He likes me

For some reason, I’ve always wanted to preach on the train. Something about it really appeals to me and I simply feel like I could do better job. I sit and fantasize about what I would say and how I would say it. Making eye contact, hoping that the day I actually choose to do it, I would be wearing something presentable. Hoping that someone would have a life changing experience because of my masterful presentation of truth.

Every time someone starts on the train I imagine I could do it better and wonder if I should just do it….how crazy would that be?
“What he just said is true, but let me say it this way…..” Not gonna happen.

This guy standing on the train saying God knows what, and disturbing even my ride….how could this be a good thing?! He was talking about Jonah or something and then he began his wind down rant before he hopped out of our car and into the next.

He spoke about Gods love for us and how He changed his life and wants to change ours….I could dig it, I fully agree with it, but it made me wonder….

How would I approach this differently, what would I have to say to these people on their morning commute. They have probably heard it all before. I would probably get lumped in with all the others…

It made me think of the woman that I am. I’ve made a list of things that make up me before, so I will spare you that. What I really thought about were the hard parts of myself. The parts that I wrestle with labeling, and understanding.

The parts that I feel misunderstood about the most,
My humor
My interest
My judgments
My desire to be appreciated for what I give

Maybe seen as blunt and rude
Could be seen as nosey
Ridiculous standards even for myself
My selfishness

I have the hardest time accepting these parts and appreciating the good I get from them or the good they can indicate. I used to cry a lot over these parts, being misunderstood about them and wanting to change but not knowing how. I hated it mostly when people would say things about those parts in a negative way. My desire to change and hope that I could live with these parts were eclipsed by the “ you’re so nosey” or “ I’m not gonna talk to you because you are going to judge me.”

I wondered how these parts of me could relate to the people on the train. I sat and remembered something my Pastor said and something that God has said to me,

“ I like you”

He explained that it was so different from the understanding of His love, and it is.

The reality that He likes me, all of my sin, all of my flaws and hang-ups, and he enjoys me, wants to spend time with me, wants to know me, wants me to converse with Him and be associated with Him is humbling and drawing.

That truth has tremendous implications for my relationship with Him and the way I view myself. It is helping me to accept the parts that I often don’t like, because if He can, I can. Not that He doesn’t want me to become a better version of me and more like Him, but the fact that in spite of my current state He not only loves me, but He likes me.

That reality is changing my life daily.

I feel like if I preached on the train, that would be something I would try to get across. It may not be one of the traditional, fundamental truths, but it IS a game changer.

The ideal and impossible

I am not sure if this is a list or a prayer request, but as I stand in between faith and reality I’m asking you to ride this out with me. I have the ability to believe in the impossible…or at least the highly unlikely.

Some would say that my belief in God is a testament to that, and I agree, to an extent. Skeptics and realists believe in God, as I do because He is indeed real. Not a hope, but a father and friend that I experience…so it’s a little different.

I have hope for what I can’t see or touch and am not even sure is mine for the taking. I don’t know how long to hold out. I know that God knows my heart and more importantly that he knows my needs…I just don’t know how far off the answer is or in which form it will come.

This move has been one of my biggest faith battles, mainly because I believe, that doesn’t necessarily mean that I’ll get what I want, but still I do.

In spite of my faith, its been hard to communicate the specifics of what we are looking for, because when I do, I feel silly. Like I believe in some fairy tale and I am an idiot for it…but still I believe…and now I’ll share with you my wish list…I’m putting it out there. You can put your faith with mine or think that I’m crazy, I guess we’ll just see how it plays out.

Three bedrooms
Living and Dining room
Laundry
Parking
Counter space in the kitchen
Good School district for the girls
Space to dance, a ground floor apartment would do
A reasonable distance from work and church
For $1500 or less

To some this list may seem simple, or doable, for New Yorkers, impossible.

Because of this, my faith is on the ropes. I am not trying to hold on to a fairy tale, but at the same time I can’t let go of my hope. I can compromise some things…… but still,

I believe in the ideal and impossible.

It's all good

I want to move so bad…it’s almost all I can think about. I have become consumed with my desire for change. Different than before, my perspective has changed from the desire for what “you have”, to the desire for what we WILL have.

I have big dreams, huge dreams, almost too embarrassing to share….

I am a believer in the ideal and extraordinary. My hopes and desires make me marvel at how God created me with such duality. I have to be perfectly content in my situation while believing that God can do the impossible for me.

There are so many thoughts racing through my head right now. There are such varying degrees of desires. What I may think are big dreams, for some are not even a thought…or its what they start off with…

I believe that I will influence millions….wow….I guess I’m gonna share this….I want to speak at huge conferences and write best sellers. I want to help people live passionate and purposeful lives.

I want to do all that while still being a professional stepper…performing in shows that I create on major stages around the world.

At the very least, I am pretty sure that we are going to be millionaires :/ I want to give away a lot of money. I want to help people make things happen financially and consistently provide for random strangers.

I guess those are the biggest, broad stroke ones…well the biggest for me, but again its all relative…

My fight has been to be content with the process in light of the outcome…. because I prayed and hoped

but

Just the other day I lost a residency that I was sure was solid
I didn’t get a raise
I didn’t have a good day teaching
My kids embarrassed me ….

And those things make me angry, sad and disheartened. They make me wonder about my worth and my abilities. They make me wonder about God’s promises to me, and whether or not he even actually spoke to me…

They make me think about myself and how my actions may have caused these reactions. How my taking my blessings for granted could have actually gotten the blessings that I had been granted, taken”…. Maybe, but I don’t know if that’s how the God that I serve operates.

