Leaving him Behind

I've been trying to get into a different mental space lately, trying to evaluate all that I'm doing and what I have to do. Its been hard, but in my process I am realizing how much I have to leave behind in my forward journey...

He’s not even my friend, he’s more like an enemy but still I crave to spend time with him. Day after day he calls me and sometimes I don’t answer, but all too often I do. Giving him my full attention and putting whatever else I have to do to the side because to me he deserves it….
well I’m not really sure that he deserves it but he definitely gets it.

It doesn’t really matter what I was doing or what I had to do, when he calls, I am there. It’s weird because although I spend more time with him than I do on almost anything else that is important to me, I can’t stand him. I guess it’s a love hate relationship.

He aggravates me and whenever I spend time with him I am thinking about other things. He is such a waste of my time and I know he is but still he is nearly impossible to resist. He offers me an escape from the reality and press of my goals. He offers an alternative to the pursuit of a better version of me….being with him is easy. No work, just my time is all he requires. He doesn’t care what we do just as long as we are doing it together; watching tv, surfing the internet, hanging out with people, doesn’t matter, as long as I am not doing things that are too heavy, or things I actually need to do…hmmm, come to think of it, that’s weird…but whatever, I like being with him…I think….

Even though he keeps me back from my dreams, and realizing my full potential I am comfortable with him. In my mind he’s good for me but for the wrong reasons, I know. Being comfortable with him is bad, its like being at home under a warm blanket when it’s raining outside, I don’t want to move, when I’m with him I can’t move.
It seems like when I am spending time with him my dreams get further and further away. But still with him I am comfortable, he is always there.
I spend time with him because I know that if I go after my dreams it will sometimes be lonely. I know that sometimes people won’t understand me or what I am doing and I will have to keep going. I am not so afraid of failure, it’s the success that scares me. What it will take for me to do everything that is in me to do scares me. I am not sure of the path, I am not sure what it will look like but I do know that if I stay with him I will never get there.

He can’t come with me.
It’s more than just him I have to leave behind, I have to leave my fears, and inhibitions. I have to leave behind those little things that are “me” but not the me I want to be, just the me I have always been.

There are patterns that I see, that I need to break. Leaving him is the first thing. I thought I got over some of the things but they seem to always be there. Maybe even when I have them under control I will still have to make conscious decisions to keep moving forward and not bringing them with me.

I am sure he will still call me. I am sure I will still want to spend time with him. But forget trying, I just won’t! You may know him too, maybe better than me, maybe not. He doesn’t discriminate he enters into these love hate relationships with whoever will have him. If you have not met him, look out for him.
To me his name is procrastination, he may go by a different name to you, either way, I'm sure it's time to leave those things behind and move forward...let's go!

Fingerprints

I have a hard time listening, focusing, retaining. So as he spoke I applied everything in me to listening, focusing, retaining, so that I could later apply.

What stuck out to me most was what he said about fingerprints. The idea that we should see the Holy Spirits fingerprints on our lives, look for them and be open to experiences that he wants us to have.

It stayed with me, and I reengaged with the Spirit and kept my eyes open for opportunities from Him.
I sat with my students and shared some random facts about myself.
Parent names
Where I grew up
What sounds I hear in my living room
Food in my culture

It was a poem we were working on.

I come from _____________________

There was no prompt so I took a moment to decide what I wanted to say

“ a supportive Christian community”

I said two more things and was done, they began to question me

“What is ducana?!” she said
“It’s a dish from my country, a mix of sweet potato, coconut, raisins, flour and some other stuff.”

“When did you become a Christian?”
“Why did you become a Christian?”
“ Do you have friends who aren’t?”
“Is it ok to….”

I felt like I was in the twilight zone. These kids questioned me for about half an hour about my life as a Christian.

I was thankful that I was open and that I had changed. My answers were Biblical and based in my experience.

As I answered their questions I was able to reflect on my growth process. How judgmental and close-minded I used to be. How I had no tact….How I thought it was love…

I’ve changed.
The Holy Spirit has changed me, and I am impressed by Him

I am still in the process, but I am thankful for the fingerprints I see, I hope you see them too.

Navigating Solitude

It seems like an oxymoron now that I think about it.

That my fear of being alone would keep me from this meeting, keeps me from this meeting because it’s a standing one. I know where but it seems like as of late I rarely show up, it pains me.

Something about the quiet and the hope that I would hear something, anything. His voice…I know it well but I still battle

“ did I make that up?”
“am I crazy?”

Feeling like the quiet breeds craziness as I wait….Knowing that He will show up and speak but still I fear.

I can’t adequately articulate my struggle and for each one the fear of walking through the process of solitude is different.

“ There are no real good men left and he has everything I want but..”
“chivalry is dead so I’ll take what I can get”
“ I mean, I guess I’ve never really been single”

Most of our struggle with solitude presents the same way and we fill it, not just with him or her but with this and that.

Lights dimmed I took my seat. Turned off the tv and my computer. Made sure my mind was quiet and my music was low, house empty.

I sat and sang

Not sure of what I wanted to say to him but I began to speak.

Words flowed out of me and in the pit of my stomach I felt a yearning.

As if he felt the yearning the room was flooded with his presence as he showed up

Not sure of what the silence would bring but I tested it. Sat there to see what would happen. Wondering if I was alone…really alone with my thoughts would I implode or some other far out fantasy or nightmare about what might happen in the space.

The space we find hard to navigate, better with a guide or a shepherd but I cant see him, so sometimes even though He’s there I feel lost and lonely. So I do what I can to cope with the space and the journey.

Fighting against the desire to miss our meeting and when I do, making promises that I wont again, it’s a process.

Not comfortable with it yet but my standards and hearts desire keep me coming back and hold me to something greater than the temporary… because essentially even though navigating the solitude, the quiet, the whatever is difficult, I want more and I know you do too.

Try something new

I was more anxious than I thought I would be. Sure that I wouldn’t know what to do but figured I would try it anyway. I joined the circle and began to do the warm-ups….a series of toes and heels…it was then that I realized that I HAD to quit.

How could I, the wife of a hoofer and a stepper myself, suck so much? How could I be and feel so uncoordinated?!

I struggled and more than once I sat down. Coming up with excuses as to why it was ok for me to do so:

Well, I wasn’t really prepared to dance today…
I don’t have tap shoes…
This IS a beginner/intermediate class…
And even simply… I’m tired and hot

Feeling like all eyes were on me while at the same time realizing that none of them really cared..

I sat
I watched
I thought

It hit me that I was a quitter and that didn’t seem to match the idea I had of myself so I got up

All the while thinking that this was WAY outside of my comfort zone.

Palms sweating and scared, having a battle that no one else could see.

It isn’t often that I try new things but I do know that I HATE doing things that I don’t feel like I’m good at…

I had to get up and keep trying though, because otherwise I would be a hypocrite

“ Come to my class, you’ll love it! Even if you haven’t stepped before and have two left feet, it will be fine”

Now I was in the position of student and it was the worst, but I was committed. Committed at the least to not being a quitter so I had to relax…

Breathe and Relax..
Relax and Breathe

I realized that I had been over thinking the process, I had to feel and do….let go, so I did

Who cares if I don’t get it?
Who cares if “they” think I should be doing better

I had to let go of my fears of failure and of the unrealistic expectations I had put on myself for this new yet familiar dance.

I had to commit myself to the discomfort because it was there that growth happened for me

At the end of the class I still sucked…but I was challenged. I grew because I was uncomfortable and I decided to stick with it…try it…try something, you never know how you’ll grow.