I have Hope

This week was a trying week for me. I lost my wedding rings, band and engagement during a class. Please hold your questions, Im still dealing with it and I'm still hopeful..

My eyes are red.

Red because I can’t stop these tears from falling. I feel like I’ve been pushed over the edge of a small cliff, and now a waterfall. Not sure what really brought this surge of emotion but since the middle of yesterday I’ve been low. Before that, I was in a weird place.

So now, because of a misplace and a broken taillight it all comes to a head. The heaviness that was with me yesterday and all through the night to this morning has overcome me and I cry. Cry because….

I’m not sure why.

Needing a release and not sure if my problems are worth talking your ear off about I sit and I cry.

Wanting to feel something else and now the floodgates are open and emotion is pouring out of me.

As I looked into the mirror and saw my red eyes I began to feel a peace, his presence was there…

Feeling comfort in the idea that I walk by faith and not by sight…standing in awe of him I began to feel better.

Enough to make the tears stop and get a small grip because I had to teach and life goes on.

I began to rise out of the mini depression I had been slipping into

Feelings of inadequacy
Fear
and emptiness
Replaced by hope.

The hope of knowing that the overwhelming grief I was feeling was temporary.
Knowing that He knows and cares about my situation.

So if I don’t know how to help you now, I will
If I don’t know how things will work out, they will

And as I type I feel tears of gratitude because in a matter of ten minutes and a bucket full of tears he was able to change my heart, just a little bit at least so that I can cope. So that I can see the bigger picture and realize that a lost ring and a broken taillight, not being prepared for my class, not knowing what will happen with my business and not knowing how to move forward are temporary and they too will pass.


But as I walked into the room where my ring was lost I was reminded…

I lost it. They stole it, or it was taken.
Either way it’s gone.

But in my loss I was given hope and I was able to give trust and belief.
She handed me my wedding band and said that she found it.


“You think we stole it.”

In that moment I was glad that I didn’t. The hurt in her voice let me know that she had felt this way before. Judgment cast on the innocent because of her bad attitude. I too wanted her gone. Removed from my class because she distracted the others.

She wanted to stay.
She wanted to change. And now I’m glad she’s there.

I say that I believe in them and I do, but when something goes missing its hard not to blame and draw conclusions.
The relationships I had built could have been destroyed in an instant if I didn’t practice what I preach.

She needed someone to trust her and to believe that she, that they could do good.

Because I was sad and broken I was able to receive….
Regardless of what the outcome would be, will be, I had hope. My ability to let go of the situation (in a way) helped me to give.

I am not sure if this all makes sense, but for me I realized that allowing God to be with me, allowed me to give out of what I had lost.

I have hope.

I am

The weather this week has been beautiful! Whenever it starts to get warm, sun shining, birds chirping it makes me think more. Something about the cool breeze always sends me into reflection mode. This week I thought a lot about where I am and where I want to be, for me hard stuff. I wanted to share with you some conclusions that I came to about myself :) I'm new to this blogging thing and really trying to define my voice, I write to get a better sense of myself.

So this is a peak at the unpolished me



Really though everyday I go back and forth with myself about who i am and what I want to accomplish...

I am excited and extremely nervous

I am what you see, and what you think of me, both are true and both are me...to an extent.

I have learned that I have fillers….things that take the place of God and things that separate me from men, people.

I have a need to be needed.

I like to know people’s stories, some would say I’m nosey, but really, I care…
And I’m nosey

I have a desire to be genuine, and I am, but I have tinges of gray. Times where I don’t really care and it shows.

I am narcissistic; I very much want things my way.

I want to be seen like a have it together, to a degree.

I feel like revealing my weaknesses is a strength, but an area I’m not the strongest in.

I don’t feel like I know what I am doing; I am insecure.

I like a lot of people around and most feel like they know me, I don’t agree.

I am territorial.

I am a pleasure delaying fat kid because things taste better after a wait and with the proper emotional attachment to enhance flavor.

I am committed to growth, but I don’t know what I have to do all the time and even more so, I am not sure that I would do what’s needed.

The best way I can think to say it is that I look at people in an effort most times to see their flaws.

I am impatient.

