I was pushed to the brink of insanity, or so I felt. Both of them crying in the car for no real reason at all and I just wanted to leave. Just wanted to walk away. Something about them crying was driving me crazy...and sometimes it has the ability to do that. To push me to the edge and make the situation seem so much bigger than it actually is.
And I often feel that way…like why…why me…why now?! And yet, as she smiles at me…
as they smile and laugh and play and question there is nothing but love in my heart for them. An overwhelming love that can’t be understood until you have one, have it, feel it.
She sat in my lap and touched my face, she seemed to be studying it and in her eyes I saw and felt love, but even before that feeling and interaction I loved her with everything that I was and am. My babies…there is something about them that brings out the best and worst in me…challenging me and causing me to grow.
Challenged to see myself honestly because whether or not I want to see everything, they will. Realizing that if I don’t change if I don’t grow then my bad habits will just be repeated and have life through them…. and I don’t want that.
There is something, everything beautiful about children…they teach you, they challenge you and they give you the capacity to feel…things that I didn’t know were inside of me I feel…making decisions I didn’t know I would because I love….Choosing to stand for things because they are important and I need to be able to see that I stand for something. Fervently searching for answers because one day there will be many questions….
Within a matter of hours I had two opposing thoughts. I wanted to walk away…..just leave them crying as my blood boiled and “how could anyone not want this?!”
and parenting is like that sometimes…
I have no particularly profound thing to say, just wanted to share my thoughts and reflections on this crazy, tiring, beautiful thing called love and parenting.
It often reminds me of Gods love for me as a father, the type of unconditional, amazing powerful and moving love that can only fully be experienced because descriptions don’t do it justice and I often have the same question in spite of the ups and downs…
Sitting here with my jaw dropped I want to say something. Not really sure what to say or how to approach the delicate topic that is causing uproar in our society and friendships. Disgusted by the way it has been dealt with by churches. Treading lightly because regardless of what I say I will probably offend some of my closest friends…..So silently I watch with my jaw dropped
No longer marching through city hall listening to chants of “ One man, one woman”. The event that I was once proud of …Taking pictures of what we thought would be an historic event. Not fully sharing the sentiment that the others shared or the way they communicated their beliefs but being grouped with them. Signs of
“You will burn in hell” and “ God created Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve”
Preachers using scare tactics, neglecting relationships and love….
And as I walked through those halls soaking in what I was a part of, I had conversations, two that I will never forget, remembering one liners and riding the fence because even though it seemed right it didn’t really feel right.
“I just came cause I didn’t want to go to school. I don’t really agree with the ban though. Legislation is about the rights of the people. We as Christians can not push our agenda and opinions on others and legislation even if we think its right. We have to think of human rights.”
Hmmmmm, it made me think, cause even though Manny is and was controversial, he had more than a point…
And as tears streamed down her face, sitting on the floor against the wall she caught my attention. “Why do you hate us? ”
The words stung my ears and the image is forever burned in my memory. Everything else seemed to fade as I heard her. We began to talk, hoping that she would hear me, with all the Love I could muster I said…
“ I don’t….we don’t hate you”
My voice seemed to be drowned out by what she heard and saw around us so I quickly followed up with..
“ Its hard. Trying to take a stand for something that you believe in. Trying to not get lumped in with everybody who looks like you or is saying they have the same message as you. Feeling like you want to say something but not finding the words and hoping that a message of Love would be communicated”
“ How could I see this as love?! Signs and threats, that’s not love that’s hate!” We continued to talk, me doing spiritual acrobatics in hopes of digging my religion out of the hole that we have dug for ourselves. Standing for issues as we should but in such a way that the true message that we are supposed to bring seemed to lose power.
Realizing that I couldn’t, hoping that she heard me as I said “ well, I’m different. I believe the same thing that that do, well, I don’t know. For me there is a focus on the Message and the love of Christ rather than the sin.”
We ended our conversation and I had heard her, and I believe she had heard me. Now more pensive than before, the scene I walked through seemed surreal.
It seems that there will always be this battle. We stand on one end, them on the other. Feeling attacked by our opinions and judgments because it seems to be the only thing we talk about.
The biggest issue addressed by the Church. Neglecting the reality that we view it as a sin. Can’t rewind and state: James 2:10 For whoever keeps the whole law and yet stumbles at just one point is guilty of breaking all of it… or Romans 3:23-24 23 for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God… The glorified position we have given it makes our credibility wane.
I’m not sure if silence will change anything, but I am pretty sure that yelling wont.
Sure that the pictures of that rally that I hid from my friend because of fear of her reaction would begin a rift in our relationship that would take years to repair…
Sure that regardless of what my opinion is that if I don’t have the love in a relationship to back it up it lacks power…..
Sure that my stance hasn’t changed but my display of love has…
Sure that was is going on in Uganda, In the US, in Churches is madness…..
Today is my birthday! It is one of my favorite days of the year, I have no shame in saying that!
I have been reflecting a lot lately. Thinking about where I am and where I want to be. What I want to change and what I will have to do to get there.
