She gave herself away

Twenty-year-old girl who finds most of her identity in being a Christian. It’s all she’s known and in Christ she feels all right. But now she feels like HE, the only one who can comfort her and give her answers is silent, simply saying

“ I am here” and “ yes, I care”

She feels like she has given herself away one, too many times. Trying to be found in the embrace of a man, but rather finds another piece of herself lost.

Only three, but each one took a piece, a peace which she is fighting to reclaim.

The first didn’t ask, forcing upon her a downward spiral having her mind twisted by opposing emotions. Feeling forgiven and whole but yet empty and really feeling like she could only be filled, only be found by losing herself again.

The second man comes and although she feels like the relationship is positive, like it is going somewhere she realizes that this is not what love is supposed to be. It felt good for a short while but “dag, I just need someone to love me for me!” Cause even though he was there he didn’t appreciate who she was, asked her to change and took from her when she trusted him with her vulnerability. So again she began the cycle of healing.

Finding solace in single hood or so she thought, cause now she just longed for another.

This time a pattern was revealed, a way of thinking that she realized allowed her to be hurt again, cause why else would she feel this way? Back at square one and feeling more empty than she did the first time because in trying to find herself, she loses herself.

Now she doesn’t want the healing, doesn’t see how she can deserve it. Knowing that none of us do but feeling so torn because she feels like his grace should have surely run out by now. She realizes that the issue is bigger than remaining single for a little while because even in those times there is a desire to be degraded, to be looked at as less than the jewel that she is because now her meaning of love is wrapped up in degradation, abuse, lust and shame.

“Why does this happen to me?”

Why does this happen to her? The question doesn’t fall on deaf ears but yet others are raised: what is love to you? Who is God to you? What does healing look like? What have you lost? How do you cope with the pain that you feel?

Now I suppose we can go into her relationship with her parents and her relationships with these men. The developing and acting out of the maladaptive behaviors and thought patterns. Or, we can target the beliefs that she has, the ideas that she holds that are realized through her behaviors and redefining those ideas...but the truth is that I just don’t know…

I don’t have answers because if I did I would give them to her. All I can offer is a shoulder and an ear as tears fall from her eyes in hopes that He would show up.

“Remove the pain and desire and restore me.”

They say ugly things to her, about her, but when I look, I only see beauty. In her are the untold stories of our sisters. In her is liberation as she shares her tales and the redemption that took place.

Years have passed and although some questions have gone unanswered, there’s a peace.
A peace that reminds her of the words that He has always said
“ I am here” and “ Yes, I care”

The same words that brought anger before now bring peace because as He says them she feels His arms. And although feeling unlovely she can now receive His love.

He is different.

His love is not tainted by them. His love is pure, taking nothing from her but giving her the world. Loving her unconditionally and allowing her to see that she is worth it.

She gave herself away…just one more time, but she knew with Him her heart was safe.