All the things that I am and the flaws that I have make me less than an unlikely candidate for what I feel called to do, but I feel like God wants to use my character and my story.

I am an optimistic realist holding out for the ideal.
I am a work in progress, progressively working towards my purpose.
I am true.
I am a wife, mother, daughter, sister, aunt and friend.
I am a leader.
I am a follower.

I am a beautiful contradiction because of grace. I am in some ways what I used to be but in a real sense I am completely new. I am different things to different people and always seen in different lights, I guess I am a chameleon.
In essence I am simply complex.

I believe in them

I have a friend who consistently refers to me as a hood teacher.

I teach at six different schools in NY and from time to time I get a little distracted and might text, tweet or BBM...sad but true

Since her name calling though I have significantly cut down.

Either way this past week held extreme classes for me. I had a really good one and then one where I felt like the students were literally trying to kill me. Each one made me reflect on why I even bother...

Why do I do this?!?!

My answer is simple

" I believe in them"

Sometimes I run into teachers who have lost confidence in thier students because of their actions, once inspired but then ending up drained. A couple of months ago I met a teacher who I was so moved by that I had to write...my thoughts follow, and these are the thoughts and experiences that keep me going:

I met a teacher today who didn’t believe. She didn’t believe in her student’s ability to handle or perform the tasks that I would give them. Only four years on the job and her view of the kids was already tainted. Their behavior began to dictate what she would do with them and I felt her. I felt her desire to pass judgment and her inclination to look at the situation for what it is and act accordingly. But I’m not a realist, so I don’t think that way…

When I walk into a room I can sense what type of class it will be, what I do with that sense makes all the difference. If I let my emotions rule it will affect how I teach and thus how the students learn. It’s hard to avoid the downward spiral of emotional teaching. Believing that the kids need to learn what I have to offer while at the same time holding that they are unteachable is dangerous, but I’ve been there.

Angry at students, reacting and being affected by their words. Lacking the desire to teach and the motivation to challenge them because somewhere in my heart I felt like it wasn’t worth it. Wasn’t worth fighting through their attitudes and outside drama….but isn’t it?

“ Why are we doing this? I don’t get this. This is stupid” ….he annoyed the life out of me. He would come into class, complain, distract other students and not participate. He REALLY got under my skin. I would get so frustrated at times that I wanted to hit him, so I did....I wish

I had enough, I told my boss that I wanted him out of my class.

I deemed him unteachable.

My, boss spoke to him.

This kid immediately went from being the bane of my existence to being one of my best students. There was a shift in his behavior….

It’s a challenge, but I try to approach my kids and my classes like I have something to offer them and that they are teachable, because they are. They aggravate me, they annoy me, they seem like they don’t want to be there, but they are my kids. I have to be patient with them, and understand that there is more going on for them then what happens in my class. I try to not let what other people say or even how the child acts color what I think their potential is. I

t’s not easy but I try.

It was the second to last day of class and for the most part he hadn’t given me so much trouble, but today was different. At this point he was out of control and it seemed that he was on a special mission to push my buttons, and he did. I called his name and said something to the effect of

“ why are you so annoying?”

or

“you are so annoying”

either way it was BAD!

I immediately regretted it although it felt great to finally get it off my chest.
He looked angry, he was angry, I just watched.

Tears started to stream down his face…… It hurt me to my core.

The words that I said out of frustration to this fifth grader affected him, hurt him.

I called him over to me… “I am sorry that I spoke out of frustration, I was annoyed but did not mean to hurt your feelings. We as teachers are affected by what you do but that doesn’t excuse me speaking to you in that way. It was frustrating for me to see you go from one of my best students to being distracted and distracting. I know that you can do better. I need you to know that you can do better. I want you to focus and change your behavior.”

He nodded his head.

I will never forget those tears, the tears that fell because I passed judgment on this child and allowed my actions and words to reflect it.

My classes are generally good, but some are really difficult. Some of my students follow instructions and others fool around, but all of my students are excellent.

All of them have potential and they all deserve for someone to believe and invest in them.