I’m scared…or I get scared but I am always encourage by the fact that there is a plan and I have a purpose
So I refuse to be afraid, I pursue success
The idea of accomplishing goals and attaining the elusive idea of success is nerve racking. Committing yourself to pursue your goals is enough to make you not want to. I don’t know what happens to you but when I think about what I will have to do to reach my goals, I get scared. Not a fear type of scared but a nervousness in the pit of my stomach that makes me want to retreat.
I have often chosen to exhale and push on, but what is the thing that pushes me on? What helps me not to quit?
There are so many shows out right now that give people their one shot to fulfill their passions or dreams. People go to the auditions in throngs and we watch the shows religiously to see if they will be given their shot. We look for a glimpse of our success in their stories, we hear what they have been through and we identify because their pursuit of their passion and their success reminds us of ours…..maybe…..maybe they, maybe we, have it all wrong, is success really a one shot deal or is that an illusion? If I could just do my thing for Diddy or if I just had the money to be able to….
We often relinquish control of our dreams making our goals hinge on someone else’s choices. We say that we can’t pursue our passion because of our job or that if we were just given a chance, we would “really make it.”
Success is not a matter of what you have done, can do or will do. It’s a perspective. A way of looking at your life and being content at your present stage while at the same time not being stagnant. Success changes from day to day dependent on your circumstance, but it is ultimately a matter of what you see.
I am a work in progress, working toward my purpose and goals. To me, I have achieved success. I am a true follower of Christ, an excellent wife and mother, a coach and a step dancer. I am living a passionate, fulfilled, successful life. I am not where I want to be, but I am moving… I believe that what keeps me moving is my true self. The me that is waiting to be actualized, that thing that strives to be like my Daddy who is perfect. Some may not agree, but to me this is true. I know I will never attain His perfection but it is my job to try.…Maybe the desires I have are just the realest version of me trying to be actualized. I believe we have an inclination of who we are to be, or who we are in Gods eyes and this informs our desires and beliefs. Quite possibly that is why there is a disconnect between the me that doesn’t do what I believe in, and sometimes “what I don’t want to do” and the me that I believe I am.
Maybe it is really that the me that I believe I am is really the me that I am striving for. And the drive to make our beliefs and our actions line up is so that we can become the realest version of ourselves…. who God intended us to be.
Success is a mix of purpose, passion and effort. Not our purpose but Gods.
It’s the day after Resurrection Sunday and I am a couple days late on my post. Its been on my mind but I have been hitting walls lately. Things always happen that I feel like I can write about but then really, I don’t know what to write. There was one particular experience I wanted to share with you guys but I don’t know how to adequately describe it, but I’ll try.
We had been on the road all day and I really just wanted to go home, but I couldn’t. I had a meeting on the other side of the city. My friend Meghan set it up.
Nineteen year old girl who wanted more and wanted help finding it.
I thought about canceling as the sun set but my all supportive husband said
“we might as well”
Red Hook. A place I had never been and didn’t seem too attractive as we drove through the industrial building lined streets. Meghan tried to convince me that we should move… I’ll pass.
Anyway, I was glad we had come because I wanted to meet with her. Met her once before and something about her sparked my interest. As we walked through the projects on this sunny day turned cold night I felt warm. It had been a while since I was around so many young people. As they seemed to walk aimlessly through the development I just wanted to do something…
I was reminded of my youth worker days. Putting on rallies, sleepovers, youth service, just chilin…I loved those days!
I didn’t speak to many of them but it could clearly be seen that they needed something, Someone.
“If you smoke, I’m not gonna get you dinner!” Meghan’s attempt to offer love to these kids, to be love to these kids.
A white girl offering Jesus to these black kids because she loves them and they need it. Taking the idea of being a part of the community that you live in to heart and making it her goal to make a difference. I appreciated her work.
We walked into her mother’s house. Some would say it was a typical scene in the hood. She was fed up.
Tired of living the way that her mother had laid out for her and desiring change. She didn’t see the blueprint for how to create another life so she cried out for help.
To God, to Meghan and now me.
Trying to show her the love of Christ and communicate to her that He did indeed want something different for her. That she would not and does not have to bear these burdens alone. That she does not have to be like her mom That she can succeed and is succeeding That she is loved
all I could think was “dang, I love this girl”
It was like I was experiencing the love and urgency that we are supposed to have for the lost but all too often don’t. Often pointing out their sins and the things that we feel they need to change. Making them feel judged
They have heard the rules before but haven’t heard that He cares and He loves them, and isn’t that what matters most?!...change will come.
She poured out her heart and said that she wanted to be different, she loves her family, but needs change, wants a different life for her son….she wants answers.
Not sure exactly what to say but sure that I am connected to the One that can give her what she needs, we build…
There is something so different about this girl, just nineteen and seen more than most. Doesn’t want them to see her crying but she’s broken.
I see where she is as a place of strength and beauty and I know that as her story unfolds it will be amazing.
Life is more than mountain top experiences, we learn from the hills, valleys and the journey....
I approach this blog to share my perspective as I experience life through the Hills and how I am being challenged by the process. Please weigh in if something moves you and share how you are navigating through the hills
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