Surprised by love

The orchestration of this moment could only be God, because everything fit together just right.

I spoke to my sister on the phone and what she said about me made me laugh.

“Is it rainy there?”

“yea” I said

“Cause you sound like the weather…dreary”

We both laughed and I tried to explain to her that I did indeed, unexplainably feel like the weather.  Overcast.  There was just a cloud over me.  It wasn’t circumstantial, just there…hanging. 

I chalked it up to pre birthday blues.  I just didn’t feel like I had the energy for much.

On that same night I expressed to my small group during our check in that I felt “meh”…just meh….nothing was going bad, but my life didn’t feel big or juicy or anything really, just coasting.

I expressed a desire to have a God encounter.  To be flooded and overflow.  For my life to feel full. Be full.

The celebrations started….

Wednesday

We went out to dinner with dear friends and I left feeling more alive and able to pursue life.  I felt empowered, like the cloud I had felt before, was beginning to disperse.

Thursday

Khalid and I went on a date, made possible by another dear friend.

Can I just pause and say that friends are key?!?! I have NO idea where I would be without my community.

We talked and dreamed and I began to feel hopeful. 

Wait, I need to pause again and talk about my husband. Without sounding or being blasphemous, I have to say that he is the truth.  He just sees me.  He sees me fully and loves me.  I feel Gods love for me through him.  The way that he lives his life makes be want to live bigger, and more disciplined.  He lives in the most sacrificial, caring, powerful and humble way that I imagine is what Christ wants of us.  Having someone so close to me who partners with God to reflect His love and truth, as well as areas of growth for me, is an unimaginable blessing that is unparalleled. My husband trumps everyone.

Friday

It was my 32^nd birthday and I threw myself a party…writing that feels so strange in light of the rest of the weekend. Friends came from the outer worlds like Brooklyn and Queens.  Some lied and said they couldn’t come and then showed up. I felt blessed by the outpouring of love and peoples presence.  I danced, talked and had fun.  Khalid put together a book of shoutouts for me that was sweet and beautiful…and thick! I read half of the amazing words that people wrote and then finished on

Saturday

I finished reading and was speechless. I felt known.  My friends identified things about me that I wouldn’t have readily picked out as descriptors of my character.  I was moved by and thankful for the vastness of my community and their ability to see me.

Later Saturday

I got ready for a fancy date with one of my besties.  Super excited and feeling extra special I headed to meet her.  We had fun- ate hot dogs, got our nails done, window shopped, had cocktails at a speak easy lounge and then took a cab ride to what would be the surprise of a lifetime.

I am a pretty suspicious person, but this was not on my radar.  Even if I had thought that a surprise party could happen, I wouldn’t entertain it….I was full already.

As the door opened and I saw so many people that make up my community,

I was surprised by love. 

All at once light burst forth and I was blinded.  Overcome by the reality of His great love for me in the expression of you.  You represented for me something much bigger than who you are.  You represented life and love for me in a place that was dark.  There had been candles, flickering flames in the darkness of my soul but your collective presence brought a radiant light and warmth. 

I didn’t know that I was standing in a dark room.  I didn’t know that the presence of God could flood a place from the expression of people in it.  My heart had been broken and the space I was in, filled with lies.

It’s funny when you know that you believe a lie.  I have believed that I was not good enough to be loved.  That I liked and loved people more than they did me.  That I had no true friends, but was only tolerable.  Even when the truth was before me, it was explained away by circumstance.  The lie was pervasive and saddening.  It felt like something I would just have to live with.  Something that I would know in my head was untrue but would be my constant pain to bear.  

But truth wins.

Using the opportunity of celebration, God stepped in to create a moment for my freedom.  The dark space filled with lies was flooded with light.  The brokenness felt mended in an instant.  I went from shocked that this could happen, to being overwhelmed. Tears flowed in the most undignified uncontrollable fashion as my friends swarmed or stood awkwardly trying to figure out exactly what was going on.  I felt dramatic but could not stop myself from weeping.  I felt seen, known, overwhelmed and surprised by love.

Your presence, words, sacrifice of time, support and love culminated in a God moment for me that has changed me in a profoundly deep way.  The way that I identified with those lies now feels foreign. And now I feel full to overflowing.  I feel alive and big and loved and only joy.  Really nothing has changed much besides being faced with the reality of a great love for me, and I guess really, that changes everything.

Living now at 31

As I sit here and count down the days till my birthday, I am conflicted.  I have it all, and I still want more.  I stand in the place between great satisfaction and missed opportunity.  From different angles it feels like I am accomplished…but then, there is that place….

That place in my heart that wants more.  A dissatisfaction that sometimes consumes and cripples me.  An envy that is nothing short of ridiculous.  A jealousy spawned by Facebook updates, filtered Instagram snapshots and 140 characters on twitter that make me focus on my lack rather than the bounty that is my life. 

