My life in Christ

One of my biggest fears is that my life would not tell of the relationship I have with Christ. That I will get swept up in a church talk, non Bible reading lifestyle and speak of days of old. That I wouldn’t have any fresh experiences with Him to draw from.

I fear that I reminisce too much and don’t dig into Him enough.

I know enough about Him, have experienced Him enough to not leave. To know that He is the only answer, that He is the answer. Spent enough time with Him to know that when He breaks in it means everything. There is no turning back for me, no changing my mind, no doubt.
But I wonder

If my life is full of living in a way that doesn’t not look like Him rather than a life that is bursting with fullness from my relationship with Him.

I wonder

If my children will see my love for Him as I feel or experience or know it. If the stripping away of my religiosity will leave them feeling like we “just go to church”

I wonder

If the people that I work with would be surprised, shocked or in disbelief that I am a Christian and whether or not that would be a bad thing. Would they not be able to see Christ in me or surprised that Christ could look so good. You know what I mean?

I wonder

If my friends feel the same way

If the way that I talk about Him and think about him could substitute time spent with Him or reading about Him.

I want
To find the balance between the memorization, perfect church attendance and a life devoid of the “big sins” and where I seem to be now.

I want
To wake up in the morning and spend my first with him on a consistent basis. To be fed and rejuvenated by him. To acknowledge him in every situation and interaction.

I want
To have the fire I had when I first met him collide with the deep love and passion I have for Him and the knowledge I need of Him.

I want

To put what I hear into practice. To know what scripture to read and be filled by it. To not fall off the horse but to be consistent.

I want to be a mirror of His love. To experience his changing power on a continual basis.

I don’t want to live a certain way in my head that doesn’t match up with reality. I don’t want to think my life is a pretty reflection when really it is just a blurry picture. I want my mental convictions to match up with my experience and actions.

As of now, I am working on my relationship.

Holding my tongue

I have tried to hold my tongue and keep my cool. I have tried to be different than the others that you interact with because I feel like you need it. Need someone to respect and understand you. You need someone to model for you what it means to take responsibility. To own up to mistakes and apologize when they are wrong.

I have tried to walk the line between teacher and guide. To give you the time and room to see yourself. To be a mirror of reality and who you are. To show you that it is not easy growing up, but it is very intentional work.

I have lost my cool. I have said things out of my weakness and frustration. I have been angry.

I have watched you grow. Seen things in you that others have not. Taken joy in the way that you think before you speak….sometimes.

I have tried to be light and love to you. I have tried to be Christ to you, show Christ to you without saying it. I have tried to be different.
Taking my time and being thoughtful about how I deal with you. Not because I want to be your friend but because I think you need a model of responsibility.

I have
Reached the end of my rope. Given all I have to give, and held it in for too long. Been ridiculed by you and judged by some who could make the same choices as me but choose not to, and that’s ok.

It seems that we don’t get enough. Not enough money. Not enough respect. Not enough time. Not enough preps. Making personal investments in their lives and hoping for a return. Hoping that the negative things they say and the attitudes they give won’t be the only thing we receive. Either way, we’ll do it. Keep coming, keep teaching, keep loving.

For more reasons than one.
I believe that they can change. That they want to change. They need someone to support them and walk them through the process.

I love my art.
I love to teach my art.

I have the responsibility of showing Christ to these kids, being Christ to these kids and I guess that is the main thing that keeps me going. Even though they may never know why. It’s important to me that if they ever do find out, my actions will be consistent with that reality.

For that reason, I will hold my tongue and keep my cool.

I needed that

Last week I had an encounter with God....simple and powerful...these were my ramblings and what I felt like He said to me

I am constantly moved by your love for me. In the midst of everything that is going on. While I’m trying to find balance and live a life that is passionate and purposeful I am confident that you love me and you are there for me. I am moved by your love for me.

It happens every once and a while where I am reminded of your love and the power you have to change my life. You are great and amazing

I wanted you to feel my love today. I know that you needed it.
You are already who you are meant to be.
As you understand more about yourself you will grow more, but you are already who I want you to be.
Everything you are to be is already in you.
You are not changing who you are, just in the process of revealing more of who you are.
Trust me as I draw these things out of you.

It is amazing to me that a voice I can not hear or justify could change everything for me. His voice brings me comfort when I didn’t know that I needed it. When I am not even sure of the things that are going on inside of me or the change process that I am going through to become more of who He wants me to be.

There are so many things on my mind. SO much that I want to do and am in the process of doing. I wish I could adequately express the reality that He is everything. There are times when He seems to break into my life and bring everything. He eases everything and makes everything good. He has the power to change my situation without anything changing, To bring perspective when I didn’t know that I was seeing things the wrong way. Its almost like I didn’t know what I was missing until my reality collided with His love and everything changed. I needed that. I need Him..….

You need Him. You may not know it. You may not agree with the religion or the doctrine, but when you encounter Him, it will all make sense.

His love changes everything.

He has pursued me. Chased me down and lavished his love on me that has changed me.

I wish

I wish

I had more compassion.
As I pass you on the platform with your head hung low, some sort of fluid by your feet. The skin of your back showing, you look like you’re in pain. I want to stop and inquire, but I cant.

I wish

I had more time.
Because right now I am on my way somewhere. I am always on my way somewhere really. I don’t have it in me to stop or be late. Essentially “ I have more important things to do” I am sure you won’t be here when I return though. There are parts of me that want to be spontaneous. Forget about what I have to do in the next ten minutes and tend to you, but….

I wish

I could stomach the stench.
Because where you have been and your state of living has left a foul one. Unbearable to me and most others that occupy this shared space. But really it’s not your fault because where are you supposed to shower or how are you supposed to take care of yourself? I imagine sitting down and being so jarred by the smell you wear that my response would do more harm than good. I imagine my good intentions coming off poorly as I gag or make a face.

I wish

I was kinder. That I could come down to your level.

I wish

I had more to give. Seems like a silly wish now, because I am sure you have the same wish. I feel like I don’t have enough and you really DON’T have enough. Without the means to buy food or shelter. My wish must really be an insult. I get mad too. Feeling like people who have more than me can’t understand my needs and here I am doing the same to you. I could give more. I could probably start with giving something at all.

Because I don’t. I don’t stop, or give, or pray. I think for a little, blog a little and keep it moving.

While you sit on a bench in the subway hunched over. While you dig in trash cans looking for a meal. While you humble yourself to ask for money.

I wish

That I will do more than wish and ride on the fumes of my last “community service”. That I will make time in my schedule to get over myself and see someone else. That I would take the time to stop and care. That I would do more than just think and write…..

Hold me to it.