words be true for you, because even in the madness of life he whispers

“ I see you.”

For Today

I will live in the moment.

I will soak in the now as I go through my day.

I will let the sun warm my skin and eat as many fun size snickers as I want.

I will not stress about money or whether or not you like me.

This moment is beautiful and in it I am free.

For today

I will listen to my body, get off of Facebook and take a nap. 

I will lick syrup off of my shirt and take pictures of my pregnant belly.

I will walk around in my white socks and try to not wonder how dirty they are getting.

For today

I will receive the love that is being offered to me.

I will listen attentively and speak truth.

I will give of myself.

For today

I will return emails and make jokes.

I will cross things off of my to do list, but not everything, because that is unrealistic anyway.

I will be present with you as you speak to me and not think about the other things that I could be doing.

For today

I will be thankful for my job and the kids who have dropped out of my class.

I will take pride in my slower waddle and comments of “ you are getting big”

I will cherish the life within me.

For today

I will take off the mask and allow myself to feel and hear in a new way

I will notice the constant white noise as I sit in silence.

I will empty my mind, while staying conscious of you.

For today

I embrace who I am. I love how God has created me and everything is right.

The yells of my children will not feel like sabotage, but I will be grateful for their jubilant expression.

I will change and challenge my jaded perspective and be happy with the smells of bacon and French fries. 

I will see myself covered with love, grace and beauty.

For today is passing.  Time is fleeting.  My moments of despair don’t change what is happening around me.  For today IS beautiful, sunny and bright.  Warm with a nice breeze. For today, this moment is everything I need it to be.  I am everything I need to be in this moment. 

For today

I will live in the moment.

I will soak in the now

There is life in you

With expectation

I sit and rub my belly and feel life bouncing around.  Just six to eight weeks to go and all I can do at this moment is sit in expectation.

Of the greatness that is within me that I can not hold right now.  The greatness that is ready to spill out of me into the world and make a mark, a difference. 

“There is life in you,” simple words that I will never forget that were whispered in my ear by a God I can not see, but I know and feel.  “ There is life in you.” These words made all the difference because weeks before I felt like I had lost the life that was within me and I felt hopeless.  Those words brought me to tears and got me through the darkest time of my life.  He whispered to me, and the words that he said changed my outlook and out put. 

And now in anticipation, with child, I wait again.  For life to come out of me rather than death….but the words still remain. 

A reminder of both death and life. 

Of sadness and of hope.

The words at the time reminded me that there was still something beautiful in me.  That I still had something to offer the world and even if I didn’t feel like getting up or carrying on, there was still something bouncing around inside of me that was waiting to come out.

So, now there is a child.  A life that will leave my body and grace the world with beauty, power and strength.  There is a warrior in me that is waiting to come out and make a difference on this earth. 

As my fingers pound the keyboard it feels like the power of this life are flowing onto my screen and it makes me wonder.

There is life in you.

Not just the baby that will be born, or that you are waiting to see, but life. Ideas, passions, words, dances, art, beauty.  There is life in you that is bouncing around in every part of your body waiting to come out.

Do not let the fear of the unknown dictate what you will do.  Let the life that is within you flow out and ignite the life that is in someone else.  I struggle and am often times unsure about whether I am doing enough or whether I am enough.  It is the hope of the life within me that acts as a reassurance.  I hold on to the life and the passions that are inside me because I can feel them rumbling inside and bouncing around ready to get out. 

I want my life to spark the same in others.  I want to make a difference, because life can do that.  I want to live at my fullest potential and in that process, draw life and light out of you. 

Sit with the idea

the reality

that there is life in you

Let it soak through your mind and body.

What does this life mean to you? How can this life impact others?

The beauty of it, is like a baby, it is waiting to be birthed.  To make a mark on the world and ignite the fire and life within someone else.  So let your life and your light shine…..

With expectation 

3102012- Where I've been

It was just a regular Tuesday, but these spots of blood began to hint at how my life story would change. I never thought that it would happen to me. Not in an over confident or cocky way, just in the sense that I felt like the odds were in my favor. Everything seemed to line up and was happening just as we had hoped. It took longer to get to this place this time. We had tried for months, which for us seemed like forever.

When we found out that you were coming, it meant everything to us. The completion of our family unit and the beginning of a new phase of life. New life. We kept you our secret for a while, not knowing how people would react, we protected the joy that you brought.

I would have never thought that it happened like that or would feel like this. The life that was inside of me that had bubbled up and spilled over to a joy in our family now fell out of me. Unlike I had experienced it being told before. For everyone it is different, but for me…..I don’t know

I got up because I had to be somewhere, my stomach hurting.

Before this I had no warning of your way too early arrival. I can’t remember what I was thinking or if I even had time to think between laying down and standing up and feeling you drop out of me. I looked down and will never forget the image.

It was like something out of a poorly done film and I imagine that I froze in that moment as I was overcome with the grief and reality of death.

Your protective world a sphere that was to stay lodged inside of my body so that I could keep you safe, now laying in a piece of cloth. A perfect grayish translucent ball housed you. I wasn’t supposed to see you yet. You were not supposed to come. You were still being formed, still being put together and I couldn’t have imagined having to see your pea-sized body.

Nothing could have prepared me for this. The pictures that I have seen on baby center now in real life.

The grief is overwhelming. I was supposed to be pregnant. Not now going through the emotional turmoil that I feel and no baby. My life story now has this death woven into it. So many people face it and people try to sympathize, but to go through it…my God.

I have joy and I have hope and thank God I have peace and still there is so much pain. So much grief and confusion. Fear and questions about the future. Thoughts of guilt and shame and “how could I have changed this” and “ what are they thinking of me now.” I would wish this upon no one.

What could I have done?
How could I have protected myself better
How could I have protected you?
Do I take off work?
Do I need a couple days to grieve? A couple weeks?

Even with the knowledge that I could have done nothing, it still has the ability to change everything. It has made me want to reevaluate what I want and what I believe. How I'm viewed and how I make decisions. My husband said " It is in these times that you see what you are really made of", I agree.

I feel like I have never heard of this. Like this is a new discovery of an old pain that is familiar to everyone but only unique to some. There is death and grief associated with that moment for me. I am having highs and lows trying to deal with this thing that has changed the dynamics of my family.

I feel such deep pain and sorrow over my loss. I am now a part of a group that I always had confidence I would not join. I can now identify and with those who have lost and long for more.

I have wondered why this happened.
Why this happens.
I have no answers. I know that I felt like my life fell apart and that I needed and need more than just time to heal my wounds. I know that my life is being pieced back together and a beautiful story is being written.

It was only six weeks ago that you entered my life, six days ago that I saw you. My life will never be the same.