Sometimes I have to take a couple minutes out to speak to students individually so that I can understand their behavior. I never regret it. I never regret letting them know that I care and I’m there because it always makes a difference, if not for them for me. In understanding their stories I am able to be patient and I believe that’s what they need.

My plea for humanity

We watched 2012 tonight and although the series of events were naturally highly unrealistic, the movie was jarring. Like all apocalyptic movies it made me reflect on the frailty of mankind and the mere blip of our existence. There was an anxious feeling in the pit of my stomach, much like butterflies I have before I perform. Although now I wasn’t performing, just sitting and trying to soak in what I was seeing.

My mind was flooded by thoughts, and I was reminded of a video I watched two days ago.

I don’t really follow John Piper, except on twitter, but the other night Khalid and I watched three short clips from sermons he preached. I was moved strongly by one in particular that has been on my mind ever since.

“Jesus came into the world to save EVERYONE…..I want you in heaven with me” As John Piper erratically spoke, pretty much looking like an old crazy dude, I was moved.

Reminded of times that I pleaded with my friends and random people alike…

Reminded of how zealous I used to be in an effort to communicate the Truth that I’ve found….

Offending many but really just wanting them to hear that I cared.

More than that, God cared, still does care…

Trying to relay that it is not about our differences but rather about the reality that it’s a choice and there is nothing that separates us but a choice.

That being Chosen and the exclusivity of my beliefs really aren’t exclusive at all but rather just about choosing…

I’ve been told still that
“its not fair”
that
“I don’t want to serve a God like that”
that
“I guess we’ll just see what happens”
that
“your truth is your truth and mine is mine”

And my heart breaks….

I am more sure about this than any other thing in my life and the thought of my loved ones not choosing brings tears to my eyes and as I type my eyes are welling up and I feel it in the pit of my stomach because I am scared.

I have long left the days of pleading without a context. Now I build relationships.

but the plead and the fight is still in me….

I don’t pray for you as I should but I love you, and I will. Whether or not you think this truth is for you, I do, so I will plead and I will cry, and I will pray. Because although it does not come up in our conversations daily, its always on my mind because I love you, man how I love you…

Now this seems to be turning into a letter, and as I write, the names and faces of those I love flood my mind…and some blank pictures do too. The love and urgency I feel is not reserved for those I know personally, because this truth is for everyone.

Near the end of this apocalyptic movie there was a quote “The moment we stop fighting for each other, that's the moment we lose our humanity.”

So whether or not you think I should, I will fight for you!
J. Hill

The Clip that moved me

It's simply time

I have been putting off posting just cause... Will anybody care or read what I have to say? Do I really have anything to say? My uncertainty mixed with mere procrastination crippled me...so now I Blog, welcome! I am figuring this process out but I hope you join me for the journey and enjoy the ride.

I have made a decision to live in the moment with this blog, realizing that things wont always be perfect but I have to move forward, so because of my resolve, I begin and these thoughts motivate me:

I could never understand why we don’t maximize today. Always waiting for the next as time slips through our fingers and we hope for more. Longing for change and naming and claiming greatness but instead of making moves, we resolve. Making resolutions to do things differently next year as if the opportunity for change is only allotted on December 31st. Not taking into consideration that a new year is really just a second away from the old and that each second we have a chance. We can have a new lease on our lives now, today we can resolve to change.

By the fifteenth of the month most of us have forgotten what we have decided to change. We hold our breath for the rest of the year, not even realizing that we are dying. We lose sight of the things that drive us and become captivated with whatever is in front of us at the moment. We forget how to run…. The things that make our hearts smile and beat faster with anticipation. The things that we would do if rent wasn’t an issue.

Not always aware that we are dying. That pieces of ourselves are being stripped away because we no longer see our goals. Forgetting the list and the things that we said would be different this time around. But as time slips away there is a reality that there is more. More for us today than there was yesterday. Acknowledging that there is a different feel in a new year, but the only thing that separated it from the old was a second…and in a second everything changed and it can.

First with the way that we think. Embracing that the ideal is possible. That lofty thinking is not always crazy. That if I want things to be different I have to really believe that they can be….not easy but reality. Laying out what I see in an effort to attain what may not be… It’s hard but that is what I have resolved.

J. Hill