My dad always speaks in riddles, or in some profound, simple, philosophical way.
I asked him what good would come of a situation he’s in, I should have known it would send him into a rant style lecture…..

“Baby, it’s all good! If you believe in a higher force, nothing bad can happen.” I don’t really know where my dad is on his faith walk…at this point he knows where I stand but he always seems to manage to talk to me as if he doesn’t know….but that’s besides the point.

My dads statement challenged my perspective. Its one of those things that we say, but its harder to really internalize and feel. I know that no matter what

if I can really hide myself in Gods shadow, its all good…

As I sat on the train I just kept saying that, and it seemed that each time I said it, I got it a little more…

It’s all good
It’s all GOOD?
It’s ALL good?!
Wow…it’s ALL GOOD!!

It was the simplest of things that rocked my world and made me remember how I had reacted when things didn’t go my way…

And now I exhale and inhale and try to take this simple thought in and really wrap my heart around it, because I want to control things and I want them to happen how, when and if I want….but they don’t….my hope really is in the ideal,
The promise,
The perspective,
The fact,
That its ALL good….crazy.

Overwhelmed by my lack

As I sat and sized everyone else up, I realized that I had become overwhelmed by my lack.
Success and happiness are by no means measured by income, but still I want more... We have enough to live, but hardly enough to save and the decisions that we have made for our growth have left us paying the equivalent of our rent in student loans....

I wish someone had really warned me about the clutches of Sallie or that getting a Masters gets you much more than the experience, marketability and a huge diploma…but I digress.

The grass is always greener on the other side and the woman with a house might look at me and wish, while I dream of having what she has....

A wonderful husband
Beautiful girls
A great community
Work that I love
I lost an appreciation for what I had because I was looking at what you had. Staring and drooling because it wasn’t mine. My focus was skewed and I was unable to see the good in my situation because as I stared at yours, mine became blurry.

I lost sight of why I do things. Lost the meaning and the feeling of the beauty of the process and my current situation because I was caught up in a result.
A dream…a resolution of work that offered something better…nothing too lofty

Can my loans be forgiven?
Can I be closer to work or my church community?
Can I live closer to my friends?
Can we gig a little more?

The yearning blinded me. All I could see was my need for dollars as I tried to make sense of my situation….
A boat load of debt
Living in an area where we do nothing and are close to no one
Talent unused because of countless factors
but there was something much deeper at work.

All the faith I had for the future could not stand a chance against what I chose to look at. Instead of looking at myself or what I had, or even my God…I looked at you.

I became overwhelmed and enamored with my lack and your possessions. Bitter because of what you had that I didn’t. Didn’t allow God to comfort me because I was looking elsewhere and therefore headed elsewhere.

Gods charge for me to hide in Him and focus on him didn’t become real until I realized the affect of the opposite.

As I devalued what I had, I took my blessings for granted and was not able to appreciate my situation now.

I can’t say that I am there or that I've figured it out…that sometimes I don’t feel disgruntled or restless..but choosing what to look at, what to focus on has helped me to realize that really, I lack nothing.

The Great Escape

My reflection on this week has been demanded, so I will try and walk you through the process.
I was asked to spend a week in the woods at a camp with kids that I had never met before. To be an agent of “space creating” in their exploration of the God that loves them enough to show up in that space.

So we were there, trying to connect with these kids and use the space to reconnect with God….

I was excited and nervous.

As I tried to jump from being a stranger, to someone that they would follow I quickly realized that this week would not be easy and that this was not Boston.

Not youth ministry like I knew it, they were hard…hardened….this was different. The air was different, the stories were different…
The problems were the same
Same hurt
Same tears
Same needs

The whole week felt like a roller coaster ride. We had different intentions, but our deepest hearts desire was the same, stated or unstated, conscious or subconscious

An escape.

A way to deal with the pain that seemed constant. A chance to be loved by people who thought they were beautiful. A chance to look for healing outside of the concrete jungle. And we were there to provide that.

The drama was immeasurable, the negative perceptions about our kids was a minor challenge compared to the “hands on” things we were dealing with…

Three kids sent home in two days and between the zip lining, tubing, and free time it was sometimes hard to see how a difference would be made…challenged to meet them where they were and allow them to identify with their deep need for God.
The process was masterful. Now we just had to
lead them,
walk with them,
represent Gods love for them.

It was a process of them opening up and letting the tears flow… only to shut us out and stop their emotion because the idea of feeling out of control was too much. The pain seemed unbearable as they identified with their deep need. There was a desire to swoop in with all the answers but the idea of letting them identify with what they were feeling was more important. We were not trying to use Band-Aids or introduce them to the concept of God and church that they were used to. Not trying to hear the “ God knows”, “only He can judge me” and “ He loves me” if it doesn’t deeply resonate with them….if they can not identify with the true warmth of his embrace…if they had not first stood face to face with their undeniable sickness.

They didn’t need a temporary fix
They didn't need to hear our opinions
They didn’t need the judgments

Life hasn’t been easy and although they have learned to fight, now it’s all they do.
They fight for respect,
for status
for love.

They fight because they don’t want to lose themselves to the drama. They fight to stay alive in hopes that their fighting will not just yield more scars and bruised egos. They desire to get out the hood but it’s all they know so regardless of their intentions, their actions speak volumes about their situations.

My heart cried for them, I shed tears for them because they wouldn’t.
I listened to their rants and stories. I tried to follow them as they went on journeys and hid their emotions behind tough skinned masks.

The talks, the tears, the fights, turned them from just Red Hook kids, to my kids. Kids that I care deeply about. The countless activities set up to have them see us as their leaders, helped me to see them as mine. There is work to be done, and now, I’m committed to doingit.