Can you relate?

I have pumped myself up, spoken truth, listened to truth, made lists, checked things off…but at times….still….

My heart feels heavy. 

Conflicted

as I try to make sense of what may be an unjustified pre mid-life crisis.  I count my blessings, and they are plentiful….but I dream….

Crazy dreams.

More outlandish than four kids in New york city, rocking a runway for Paris Fashion week and being on Family Feud. 

I dream of

Dance revolutions

Community revitalization

Passionate Purposeful lives

Connections amongst strangers                       and

Dramatic and transformative life change

I seem to dream of picket fences in concrete jungles

Abundant resources

Heaven here and now

 I have complained and I have pushed through. 

I have been encouraged and discouraged in the same hour. 

I have heard and spoken words of affirmation…….but……..

what I am really trying to practice is His presence and being present. 

Being content with my life and the joy and discomfort that I may feel.

There are a million things on my mind and rarely a quiet moment in my head or in my home. There are a number of things to be happy or upset about in this moment, but right now, all I have is this moment. 

It is hard to stop myself and breathe into the present and appreciate what I have and what I want, but I have to at least take joy in the moment. 

I can plan, I can read, write, meet, practice, grind, and I will….but…..really… It doesn’t matter.

If I can sit in this moment and accept that God is here, right now, wherever I am…HERE with me.  Then nothing else matters. 

Screaming kids

Lack of gigs

Traffic

Shortage of time

Missed train

Gas prices

Burning calves

Whatever it is, the only thing that matters is the moment and how I am breathing into it and allowing God to be with me in it. 

As I turn the corner to arrive at 31.  As I get disgruntled about what I don’t have and what I wish you didn’t have, or what I had gotten first….I am letting that go.  I am letting go the focus on anything but right now.  My hope is for this moment.  My hope is to live and experience right now and to know that the picture of my life is so much bigger than I can imagine.  My goal is to not glorify any situation, but to live in God in this moment.

That I would live this moment it in all its fullness and bring you into it with me.

As I inhale and exhale deeply and pound away at my keyboard. As I listen to the wind in the trees and the quiet hum of my computer, birds chirping, busses on the street, I have become alive in this moment.

And being alive in this moment is what will have to matter…because it’s all that really does.

Stepping into Fashion- I am a Rick Owens Model

The pressure in the room was almost tangible.  It was only a rehearsal but as we waited at the top of those metal stairs our hearts beat with a strength and rhythm that would soon be echoed in our movements.  My hands were shaking as I went over all the changes that were just made.  It was so quiet, and the time seemed to pass so slowly.  My concentration was broken as the stage manager started a conversation with someone over his walkie talkie- “ these are the real models…..they ARE the models….this IS the show” It was laughable, but at that moment, the weight of the performance hit once again.

 If even someone who had watched us the whole day didn’t realize what was happening, how much more “off guard” would everybody else be?

I thought about the line we were presenting and the name of our collective team,  “Vicious” and I let the weight, strength and power of my character come out in my body as I heard the beat drop. 

It was the first full rehearsal for the man who had conceived this whole show.  I descended stairs and marched out into the space with a somewhat reserved intensity, as is the case in a rehearsal the night before a show.  The room that had been mostly empty throughout the day was now filled with the cast and crew that would help pull off this performance.  Our presentation was not without mess-ups as we fumbled through anxiety and recent changes…if nothing else was present, we put our hearts on the stage.  The eleven minutes seemed to pass like the blink of an eye and then we were outside high fiving and congratulating each other for “making it.”  The support for and from each member of the newly formed team Vicious was felt in that moment.

Out came Rick.

He had a smile on his face and simply said “ that was beyond my wildest dreams.” I was touched by his expression and genuine appreciation of this dance that captivated me in the same way that it seemed to have captivated him.  I spoke with just a few people that watched, but the response seemed to be the same.  They were moved.  Moved to tears by what they said seemed to be a spiritual experience.  As an artist who is a Christian, I was moved and encouraged.  Somehow, through the “grit” and intensity, they seemed to see my heart.

It didn’t matter what expression I wore on my face because what they felt in the room was bigger.

There was a

Unity

Beauty

Strength

Power

Intensity

Love

That poured from our hearts as we stepped down those stairs and onto that runway….

And that was just rehearsal.

Thursday morning seemed even more surreal than …..anything.

We talked, we laughed, we practiced and we prayed.  We hoped that the work that we had put in over the last months would be reflected in our performance, but really it didn’t matter, because whether we felt ready or not, the show began.

