A Confrontation

There are those odd times when I sit on the train and imagine being confronted. Usually I am reading my Bible, head phones on, in my own world….I imagine someone coming from the other car and making a statement that demands the attention of everyone on the train. I would look up and take out my earphones as I often do when something interesting seems to happen. The man would repeat his statement, something to the effect of “ Who is ready to die for this Jesus?”

The very thought of the challenge and the day dream is something that I probably fear more than is normal living in the city of New York, but still, it’s weird because I do. I always wonder how I would fess up, or what I would do before. Would it be a shy scary, “me?” or a bold stand and hope that something would go terribly wrong for this guys plan “ I am!” The biggest issue for me really is not even how I would respond but in the discomfort I feel in the confrontation. Gospel songs sing of the joy of heaven. They sing of how they cant wait…but I can…so….what does that say of me?

Never would I deny the lover of my soul and the amazing things that He has done for me…but what if I’m not ready to die? What if I am fine here, doing what I’m doing?

Ok, so I know this life is temporary and nothing…nothing can compare to being with Jesus…..but….I feel dumb for even bringing it up, because it doesn’t really matter, when you die, you die and its over….but choosing death…..It makes me wonder whether or not I really get it…..

On the flip side it makes me think of the woman that I am and the type of life that I’m currently living and often complaining about. Grumbling about what I have or don’t have while wanting to stay alive in order to enjoy it.

Makes me think about how Paul said in Philippians he didn’t think it was his time to die because of the work that he had left to do on earth. Paul was about something, his life and his actions spoke volumes about his beliefs.

I want my work, the way that I love and treat people to be something worth staying alive for.

I see myself in different lights and different situations bring out different things, but a lot of the time, I’m disgruntled. A fairly angry individual that is often more jaded than not. Some say I am mean or rude, I think over emotional…either way it is not really a good look. Others don’t see me in that light and I am probably harder on myself than I need to be, maybe not though.

The reality is that I can’t change. I can make an effort to be a nice and loving person but that doesn’t always work out to well…I know that I can try though….Some of my ways and habits are beyond and outside of me, I need God. Not in the cliché sense but in a real “I’ve tried and failed, I want to and cant and I believe that He can” type of way.

I imagine the man walking into my train car and demanding not just the whole trains attention, but mine specifically. I imagine closing me eyes and thinking about my family and the people that I love more than anything….the people I have done my best to show love to. I imagine God being happy with the way I have grown and changed and the people that I love knowing that I did my best to love them. I imagine standing up, smiling and having peace….the peace that I often feel that assures me everything will be fine…. And saying with confidence “ I am!”