Walking Blind

I feel blind.
I can’t see beyond my emotions and those right now are negative, dark and cloudy.
Blind.

I wish I could fully articulate my emotional state or my attachment or love hate relationship with my situation. I don’t know how to move forward and the task of seeing has been placed on me, but I cant.

And now the feeling, the emptiness in the pit of my stomach makes me want to crawl up in a ball and weep because I feel like I’ve toiled for so long and the very thing that I’ve birthed and nurtured is dying, or dead.

And my heart cries, tears aren’t streaming down my face but I feel them. I feel hopeless, I don’t know what to do or how to change the situation and GOD I need you because …………………..because I do.

Because I realize that you are the only one, the only thing that can make this right.

Because I’ve tried and I’m failing.
I’m brave or I look brave but I’m scared and insecure and I need you because….

And the thing that always gives me hope and amazes me is that He can change things in a instant. Maybe not the situation but at least how I relate to it. Giving at least enough so I am able to cope….

And now I feel…

I feel like you’re hearing me, but sill I feel lost, alone , not doing anything because I don’t know if its worth it.

Is this what you want me doing or was I wrong all along?
Is this what you called me to?
Was I ahead of myself?

I don’t know where to go or what to think all I know is that how I feel can’t be good.

God
I just need to know what you want from me.
What you want me to do.
I don’t know if I can handle it but I can’t handle this place.

Why is everybody else moving and I feel stagnant and scared?
What am I missing?

I feel like He always says the same thing…trust…for years when I am battling I feel like that’s his answer and I try, and I do, but I’m sad.

But maybe I don’t.
Because the truth is, I want to see answers and results NOW

I want to lean on what I can see and understand because those are the things I know….

I don’t fully get it but I know I want straight paths. I know I need straight paths and God, I’m not sure if I’ve acknowledged you in all my ways, I’m not even sure what that looks like exactly…but I’m willing to learn.

The game changes just like that. Maybe not the situation, but at least the way I relate to it. I am still navigating through my feelings, but I am thankful for my Guide, because I know that really.....

I’m not walking blind.