For me, it was an opportunity, a chance to share my craft, which I have worked at for fourteen years, with the world. For whatever reason Rick and his team appreciated this dance that I love…this dance that is often relegated to college campuses, competitive shows, afterschool programs and people younger than myself. We were given a chance on this larger than life stage to make history, not just in fashion, but for this dance.  To showcase it as a dance with transformative and inspirational power.  We were seen and appreciated as artists, dancers and dare I say models.

We spent only four days in Paris, but the impact we made in that time will be lasting.  I couldn’t have properly prepared for the response as I prepared for this show. I anticipated what would take place, but this… this is something else. And as I view pictures and read articles it has caused me to not only reflect on that day, but also who I am and the process as a whole…..

I am a happily married mother of four. I am well educated and passionate.  I love people and live purposefully.  I am now a model, although some would say the contrary.  I was a part of an historic event and whether it was all good or all bad, it happened.  I am one of the faces of forty, described by some as obese, angry, not good enough, amazing, strong or powerful.  If I was nothing else, I was vicious.  A representation of a line of clothing that maybe was not meant to originally adorn my brown skin or post six-month baby delivery body, but it did. 

I have been at this dance, at this movement for a long time, and on that Thursday we made a statement.  I cant speak for the intention of Rick Owens, or Ricky as some of us called him, but I can speak for myself….maybe even some of the others that day.

I am not angry.  Some things make me angry, some things make me have to be aggressive, but I am not sure that “angry” has ever been used to describe me.

I am a step dancer.  I have been dancing, only step, for fourteen years. I was captivated and fell in love the first time that I saw the dance.  The power, strength, intensity, confidence and beauty in it moved me. I never pledged a sorority, rather I stepped at church.  Three of the women that stepped with me, I’ve been stepping with my whole career, one of them my sister, none of us angry, all of us performers.

There is controversy, there is a system, whether what we did moved the fashion industry and the talks on diversity forward or backward is up for debate, and really, just opinion.

I received a text from a colleague the day after my thirtieth birthday.  She asked if I would be interested in performing for a designer in Paris for Fashion Week, I told her that I was in.  We had what seemed like endless dialogue as I tried to get my questions answered and information about what would be expected. She told me to gather my team and show up for rehearsal.  We did.  I expressed my concern because of what I knew about fashion.  We are black, athletic builds, average height, natural hair, not too fashionable…steppers ….she told me to bring my team as we were and come. We did. 

We were not completely sure about what we were stepping into, but we came to share our art.

The “grit face” was not something I had worn before, but most of this experience was new to me.  As I learned about Ricky, his aesthetic and his vision, I was moved by the idea and honored to play a role in it.

Step for me isn’t just a representation of a group that I belong to, nor is it just a way that I make money.  Step is my creative outlet. My dance, my art of choice. I hold this dance close to my heart, it’s mine.  The physical expression of everything I love.  A manifestation of what I believe. Giving clues and an inclination of the God I believe in, because when you dance, you give a look into your true self and beliefs…..

I’m not sure that everyone felt what we did, or that it will be fully understood, but for me it was a moment to showcase more than clothes. A moment for us to display our passion and our love with the intensity that we have put into it.  To be Vicious in the presentation of our creative outlet in hopes that people would be moved and connect with it. Our hope was for those eleven minutes, to change the atmosphere in the room and the way that this dance is often viewed, I am left with the impression that we did just that. 

What do you think?

Birthing Possibility

I am sitting in the place between bitter and sweet.  With expectation and great anticipation I am preparing for my life to be swept up again by that “new baby scent” and sleepless nights.  In that same breath, I am not ready. 

I am not ready for this life to leave me and have to deal with the harshness of the world rather than the safety of the womb. 

I am not ready for the juggling of six schedules and personalities that need to be taken care of.

I am not ready for the redefining of my life. 

For six and a half years my life has been consumed with being pregnant and having a newborn. This will be my last.

My identity and abilities have been adjusted based on my varying physical and mental capacity.  I have put things off, scaled things back and given justified excuses for my lack of consistency.

The season I am entering is unchartered territory and long put off responsibility. 

My weight,

Fatigue,

Accomplishments,

Goals,

Pursuit of my passion

Are opening up once more.

I am entering a season of possibility and hope and I want to be ready.  Just as easy as one crutch leaves another can fill its space. Who I am and how I’ve been seen has been wrapped up in my building a family, who will I become after this season?

Will my dreams and passions manifest in the beauty and brightness that I dream them in?

Do I have what is takes to grace stages and heal lives?

There is a part of me that is ready. The part that says my fear is unfounded and I have been moving in the direction of my passions all along.

There is just something about sensing that it is your time…. 

That there is a window to step into your fullest purpose, 

A burst of energy to run towards your dreams,

A bubbling on the inside that must produce.

That is where I am.  I have been pregnant for a long time and now we will see what will be birthed.