She gave herself away

Twenty-year-old girl who finds most of her identity in being a Christian. It’s all she’s known and in Christ she feels all right. But now she feels like HE, the only one who can comfort her and give her answers is silent, simply saying

“ I am here” and “ yes, I care”

She feels like she has given herself away one, too many times. Trying to be found in the embrace of a man, but rather finds another piece of herself lost.

Only three, but each one took a piece, a peace which she is fighting to reclaim.

The first didn’t ask, forcing upon her a downward spiral having her mind twisted by opposing emotions. Feeling forgiven and whole but yet empty and really feeling like she could only be filled, only be found by losing herself again.

The second man comes and although she feels like the relationship is positive, like it is going somewhere she realizes that this is not what love is supposed to be. It felt good for a short while but “dag, I just need someone to love me for me!” Cause even though he was there he didn’t appreciate who she was, asked her to change and took from her when she trusted him with her vulnerability. So again she began the cycle of healing.

Finding solace in single hood or so she thought, cause now she just longed for another.

This time a pattern was revealed, a way of thinking that she realized allowed her to be hurt again, cause why else would she feel this way? Back at square one and feeling more empty than she did the first time because in trying to find herself, she loses herself.

Now she doesn’t want the healing, doesn’t see how she can deserve it. Knowing that none of us do but feeling so torn because she feels like his grace should have surely run out by now. She realizes that the issue is bigger than remaining single for a little while because even in those times there is a desire to be degraded, to be looked at as less than the jewel that she is because now her meaning of love is wrapped up in degradation, abuse, lust and shame.

“Why does this happen to me?”

Why does this happen to her? The question doesn’t fall on deaf ears but yet others are raised: what is love to you? Who is God to you? What does healing look like? What have you lost? How do you cope with the pain that you feel?

Now I suppose we can go into her relationship with her parents and her relationships with these men. The developing and acting out of the maladaptive behaviors and thought patterns. Or, we can target the beliefs that she has, the ideas that she holds that are realized through her behaviors and redefining those ideas...but the truth is that I just don’t know…

I don’t have answers because if I did I would give them to her. All I can offer is a shoulder and an ear as tears fall from her eyes in hopes that He would show up.

“Remove the pain and desire and restore me.”

They say ugly things to her, about her, but when I look, I only see beauty. In her are the untold stories of our sisters. In her is liberation as she shares her tales and the redemption that took place.

Years have passed and although some questions have gone unanswered, there’s a peace.
A peace that reminds her of the words that He has always said
“ I am here” and “ Yes, I care”

The same words that brought anger before now bring peace because as He says them she feels His arms. And although feeling unlovely she can now receive His love.

He is different.

His love is not tainted by them. His love is pure, taking nothing from her but giving her the world. Loving her unconditionally and allowing her to see that she is worth it.

She gave herself away…just one more time, but she knew with Him her heart was safe.

Hands and Feet

There are SO many things that I used to do that I don't do anymore and I miss. Then there are things that I say I believe in and want to do that I don't. Community Service/ Volunteer work is one of those things that I am trying to build into my life.

I guess its sometimes hard for me to wrap my mind around doing it because there is so much other stuff that I am trying to do. The thing is though that I am getting tired of talking about doing and never making the moves to freely help. Homelessness in NYC is crazy, and if we all...if I sit around and make excuses how will the work ever get done?

It seems like for the past couple of weeks, and in my life in general, the consistent themes are CHANGE and LOVE...for me that is hard, but I'm working....
Really, I'm just trying to be Hands and Feet:

I said I was going to do it so I didn’t want to cop out even though I could find reason to…I was committed…..
Committed to stepping outside my comfort zone to do something I said I wanted to do. I said it was important to me but I never made a point to live it out, today I did. I met them on the corner of 50th and 10th and we walked and talked. We kept our eyes open for someone who could benefit from what we had to offer.

There he sat at a table by himself. I wasn’t going to approach him because I didn’t want to offend him, he didn’t seem to need what we were offering.

He spoke first. “ I don’t associate with her because she’s a crack head.”
I sat and we began to talk.
Politics, God, Martians, conspiracy theories, Bush, service in the navy, San Diego, Lobster, Steak and caviar for breakfast.

He didn’t want our sandwiches, he wanted companionship, a supportive group to be a part of. He said that he was seeking, starting all over again on his journey. He blamed the Christians in his life for his state and did not want to hear anything else about what we believed. That was fine, we weren’t looking for a convert, just trying to be the hands and feet of the one that we follow.

I could see that he saw something different in us. Could see that we weren’t trying to sell anything, he could see that we meant what we were saying.

With everything that was in me, I just wanted to be genuine, just wanted to listen, and I did….I followed him on his rants. We engaged him and tried to answer his request for companionship.
I used to think that I had to sell something, and that I had to sell it quickly, I don’t believe that anymore. Sometimes, more often than not you just have to be a real person and show real love because so many of us don’t.

“They don’t even see me, they think they’re better than me.”

Lowering our eyes and putting pep in our step because we don’t want to be bothered by their stories.

I heard his, I saw him as he spoke, I looked into his eyes, and I believe that he felt the love of God.

He refused prayer, I wanted to push it but for what? To fulfill my need to be recognized as a Christian or as somebody who cares because I prayed for him while he was right there? Getting out of my commitment to follow up and think about him later because I already did my duty…there was a battle for my religious self to die…I wanted to be hands and feet, not the institutionalized religion that he hates.

As we got up to leave I told him I would see him again, he said I would never come back, he was made the promise before and it was broken… “I’ll be back” I said “and when I can, I’ll bring steak”. I offered a hug, shedding my preconceptions of what might happen if I hugged this man without a home…we hugged. He said “ no one has ever hugged me before, I have never felt loved like that.”

As I stepped outside of my comfort zone, I was able to show love to one who was deemed unlovely and he felt it. I believe he was changed by our interaction, I know that I was.

Don't hold your breath, but wait!

As we celebrate four years of work, of love, marriage and dancing, I am thankful. Thankful for the man that I share my life and home with.
For the family we have built and are building.

He’s an amazing man, one in a million…… for some that’s the problem.
The idea that there’s not another knight in shining armor, not a man that will fulfill all the things on their list they wait no longer.

In their compromise they don’t realize how much is really lost. Weighing the Christian men who don’t live right against the non who are everything else they wanted.

Not that they want to choose this man who hasn’t chosen their God but the wait seems unbearable and the list unrealistic.

I have seen both sides but only live one. I know the benefit of a home priest and a man that loves God first.

The trade off is in more than just a title….I know it seems far off and not worth waiting for……

I know the fight is to justify how things could change
and
how he can be the man of God that you want him to be.

But it’s not just semantics. Its not a want but a necessity….really.

I’m not sure if I could adequately sum up the difference.

In an effort to love me like HE loves me, he loves me like no one else can.
In spite of his flaws he is for me the ideal representation of a perfect man. Not perfect in his ways but always working towards a perfect picture of himself because we are commanded to be like Him. Teaching me in his humility how to be a better me.
There’s a beautiful sacrifice in the way that he lives that challenges me to be better. It’s not just in the words that he says but because of what he does.
He is patient with my shortcomings and supportive with my goals.
He is kind and strong. Giving fully to me and anyone in need.
A true father to our children and an example to many. A representation of what they need to look for in a husband and what is possible.
Introspective and thoughtful.
Going from problem solving to shoulder offering because sometimes that’s all I need.
We don’t go to bed angry, not just because its not a good thing to do but because He won’t let him, and we need to work out our differences.

I don’t know if this is a small tribute to my husband, a description of him or a plea…. I just know that through his love I see a glimpse of Gods love for me.

He is a good man outside of God, but with Him he is amazing, and I need amazing and so do you.

Walking Blind

I feel blind.
I can’t see beyond my emotions and those right now are negative, dark and cloudy.
Blind.

I wish I could fully articulate my emotional state or my attachment or love hate relationship with my situation. I don’t know how to move forward and the task of seeing has been placed on me, but I cant.

And now the feeling, the emptiness in the pit of my stomach makes me want to crawl up in a ball and weep because I feel like I’ve toiled for so long and the very thing that I’ve birthed and nurtured is dying, or dead.

And my heart cries, tears aren’t streaming down my face but I feel them. I feel hopeless, I don’t know what to do or how to change the situation and GOD I need you because …………………..because I do.

Because I realize that you are the only one, the only thing that can make this right.

Because I’ve tried and I’m failing.
I’m brave or I look brave but I’m scared and insecure and I need you because….

And the thing that always gives me hope and amazes me is that He can change things in a instant. Maybe not the situation but at least how I relate to it. Giving at least enough so I am able to cope….

And now I feel…

I feel like you’re hearing me, but sill I feel lost, alone , not doing anything because I don’t know if its worth it.

Is this what you want me doing or was I wrong all along?
Is this what you called me to?
Was I ahead of myself?

I don’t know where to go or what to think all I know is that how I feel can’t be good.

God
I just need to know what you want from me.
What you want me to do.
I don’t know if I can handle it but I can’t handle this place.

Why is everybody else moving and I feel stagnant and scared?
What am I missing?

I feel like He always says the same thing…trust…for years when I am battling I feel like that’s his answer and I try, and I do, but I’m sad.

But maybe I don’t.
Because the truth is, I want to see answers and results NOW

I want to lean on what I can see and understand because those are the things I know….

I don’t fully get it but I know I want straight paths. I know I need straight paths and God, I’m not sure if I’ve acknowledged you in all my ways, I’m not even sure what that looks like exactly…but I’m willing to learn.

The game changes just like that. Maybe not the situation, but at least the way I relate to it. I am still navigating through my feelings, but I am thankful for my Guide, because I know that really.....

I’m not walking blind.